I am Brad Kelly and I am unofficially on the LDS Border Patrol.
We are a "Missionary Church" and so new people constantly come on Sunday to "investigate" the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to see if it's for them. We are one of only 2 churches on the Earth that claims to be "THE" Church. It's us and the Catholics who claim apostolic descent from different points in history.
But, being on the border means that I also see people leave. Up until recently, I've seen this only from the distance. But in the last year or so it's become pretty personal. I have had 6 people I really care about decide not to come back to Church or call themselves LDS anymore. This doesn't include the people I've known over the years who have left.
As a convert myself, and someone who choose to become a Latter-day Saint, I am making it my mission in life to find out why folks are leaving and what I can do personally to do a better job making people feel like a welcomed part of my church family.
Everyone I know personally that has "left the Church" has been born into it. They have all been raised LDS and have decided to leave a various points in their adult life.
It makes a lot of sense that most of the people that are leaving are "born into the Church". They didn't choose it and in varying degrees were "forced" into being a member. I suppose you can say that when they realized "it wasn't for them", they simply left and went elsewhere.
But, what I have found is that most of these folks didn't leave and go find the church that was right for them...they have left religion all together. It's not that they said this church isn't right for me, they said that organized religion isn't right for me. I don't have all the answers right now, but I'd sure like to.
I am an analytical guy. One of my favorite things is to say that "Numbers don't lie, people do." For me, the exercise of selecting a church was done over a process of attending many over a period of 5 years, lots of data, and plenty of testing. In the end, I'm really a religious pluralist. I may be a Latter-day Saint, but I attend religious services of other denominations every year. I regularly subscribe to beliefs held by the Eastern Religious Traditions and we treat nearly everything in my family we can with holistic, non-western medicine. I keep as close to a Kosher diet as I can. I side with atheists on all sorts of critiques of G_d and Religion in general. But for me, I took Gordon B. Hinkley seriously when he said: "Bring what you have and see if we can add to it." His statement was in reference to people of other faiths coming to investigate the Church to see if anything could be added to their existing religious beliefs.
Somehow, for many others, more and more people I know, the math isn't adding up. Instead of adding, they are choosing to leave everything behind and live their life without religion. For everyone reading this post, if you have ever joined or left a religion, I'd like to know why you did.
I am not out to convince anyone of anything. It's certainly a personal decision when it comes to matters of faith. Consider me a social scientist collecting data if you will. Consider me a concerned friend. It's clear that the American Church in general is failing it's people. There is a new movement to add a business to the Church in an effort to get people in the doors and then hopefully be able to provide them more than a school or a coffee shop.
At the end of the day, I'd like to think what you believe would be the determining factor for choosing a religion. But, I'm only one man, with a very peculiar way of doing things.
I'd really like to hear your story. Please respond to the post if you don't mind sharing or email me at NeonDion34@gmail.com. Please indicate if it's OK that I ask you follow-up questions or not. I'd really like to be able to push back a little...to poke or prod to uncover a few things. But, I will be grateful for your story either way.
Please do tell.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Sunday, May 4, 2014
12 Years of Bliss
I just had my 12 year wedding anniversary.
You know what I realized yesterday as I thought about where I am at in my life right now?
I am different. Really different.
I listen to things like Trap & Bass, Indie Pop, Dream Pop, Folktronica, Synthpop, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Jazz, Indie Rock, Space Rock, Electronic Rock, Industrial Metal, Trance, and Dubstep.
I own 4 pairs of jeans. To put that into context, prior to our trip to NYC, I had purchased one pair of Sean Jean jeans in the past 15 years. That's what I owned, 1 pair of jeans.
I now prefer a pile of vegetables to a pile of cheese (probably the hardest thing in my life to avoid).
I eat more vegetables than I knew existed 20 years ago.
I eat green leafs like Kale & Arugula.
The other day when I checked out at the grocery store, I had to teach my cashier what 5 of the vegetables even were so that she could ring me up.
I no longer to into "attack mode" when I ask questions.
I "reserve the right to be wrong" rather than insist that "I am always right".
I ask questions first and form opinions later.
I cook, do laundry, and grocery shop for our family on a very regular basis.
I buy nearly 100% of the clothes Rachel owns.
I watch a sports game maybe once a month.
We have family home evening every week.
I give Rachel weekly massages (more often when time allows).
I speak all 5 Love Languages to Rachel.
Rachel has forced me to answer questions about the Universe that I frankly didn't care about before.
Rachel has helped me sort out social issues, gender issues, and I posses a metaphysics that would shame my "former self" who I thought "had it together".
I am at least 158% of the man I used to be. I immensely proud of the man I am today. I am proud of the marriage Rachel and I have together. It is the most amazing thing on this Earth.
I owe the man I am today to the refining fire of marriage. Rachel has stuck by me, taught me patiently, and answered my questions on how to improve even more patiently. I am grateful for the opportunity I have each year to reflect on it each anniversary. There will be many more of them and I can't wait to see where I am as a person when we get there.
You know what I realized yesterday as I thought about where I am at in my life right now?
I am different. Really different.
I listen to things like Trap & Bass, Indie Pop, Dream Pop, Folktronica, Synthpop, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Jazz, Indie Rock, Space Rock, Electronic Rock, Industrial Metal, Trance, and Dubstep.
I own 4 pairs of jeans. To put that into context, prior to our trip to NYC, I had purchased one pair of Sean Jean jeans in the past 15 years. That's what I owned, 1 pair of jeans.
I now prefer a pile of vegetables to a pile of cheese (probably the hardest thing in my life to avoid).
I eat more vegetables than I knew existed 20 years ago.
I eat green leafs like Kale & Arugula.
The other day when I checked out at the grocery store, I had to teach my cashier what 5 of the vegetables even were so that she could ring me up.
I no longer to into "attack mode" when I ask questions.
I "reserve the right to be wrong" rather than insist that "I am always right".
I ask questions first and form opinions later.
I cook, do laundry, and grocery shop for our family on a very regular basis.
I buy nearly 100% of the clothes Rachel owns.
I watch a sports game maybe once a month.
We have family home evening every week.
I give Rachel weekly massages (more often when time allows).
I speak all 5 Love Languages to Rachel.
Rachel has forced me to answer questions about the Universe that I frankly didn't care about before.
Rachel has helped me sort out social issues, gender issues, and I posses a metaphysics that would shame my "former self" who I thought "had it together".
I am at least 158% of the man I used to be. I immensely proud of the man I am today. I am proud of the marriage Rachel and I have together. It is the most amazing thing on this Earth.
I owe the man I am today to the refining fire of marriage. Rachel has stuck by me, taught me patiently, and answered my questions on how to improve even more patiently. I am grateful for the opportunity I have each year to reflect on it each anniversary. There will be many more of them and I can't wait to see where I am as a person when we get there.
My Wife Will Rip My Clothes Off...soon!
"It's Just 25 Minutes a Day." "Just do the best that you can do." "It's just...a inch." "You need to FOCUS." Those are just a few of the fun catch phrases from our new project we have going on over here in our home. Rachel and I are working out. We have done it a few times in the past. We had one magical year back in California, right before the stock market blew up and sent our life into a tailspin, in which we made over $100,000 and we had the time to go to the gym every day once I was done for the day. Our monthly fee (which was subsidized by the company I worked for) provided childcare for SUPER cheap. I mean like $15 a month for 1.5 hours every day.
Thank heavens for the "at home gym revolution" in which programs like P90X, T25, and TurboFire made it so that you could pay one fee and then workout from home for as long you want. Without having to a gym, childcare wasn't necessary. Now that I type it out, programs like T25 actually save people a ton of money.
Why all the focus on working out and meals lately? (I'm sure you've seen my Facebook Page.)
It started last summer. I was trying to figure out how to improve. I usually grill Rachel with several questions about what I am doing well, poorly, too much, or not at all. Then I figure out the next thing I can work on to be better.
This time, I didn't have to ask any questions. I watch a lot of movies. That's probably an understatement even for me. I am in the phase of entering thousands of new parts into our system at work and the process is quite tedious. It's the same things over and over: description, cost, sale price, inventory level, reorder point, and preferred vendor...and repeat...and repeat...and repeat.
So, in order to stay up long nights and keep motivated, I watch movies so that my brain has something to process while my fingers are typing. It's a function of my ADHD.
One common theme in these movies is the scene where the couple falls in love, and they want to get physical. The woman thinks the man is so hot, that she rips, yanks, pulls, and tears (in extreme cases) his clothes off until they are naked and can proceed to do what married people do (have great sex).
I had to be honest with myself: Rachel has never ripped my clothes off...or wanted to. I don't blame her. This isn't one of those: "Your wife should like you more man, it's not you, it's her." This isn't something Rachel lacks. It's not her, it IS me. I have never given her a body worth ripping my clothes off to get to. Even after 4 years of college football I wasn't in "rip my clothes off shape".
I don't believe in being a victim. If I don't have something in my life, then I work on it until I have it. That isn't to say that no one ever gets taken advantage of. There are real victims. But I have found that most marriages aren't what people want them to be because they play the victim, rather than talk to their spouse about how and what they want to be different.
I started asking Rachel questions about her not really ever wanting to rip my clothes off and figured out there just wasn't much under the clothes worth getting to.
That doesn't mean we haven't had a fulfilling sex life. We have sex on a regular basis and it's come a long way from where we started. We do things we've added to it that we didn't do 12 years ago when we were married. We are more comfortable with each other than we ever were in the 1st 10 years of our marriage.
For you married folks out there that really do want to improve, I highly recommend going to a couples massage sometime when you can schedule some time. Then, once you both have a good idea of what a great massage looks and feels like, you can have couples massage weekly! Rachel and I have made it a priority every Sunday night, for at least a year, to give a great massage. She gets one every single Sunday and I get one when I really want one. I used to whine and complain about giving a massage. Turns out I was trying to play the victim: "My hands hurt if I do it for too long." "I never get a massage." "I never know what to do."
Blah, blah, blah. I had excuse after excuse. The bottom line: I wasn't committed to giving Rachel the experience she deserved, and so I didn't. When I "grew up" and got over it, the intimate portion of our marriage has grown and developed by leaps and bounds in the last 2 years. Who knew that when she was happy and fulfilled, I would be too.
Something to consider for married couples who have "lost the spark". That's the line I hear repeatedly in movies when one spouse decides to either cheat on or leave the other. Don't let it happen to you. Is that like saying: "If my spouse cheats on me, it's my fault." Yeah, it kind of is. And I'm willing to say that.
Like I said, there are real victims. People who do everything in their power and their spouse is either unfaithful, emotionally neglecting, etc. But if you have an amazing marriage, why on earth would they look elsewhere?
Make today the day you decide to have an amazing marriage. It might mean that you have to ask some questions you don't want to hear the answer to...but hey, that's how you are going to get where you want to go.
I promise you it's worth it. A few hours or days of uncomfortable conversation will get you amazing results. I guarantee it.
The other night, when we were having dinner, Rachel asked if I could eat dinner with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I said "sure". "I may even let you rip it off yourself." I might not have much to look at under my shirt now...but I will. And Rachel will want to rip my shirt off to get to it!
Thank heavens for the "at home gym revolution" in which programs like P90X, T25, and TurboFire made it so that you could pay one fee and then workout from home for as long you want. Without having to a gym, childcare wasn't necessary. Now that I type it out, programs like T25 actually save people a ton of money.
Why all the focus on working out and meals lately? (I'm sure you've seen my Facebook Page.)
It started last summer. I was trying to figure out how to improve. I usually grill Rachel with several questions about what I am doing well, poorly, too much, or not at all. Then I figure out the next thing I can work on to be better.
This time, I didn't have to ask any questions. I watch a lot of movies. That's probably an understatement even for me. I am in the phase of entering thousands of new parts into our system at work and the process is quite tedious. It's the same things over and over: description, cost, sale price, inventory level, reorder point, and preferred vendor...and repeat...and repeat...and repeat.
So, in order to stay up long nights and keep motivated, I watch movies so that my brain has something to process while my fingers are typing. It's a function of my ADHD.
One common theme in these movies is the scene where the couple falls in love, and they want to get physical. The woman thinks the man is so hot, that she rips, yanks, pulls, and tears (in extreme cases) his clothes off until they are naked and can proceed to do what married people do (have great sex).
I had to be honest with myself: Rachel has never ripped my clothes off...or wanted to. I don't blame her. This isn't one of those: "Your wife should like you more man, it's not you, it's her." This isn't something Rachel lacks. It's not her, it IS me. I have never given her a body worth ripping my clothes off to get to. Even after 4 years of college football I wasn't in "rip my clothes off shape".
I don't believe in being a victim. If I don't have something in my life, then I work on it until I have it. That isn't to say that no one ever gets taken advantage of. There are real victims. But I have found that most marriages aren't what people want them to be because they play the victim, rather than talk to their spouse about how and what they want to be different.
I started asking Rachel questions about her not really ever wanting to rip my clothes off and figured out there just wasn't much under the clothes worth getting to.
That doesn't mean we haven't had a fulfilling sex life. We have sex on a regular basis and it's come a long way from where we started. We do things we've added to it that we didn't do 12 years ago when we were married. We are more comfortable with each other than we ever were in the 1st 10 years of our marriage.
For you married folks out there that really do want to improve, I highly recommend going to a couples massage sometime when you can schedule some time. Then, once you both have a good idea of what a great massage looks and feels like, you can have couples massage weekly! Rachel and I have made it a priority every Sunday night, for at least a year, to give a great massage. She gets one every single Sunday and I get one when I really want one. I used to whine and complain about giving a massage. Turns out I was trying to play the victim: "My hands hurt if I do it for too long." "I never get a massage." "I never know what to do."
Blah, blah, blah. I had excuse after excuse. The bottom line: I wasn't committed to giving Rachel the experience she deserved, and so I didn't. When I "grew up" and got over it, the intimate portion of our marriage has grown and developed by leaps and bounds in the last 2 years. Who knew that when she was happy and fulfilled, I would be too.
Something to consider for married couples who have "lost the spark". That's the line I hear repeatedly in movies when one spouse decides to either cheat on or leave the other. Don't let it happen to you. Is that like saying: "If my spouse cheats on me, it's my fault." Yeah, it kind of is. And I'm willing to say that.
Like I said, there are real victims. People who do everything in their power and their spouse is either unfaithful, emotionally neglecting, etc. But if you have an amazing marriage, why on earth would they look elsewhere?
Make today the day you decide to have an amazing marriage. It might mean that you have to ask some questions you don't want to hear the answer to...but hey, that's how you are going to get where you want to go.
I promise you it's worth it. A few hours or days of uncomfortable conversation will get you amazing results. I guarantee it.
The other night, when we were having dinner, Rachel asked if I could eat dinner with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I said "sure". "I may even let you rip it off yourself." I might not have much to look at under my shirt now...but I will. And Rachel will want to rip my shirt off to get to it!
How my ADHD Works.
So, in order to stay up long nights and keep motivated, I watch
movies so that my brain has something to process while my fingers are
typing. I realize my experience is unique (not completely and
totally...but pretty rare) due to my ADHD. I actually heard that they
"officially" dropped the "H" from ADHD and now you are either ADD or
not. How dumb. The "H" for hyperactivity along with the "attention
deficit" is what gives me my superpower. They say that ADD means you
can't focus on anyone thing because your brain processes too much
outside stimulus all at once. It's like turning on 10 televisions at
once and asking you to focus on the one in front of you. Most "normal"
people can't do that anyway...but if you have ADD, your whole life is
like that: 10 televisions on all the time.
You know what I discovered? My "H" (hyperactivity) allowed me to have the energy to FOCUS ON ALL 10 TELEVISIONS AT THE SAME TIME! That's right, while you can only watch 1 or 2, my brain can "monitor" what is going on with all 10 televisions at the same time and bring the most relevant information to the "front" of my mind for processing. I work through things quickly, completing the easiest tasks first so that I can save more complex tasks for later. It allows me to then focus on the 2 or 3 remaining televisions that are on once I've completed the 5 or 6 easy things quickly (remember the hyperactivity).
Eventually, when all other stimuli have been removed (the "televisions" get turned off as I complete each task) I am able to focus on large/long complex tasks without being distracted by all the other little things that "need to be done"...since they are all complete.
That's the big problem with "treating" ADHD. Doctors want to focus on using drugs to "eliminate stimulus artificially". If the person with ADD/ADHD improved the processes and procedures by which they completed tasks, they could eliminate their own distracting stimulus by completing those tasks one by one until they only have large complex tasks left. THAT is how you treat ADHD: teach the person how to get and stay organized. No drugs are required.
I learned this about myself around 16/17 and now I have perfected the process. Every now and then there is simply too much to do and it's necessary to go to bed and then wake up when your mind is fresh and clear. That makes it easier to prioritize, when you are able to add things to your plate in the order you'd like to complete them.
Sometimes you have to just take a night off even when you don't want to because having fun will relax you and then rejuvenate your body so that you can "get back into it" the next day.
You know what I discovered? My "H" (hyperactivity) allowed me to have the energy to FOCUS ON ALL 10 TELEVISIONS AT THE SAME TIME! That's right, while you can only watch 1 or 2, my brain can "monitor" what is going on with all 10 televisions at the same time and bring the most relevant information to the "front" of my mind for processing. I work through things quickly, completing the easiest tasks first so that I can save more complex tasks for later. It allows me to then focus on the 2 or 3 remaining televisions that are on once I've completed the 5 or 6 easy things quickly (remember the hyperactivity).
Eventually, when all other stimuli have been removed (the "televisions" get turned off as I complete each task) I am able to focus on large/long complex tasks without being distracted by all the other little things that "need to be done"...since they are all complete.
That's the big problem with "treating" ADHD. Doctors want to focus on using drugs to "eliminate stimulus artificially". If the person with ADD/ADHD improved the processes and procedures by which they completed tasks, they could eliminate their own distracting stimulus by completing those tasks one by one until they only have large complex tasks left. THAT is how you treat ADHD: teach the person how to get and stay organized. No drugs are required.
I learned this about myself around 16/17 and now I have perfected the process. Every now and then there is simply too much to do and it's necessary to go to bed and then wake up when your mind is fresh and clear. That makes it easier to prioritize, when you are able to add things to your plate in the order you'd like to complete them.
Sometimes you have to just take a night off even when you don't want to because having fun will relax you and then rejuvenate your body so that you can "get back into it" the next day.
Damn I look good...and you can thank my wife for it!
145. YUUUUUUP! I just stepped off the scale and that's what it said before I sat down to write. I probably haven't weighed this little since I was in high school. It certainly wasn't on purpose that I lost 20 lbs, not entirely on purpose.
Last year, I promised Rachel that I'd give her a husband with rock hard abs for Christmas. It gave me a year to deliver on the promise and I started to work. Well, not immediately...since I had no idea how to get there and no proven method to do it. I can't even remember how I learned about T25, the Shaun T workout videos that were now only 25 minutes a day instead of the 90 minutes from P90X.
I work a lot. In your head, think about what working a lot is...and then double it. Rachel and I are educated. I mean really educated. I mean more student loans than you think is possible for someone who didn't go to Law School or Medical School educated. And since we obtained all this glorious education, we've been finding ways to pay for the education. The longer we've been out of school, the more the delayed, deferred, and graduated payments have kicked in. So, I am still doing every business venture I've done up to this point AND I have a full time job in the Bakken building a 2nd parts business for what we hope will be the largest non-branded Dealership for On-Highway Trucks and then later Heavy Equipment. Out of a possible 168 hours in a week, I only sleep 36 of those (instead of the usual 56 a person would sleep to get a "full night's sleep"). So, in a given week I work about 120-125 hours a week. Without T25, my goal simply wouldn't be possible. I just don't have the time to do anything more right now.
My Mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I directed her to my friend who is a BeachBody Coach, Tom Wolfe. We have all known Tom ever since the days when I racked up my 1st real batch of student loans with my Master's of Divinity at the Claremont School of Theology. The Wolfe's own the market (Wolfe's Market) across the street from the school and went to Church with us. We have eaten dinner at their house numerous times, hung out, played racquetball, been in Church callings together, stored my motorcycle/scooter in his boat storage unit over the last 10 years. Honestly, almost as long as I have been married to Rachel we have known the Wolfes. My Mom got with Tom and ordered me up T25, and it was there, under the tree, for Christmas.
The box sat idle for some time. It was Christmas, I was working my 120 hours, we were trying to get the print copy of Rachel's book (Colorworld) out and published. Her second book (Teleworld) still had to be finished and I was doing marketing for her books at night: asking for review requests, choosing where to advertise, contacting family and friends to read and review. We had a TON going on with Rachel's writing career finally making it to light after working for so many years without anyone really even knowing she was a writer.
In January, things kind of blew up at my old work. I had helped a friend build exactly what I said above and we were firing on all cylinders. It was amazing and we had a great thing going. Then, out of the blue, it got weird. I really don't know what happened...probably because I never really asked. I got some end of the year numbers and I sent back all my concerns: hours for this job or that were billed to parts instead of service, making it look worse than it was. All of the labor for our mobile hose unit should have gone to parts instead of service. Jobs my guys did that we got billed wages but didn't get credited for the revenue...blah, blah blah. Before you knew it, I fired myself. Not my favorite day of my life.
I was sick at the time, so I took a few days to sleep in and not work over 80 hours that week. I was nervous...probably a little scared if I'm honest with myself. Once I got over the sickness, I opened the T25 box out and started with the 1st video. I was almost really dumb. I seriously thought that because I thought I was in decent shape, I should probably just skip Alpha and go straight to Beta so that I can get rock hard abs faster. That would have ranked up there in my Top 10 Failures in life had I gone that route, by the way. Lucky, for me, I started on day 1 with video 1.
I haven't done T25 every single day. I have NEVER done the 2 workouts on Friday it calls for. Plenty of weeks I have worked out 6 days a week instead of 5 though. I have no idea if that makes up for it. Out of the 3 months I've done T25, I've only done the stretch video 3 or 4 times.
But, DANG! It didn't even occur to me I'd lose weight. I honestly have only had 1 expectation from the beginning: I will have rock hard abs for my wife for Christmas Day, 2014.
I've talked with Tom on and off regarding how I get there. I am done with Alpha and Beta and I don't have rock hard abs, so I wanted to make sure I was on track with only 8 months left to get my abs, so I got on the phone with Tom. He told me I'm going to HAVE to do the 5 meals a day and then space my water out. I drink water 30 minutes before I eat and wait until an hour after I eat to drink water again. I drink 100-125 oz of water a day to keep things flowing.
I look amazing. The other day Rachel sent me a text message to let me know she thought my hard work was paying off and that I looked great. :-)
Last night, after we did a T25 Beta workout together, we sat down to have our 12th Wedding Anniversary Dinner together and she asked me if I could eat with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I love it. I identified something I couldn't offer Rachel and got determined...hell bent, on fixing it. I'm close, and now it's starting to occur to Rachel that I might just get there.
I sure hope I do. That woman, my wife, is the most amazing woman in the world. And I promised her rock hard abs on her husband for Christmas. And she's going to get them.
Last year, I promised Rachel that I'd give her a husband with rock hard abs for Christmas. It gave me a year to deliver on the promise and I started to work. Well, not immediately...since I had no idea how to get there and no proven method to do it. I can't even remember how I learned about T25, the Shaun T workout videos that were now only 25 minutes a day instead of the 90 minutes from P90X.
I work a lot. In your head, think about what working a lot is...and then double it. Rachel and I are educated. I mean really educated. I mean more student loans than you think is possible for someone who didn't go to Law School or Medical School educated. And since we obtained all this glorious education, we've been finding ways to pay for the education. The longer we've been out of school, the more the delayed, deferred, and graduated payments have kicked in. So, I am still doing every business venture I've done up to this point AND I have a full time job in the Bakken building a 2nd parts business for what we hope will be the largest non-branded Dealership for On-Highway Trucks and then later Heavy Equipment. Out of a possible 168 hours in a week, I only sleep 36 of those (instead of the usual 56 a person would sleep to get a "full night's sleep"). So, in a given week I work about 120-125 hours a week. Without T25, my goal simply wouldn't be possible. I just don't have the time to do anything more right now.
My Mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I directed her to my friend who is a BeachBody Coach, Tom Wolfe. We have all known Tom ever since the days when I racked up my 1st real batch of student loans with my Master's of Divinity at the Claremont School of Theology. The Wolfe's own the market (Wolfe's Market) across the street from the school and went to Church with us. We have eaten dinner at their house numerous times, hung out, played racquetball, been in Church callings together, stored my motorcycle/scooter in his boat storage unit over the last 10 years. Honestly, almost as long as I have been married to Rachel we have known the Wolfes. My Mom got with Tom and ordered me up T25, and it was there, under the tree, for Christmas.
The box sat idle for some time. It was Christmas, I was working my 120 hours, we were trying to get the print copy of Rachel's book (Colorworld) out and published. Her second book (Teleworld) still had to be finished and I was doing marketing for her books at night: asking for review requests, choosing where to advertise, contacting family and friends to read and review. We had a TON going on with Rachel's writing career finally making it to light after working for so many years without anyone really even knowing she was a writer.
In January, things kind of blew up at my old work. I had helped a friend build exactly what I said above and we were firing on all cylinders. It was amazing and we had a great thing going. Then, out of the blue, it got weird. I really don't know what happened...probably because I never really asked. I got some end of the year numbers and I sent back all my concerns: hours for this job or that were billed to parts instead of service, making it look worse than it was. All of the labor for our mobile hose unit should have gone to parts instead of service. Jobs my guys did that we got billed wages but didn't get credited for the revenue...blah, blah blah. Before you knew it, I fired myself. Not my favorite day of my life.
I was sick at the time, so I took a few days to sleep in and not work over 80 hours that week. I was nervous...probably a little scared if I'm honest with myself. Once I got over the sickness, I opened the T25 box out and started with the 1st video. I was almost really dumb. I seriously thought that because I thought I was in decent shape, I should probably just skip Alpha and go straight to Beta so that I can get rock hard abs faster. That would have ranked up there in my Top 10 Failures in life had I gone that route, by the way. Lucky, for me, I started on day 1 with video 1.
I haven't done T25 every single day. I have NEVER done the 2 workouts on Friday it calls for. Plenty of weeks I have worked out 6 days a week instead of 5 though. I have no idea if that makes up for it. Out of the 3 months I've done T25, I've only done the stretch video 3 or 4 times.
But, DANG! It didn't even occur to me I'd lose weight. I honestly have only had 1 expectation from the beginning: I will have rock hard abs for my wife for Christmas Day, 2014.
I've talked with Tom on and off regarding how I get there. I am done with Alpha and Beta and I don't have rock hard abs, so I wanted to make sure I was on track with only 8 months left to get my abs, so I got on the phone with Tom. He told me I'm going to HAVE to do the 5 meals a day and then space my water out. I drink water 30 minutes before I eat and wait until an hour after I eat to drink water again. I drink 100-125 oz of water a day to keep things flowing.
I look amazing. The other day Rachel sent me a text message to let me know she thought my hard work was paying off and that I looked great. :-)
Last night, after we did a T25 Beta workout together, we sat down to have our 12th Wedding Anniversary Dinner together and she asked me if I could eat with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I love it. I identified something I couldn't offer Rachel and got determined...hell bent, on fixing it. I'm close, and now it's starting to occur to Rachel that I might just get there.
I sure hope I do. That woman, my wife, is the most amazing woman in the world. And I promised her rock hard abs on her husband for Christmas. And she's going to get them.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Jesus Laid Hands on Many During His Lifetime
In the New Testament we read frequently that Jesus has laid his hands on another in order to heal them:
Mark 5:23
In this scene, a man in charge of the synagogue begs the Savior to come with him and heal his daughter. He asks specifically that He lay hands on her so that He can heal her so she may live.
Luke 4:40
Jesus traveled to Simon's house, to see his sick mother. He rebuked the fever and it left her. But, while He was there, those who were sick came to be healed. He laid his hands on each and everyone one of them, giving them a healing blessing.
Luke: 13:12-13
Here Jesus heals a woman on the Sabbath day who had been afflicted her whole life with a spine condition. Maybe muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy. He lays his hands on her and pronounces a blessing upon her and then has to contend with person who runs the synagogue.
Mark 5:23
In this scene, a man in charge of the synagogue begs the Savior to come with him and heal his daughter. He asks specifically that He lay hands on her so that He can heal her so she may live.
Luke 4:40
Jesus traveled to Simon's house, to see his sick mother. He rebuked the fever and it left her. But, while He was there, those who were sick came to be healed. He laid his hands on each and everyone one of them, giving them a healing blessing.
Luke: 13:12-13
Here Jesus heals a woman on the Sabbath day who had been afflicted her whole life with a spine condition. Maybe muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy. He lays his hands on her and pronounces a blessing upon her and then has to contend with person who runs the synagogue.
Moses Blesses each of the Twelve Tribes of Israel
Priesthood blessings have been important as far back and can be found throughout recorded history. In Deuteronomy 33, Moses blesses each of the 12 Tribes of Israel:
Reuben (vs. 6)
Judah (vs. 7)
Levi (vs. 8)
Jacob/Israel (vs. 10)
Benjamin (vs. 12)
Joseph (vs. 13)
Ephraim/Manasseh (vs. 17)
Zebulun (vs. 18)
Gad (vs. 20)
Dan (vs. 22)
Naphtali (23)
Asher (24)
Pronouncing Death in a Folding Chair
"Please don't let it be another one of those," I say to myself as I pull out the folding chair. At least we have padded ones at home. I remember trying to get to Seminary early so that I could grab the ones with the red cushion. There were only a handful of them compared to the hordes of off-white hard plastic chairs every Church building seems to have an endless supply of. Thank heavens I don't have to make her sit in one of those.
It's a bit ironic that this is all going to take place in a folding chair. In this blessing I am supposed to use the Holy Ghost, to call upon the powers of heaven for the benefit of my wife. I wonder if Moses or Jesus would have used a folding chair. The laying on of hands to pronounce a blessing is big stuff. I know I need to use it more. Boyd K. Packer, one of the 12 apostles, has been clear that the men of the Church are failing to exercise the power of the priesthood, despite counting several million in our worldwide ranks.
The office chair Rachel normally sits in has more padding...kind of. Half of the foam from the seat is gone, right where your butt goes. It gets less and less comfortable every time I sit in it now, so I usually grab the padded black chair anyway. "Why did I offer to give her a blessing when I have no idea what I'm going to say?" I think to myself as I place the chair in the center of the room.
I remember when Bryan laid his hands on me to give me the Melchizedek Priesthood. I remember just a few weeks ago, after I had lost my job, Eli laying his hands on me to give me a blessing.
I remember the time I was asked to give a blessing to a dying man.
The seconds that precede a blessing are nerve-racking in most instances. As my hands moved towards the top of his head, I knew that I was to commend his Spirit to the next world. I fought the words that came into my head, pleading for inspiration on how to convey that Robert would be gone by morning...if not sooner. I talked about those who were waiting for him. HECK! The spirits waiting for him were right there in the room with us as I gave the blessing. I knew there was a chance Robert wouldn't make it. I really should have asked for advice before I headed to the hospital. I was afraid his wife would never talk to me again after I all but pronounced his death sentence. I wished I had been able to say that something amazing was going to happen or that I could tell him to "take up his bed and walk", but the words were not my own.
Here I am, back again, in the same situation. But this time, I am the husband, and this is my wife.
What am I going to say now? "Don't worry, your dead baby is all for the greater good." How about: "No biggie, I know you promised G_d another kid and all, but it's going to have to wait." The weight of the moment quietly bore down on my heart. I didn't even know what to do about the miscarriage myself. Emotionally, spiritually, practically...I had barely spoken to Rachel about it because I didn't know if it was "too soon". Do I hug her? Are we happy or sad? I mean, we didn't really want more kids to begin with. Is it wrong of me that I'm glad Rachel wont be a b*&%$ to me anymore? I know that sounds self-serving; but you didn't live with her for those 3 months. This wasn't like any of the other 4 pregnancies. Maybe that's it. Just maybe this was in the cards...
No, that sounds to trite...too contrived. We don't even believe in predestination. Maybe something was wrong with the baby and her body was efficient enough to terminate the fetus because it knew. She knew that something was wrong. It wasn't like the other pregnancies.
...More silence.
I wait.
I learned many years ago that the key to avoid speaking from yourself and saying something stupid was to wait. Wait until the words come...until the Holy Ghost speaks. I know that it sounds hokey. I know that it sounds far fetched and a it's a pill a little too hard to swallow. I wouldn't believe it either, if I didn't have to do it.
The words come, and it will be all right. The timing was wrong. It's not time for Rachel to have another baby. She has things that need to be finished. Work needs to be completed. The sacrifice was appreciated and there is no less love on account of things not working out. A few more lines of council were given and then...I opened my eyes and removed my hands.
...I stood back...waiting...watching her eyes. Did it work? Did she get her questions answered? Am I sleeping on the couch? Does she hate me that the baby really is gone and that she'll have to go through another pregnancy later? I wait and watch for a sign that all is well.
She looks into my eyes and tells me that it was nice to get her questions answered. She heard everything she needed. She thanks me and we go back to work.
That's what we do here at the Kelly house at night. We work. For months the work had come to a screeching halt. Instead of the sound of punched keys being heard long into the night, there was silence. Many books were read and movies watched...but the work...the work was missing. It had stopped. Everything had stopped. There was only anger, bitterness, and resentment. And now they are gone. Just like that. It is nice to finally have some answers, to frame some sort of perspective around the last 3 hard months of our life.
We don't spend too much more time thinking or talking about it. I pick up the folding chair, move it back behind my desk, put the music on, and sit down to work.
It's a bit ironic that this is all going to take place in a folding chair. In this blessing I am supposed to use the Holy Ghost, to call upon the powers of heaven for the benefit of my wife. I wonder if Moses or Jesus would have used a folding chair. The laying on of hands to pronounce a blessing is big stuff. I know I need to use it more. Boyd K. Packer, one of the 12 apostles, has been clear that the men of the Church are failing to exercise the power of the priesthood, despite counting several million in our worldwide ranks.
The office chair Rachel normally sits in has more padding...kind of. Half of the foam from the seat is gone, right where your butt goes. It gets less and less comfortable every time I sit in it now, so I usually grab the padded black chair anyway. "Why did I offer to give her a blessing when I have no idea what I'm going to say?" I think to myself as I place the chair in the center of the room.
I remember when Bryan laid his hands on me to give me the Melchizedek Priesthood. I remember just a few weeks ago, after I had lost my job, Eli laying his hands on me to give me a blessing.
I remember the time I was asked to give a blessing to a dying man.
The seconds that precede a blessing are nerve-racking in most instances. As my hands moved towards the top of his head, I knew that I was to commend his Spirit to the next world. I fought the words that came into my head, pleading for inspiration on how to convey that Robert would be gone by morning...if not sooner. I talked about those who were waiting for him. HECK! The spirits waiting for him were right there in the room with us as I gave the blessing. I knew there was a chance Robert wouldn't make it. I really should have asked for advice before I headed to the hospital. I was afraid his wife would never talk to me again after I all but pronounced his death sentence. I wished I had been able to say that something amazing was going to happen or that I could tell him to "take up his bed and walk", but the words were not my own.
Here I am, back again, in the same situation. But this time, I am the husband, and this is my wife.
What am I going to say now? "Don't worry, your dead baby is all for the greater good." How about: "No biggie, I know you promised G_d another kid and all, but it's going to have to wait." The weight of the moment quietly bore down on my heart. I didn't even know what to do about the miscarriage myself. Emotionally, spiritually, practically...I had barely spoken to Rachel about it because I didn't know if it was "too soon". Do I hug her? Are we happy or sad? I mean, we didn't really want more kids to begin with. Is it wrong of me that I'm glad Rachel wont be a b*&%$ to me anymore? I know that sounds self-serving; but you didn't live with her for those 3 months. This wasn't like any of the other 4 pregnancies. Maybe that's it. Just maybe this was in the cards...
No, that sounds to trite...too contrived. We don't even believe in predestination. Maybe something was wrong with the baby and her body was efficient enough to terminate the fetus because it knew. She knew that something was wrong. It wasn't like the other pregnancies.
...More silence.
I wait.
I learned many years ago that the key to avoid speaking from yourself and saying something stupid was to wait. Wait until the words come...until the Holy Ghost speaks. I know that it sounds hokey. I know that it sounds far fetched and a it's a pill a little too hard to swallow. I wouldn't believe it either, if I didn't have to do it.
The words come, and it will be all right. The timing was wrong. It's not time for Rachel to have another baby. She has things that need to be finished. Work needs to be completed. The sacrifice was appreciated and there is no less love on account of things not working out. A few more lines of council were given and then...I opened my eyes and removed my hands.
...I stood back...waiting...watching her eyes. Did it work? Did she get her questions answered? Am I sleeping on the couch? Does she hate me that the baby really is gone and that she'll have to go through another pregnancy later? I wait and watch for a sign that all is well.
She looks into my eyes and tells me that it was nice to get her questions answered. She heard everything she needed. She thanks me and we go back to work.
That's what we do here at the Kelly house at night. We work. For months the work had come to a screeching halt. Instead of the sound of punched keys being heard long into the night, there was silence. Many books were read and movies watched...but the work...the work was missing. It had stopped. Everything had stopped. There was only anger, bitterness, and resentment. And now they are gone. Just like that. It is nice to finally have some answers, to frame some sort of perspective around the last 3 hard months of our life.
We don't spend too much more time thinking or talking about it. I pick up the folding chair, move it back behind my desk, put the music on, and sit down to work.
I go to a Church in which it is "commonly understood" that we are to have families and make children.
It's not easy to do for everyone. There are all sorts of people who have a tough time in that culture if they don't have children. Some are single and others aren't able to have children. But the rarest of them all, is someone, a couple even, that doesn't want to have children.
You can almost say that we are that couple. We have never really been thrilled about having kids See "Baby Backstory" for more details. The goal was to have 4 kids, get them on a Mission and then home to be married. Then, Rachel made "The Deal"...
We had been barely making it financially for years. We own our own company and have been self employed for close to a decade. But the money it generates has never really been enough to live on. Some of the years were harder than others. When the stock market crashed in 2011 for the 2nd time in 10 years, it was time to do something other than what we were doing.
I saw an Episode of Mad Money from Williston, ND. Jim Cramer had 3 different CEOs on that all had the same message:
"If you will move to the Bakken, learn a new skill, and work out here; we will pay you $100,000 or more in a couple of years."
I don't know about you, but that statement resonated pretty darn well with me at the time. I was determined to do what I needed to in order to pull us out of this rut we had been in for years (thanks to one disaster after another on top of our student loans finally coming due). I can't remember now if "The Deal" was made with me knowing about it...or if I was told after the fact (I honestly can't remember how long after the fact it was if that was the case).
The deal is: If we are not broke all the time, Rachel would have more kids.
Wow...dang...not my favorite deal. I don't like the deal for many reasons:
1) I thought we were done having kids.
2) I can't stand the thought of an "odd" number of kids. We've had them in pairs, by design, and I love that each pair counts the other brother/sister as their closest friend in the world. What if Rachel is only willing to have 1 more?
3) How do I "hold Rachel to this deal"? I am a man, and therefor my "contribution to the process" of child bearing is minimal (and that's putting it politely). How do I "insist" she keep that deal (on account of who it was made with) without being a demanding husband who has to bear none of the consequences of keeping the deal for about a year.
4) I can't stand babies (again, see "Baby Backstory" for more details).
Well, after Keshet finally stopped breastfeeding, I wondered what my role was now.
Would we jump right into fulfilling our side of the deal?
Is it my "job" to remind Rachel of the deal she made?
How long is "acceptable" to wait once the deal CAN be fulfilled?
Normally, our kids have been 2 years apart. As the months ticked by I wondered if we were playing with fire. There are stories in the Hebrew Bible about folks who made deals with G_d and it didn't end well if you made a bad deal or broke your side of the deal. I wanted to avoid that fate myself.
So, after a few months past 2 went by, Rachel and I came up with a game plan to get her 1st Book out and then with Book 2 & 3 edited, we could start the process and Book 2 and maybe even 3 could be completed 100% before the child was born. Then she could take a break between Book 3 and 4 to get through the hardest part of having a new baby.
Like all of the previous "creation experiences", we were successful quite quickly and the pregnancy started.
Something wasn't right though.
In every single other birth I have prayed for two things:
1) The health of the baby to be well, free of disease and disorder.
2) The gender of the baby would be as I had planned my whole life.
I never really did either. And I was aware of it. On occasion I would feel terribly guilty when I remembered that I hadn't been praying for these things for weeks! We have 3 friends who are dealing with cancer and tumors right now. Two have children that have cancer/tumor and one is my brother's wife (cancer). My prayers have been dominated by those 3 people for months and months.
We fulfilled our end of the bargain and Rachel got pregnant. But something was wrong, very wrong. Rachel got distant and our relationship, which had been the best it had ever been at any point in the past 12 years quickly deteriorated.
Rachel hated me. I don't know if she really hated me, but she sure has never been a bigger B&*$% than she was during the pregnancy. She insisted that she had always been that way, but since she didn't have morning sickness, she must be able to focus on all the rage inside of her from being pregnant that she's able to point it directly at me.
It was hard, and I mean really hard. I felt the anger and the hate. All I wanted to do was to get the dumb pregnancy over. My concern about having an odd number of children was tossed out the door in favor of just trying to find a reason to stay married. At one point, after two weeks of absolutely no intimacy, and I mean of ANY kind: physical, emotional, spiritual...you name it...all gone; I started thinking about having an affair.
It seems like a bit much, don't you think? A pregnancy only lasts 9 months, so why jeopardize the past 12 years and millions more in the future over one 9 month period? Something was wrong, very wrong. My home teacher was out of town and I didn't want to let the thoughts that had been going through my mind come out my mouth because they sounded ridiculous. Why on earth would you cheat on your pregnant wife?
I say that I didn't really want to cheat on her, but if I'm honest with myself about the worst day in those 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I really wanted to. I wanted someone to love me and to treat me like I mattered, at nearly all costs.
So, I snapped, in a good way. I remembered back to the chapter in the 5 Love Languages at the very end, the one that talks about divorce. The advice the author gives the woman who tells him it's over and done is that if she wants any hope of saying the marriage, she has to speak her husband's love language without ever having any hope of being loved in return.
It's a tough road to hoe. Loving someone they way they want without being able to expect to hear your love language spoken back is a tough gig. What I decided to do was to clean up the kitchen every single night before I went to bed. When Rachel is pregnant, a lot of sleeping is involved. All sorts of things get thrown on the back burner in the interest of just making it through the next few months until the baby is born.
I would get off work 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 1am...didn't matter. No matter how tired I was or what was said (or unsaid) that day, I would clean the kitchen so that when Rachel came downstairs to get the kids ready for school, she wasn't already behind from yesterday's disaster. I also took over the cooking duties on Sunday. I made sure the kids had breakfast, lunch, & dinner (including snacks to Church) so that Rachel could relax.
After a few weeks, maybe 3, Rachel started smiling again. She expressed appreciation for my efforts and it felt like Rachel and I might just be OK. Finally, after magical Sunday night together (that's our 1 night a week that we don't work and we can be together and be intimate without worrying about deadlines, or the clock, or the needs of some child).
The next day she had a miscarriage.
She didn't say anything at first, but then the bleeding continued. I work 10-15 hours every day and often leave before everyone wakes up and come back when all the kids are asleep and Rachel is thinking about it pretty hard. So, it's easy to miss all sorts of things.
The next day she called me at work.
Rachel probably calls me 2 times a month...if that. So, when her ring tone went off, I instantly felt something was wrong. She explained the situation and told me she had an appointment for 2 days from then (in Williston, getting in to see a doctor isn't as easy as it is in other cities, even when it's serious). I felt terrible. Questions rushed through my mind:
Am I happy or sad?
Did I do this? (With Novan, Rachel and I found out we needed to be more careful towards the end of the pregnancy or WE will cause an early delivery).
Do we try again?
Will we get "penalized" in the deal Rachel made because it didn't work?
Do we try again?
How long can we have before we must/need to try again?
Why wasn't I praying for the baby every day like I usually do?
It's a hard thing to go through, not necessarily because we "lost the baby", but because all the questions I thought were answered were not only unanswered again, but even more complicated. I remembered thinking the week or two before...in my dark hour...that I wouldn't mind if the pregnancy fell apart on its own. I mean, if I didn't "do" anything to cause it, would it be my fault that I thought about it...maybe even wanted it?
I was pretty convinced that why my role in creating the baby was quite limited...my role in the miscarriage may have been much greater. How much can we "cause" by our thoughts? Is there really such a thing as a "prayer in your heart"? If so, I was pretty sure mine was heard without me ever uttering a word.
Obligation, duty, and sacrifice are 3 important principles of living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What I wanted to know at the end of all of this is what is my duty, how far does my obligation reach, and what exactly should I sacrifice to complete my obligation and duty?
I believe fully that we should ask "why". I do not believe we should ask "why me". We are told that we will never be given anything beyond what we can bear. So, the answer to "why me" is always the same: because you can handle it and I need to see you do it. It's part of the "test" of our mortal probation here on Earth. So asking it doesn't get us any closer to asking "why" is this happening.
In every disaster, there really is a silver lining. It, the disaster, is how we grow as human beings. It's how we progress and become like Jesus. It's how we become great, full of love, obedient, and happy. I was lost on the "why" until I got up the guts to ask Rachel if she needed/wanted a blessing.
That's a tough thing, giving a blessing. How do you "tell" a person you are "worthy" by offering one. It's almost like broadcasting that you think you are "holy". I don't mind being asked to give one at the drop of a hat, or in the middle of the night, but volunteering one is scary. I have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. It's scary because what if I reveal something terrible, like we can't have kids anymore. Then what happens to "the deal"? Do we "get in trouble"? What if I say that it's Rachel's disdain for the process that caused the baby to abort? I would want to smack myself if those words came out of my mouth.
The trick with a blessing is that it's not you speaking. And when something comes out that sounds like what you really wanted to hear, how do you know that wasn't you just "manifesting" something you really want, rather than inspiration? In a way, giving a blessing is a terrifying thing. You simply just never know. The only way to be prepared to give one is to live in a way that you are prepared to give you. It's also important to ask if one is needed as much as it is important to be "ready" to give one when the call comes.
Needless to say, the blessing went well and Rachel started receiving answers immediately. Just today she was able to complete all the pieces of the puzzle and knows EXACTLY when we will try again to have children. It sure was scary to make the offer, but the revelation that has come to us as a result has been nothing short of miraculous.
So, husbands, here is what I gleaned from my adventure that I hope to be of help to you one day:
1) When you start to really dislike you wife, or feel unloved; find a way to serve her every day.
2) Ask the question. You will never be able to dispel the terrible thoughts you have cooked up in your head until you ask the question of her and get the answer. Believe me, the truth is rarely as terrible as you imagine.
3) When you are being treated like dirt, there is a good possibility it's because she feels like dirt, and not because you are.
4) Regular and lengthy massages go a long way to easing tension, and not just the kind in her muscles on her body. It can also ease your relationship tension.
5) It is nearly impossible to hate someone you are intimate with. Find ways to touch her (hand, gentle kiss, brush her hair) that help to take down her guard. When the opportunity presents (as long as it can be done without risk to mom/child) find time, even if you schedule it, to be intimate with each other. The vulnerability that comes from these moments can often open the door for conversation that is equally as vulnerable.
6) It's not always about you. Sometimes she's in a bad mood because she is struggling with things. Do what you can to take things off her plate that you can do (dishes, dinner, laundry, etc.) and she can focus on what she needs to feel better.
Rachel was really honest about her feelings during the pregnancy. Depression is a very real struggle. I know my own mother didn't have more than 2 kids because she struggled with depression so deeply with my brother & I that my parents decided against any more kids to protect my Mom. This is a very real thing and we can do a lot as husbands to be open and aware to how our wives are hurting.
Sometimes you can't put a finger on what's wrong. Find ways to serve and moments will be provided where you can talk and learn more. I'm grateful to Rachel for sharing her side of it. Talking has always been the thing with us that has made everything "all better". See if it works for you.
It's not easy to do for everyone. There are all sorts of people who have a tough time in that culture if they don't have children. Some are single and others aren't able to have children. But the rarest of them all, is someone, a couple even, that doesn't want to have children.
You can almost say that we are that couple. We have never really been thrilled about having kids See "Baby Backstory" for more details. The goal was to have 4 kids, get them on a Mission and then home to be married. Then, Rachel made "The Deal"...
We had been barely making it financially for years. We own our own company and have been self employed for close to a decade. But the money it generates has never really been enough to live on. Some of the years were harder than others. When the stock market crashed in 2011 for the 2nd time in 10 years, it was time to do something other than what we were doing.
I saw an Episode of Mad Money from Williston, ND. Jim Cramer had 3 different CEOs on that all had the same message:
"If you will move to the Bakken, learn a new skill, and work out here; we will pay you $100,000 or more in a couple of years."
I don't know about you, but that statement resonated pretty darn well with me at the time. I was determined to do what I needed to in order to pull us out of this rut we had been in for years (thanks to one disaster after another on top of our student loans finally coming due). I can't remember now if "The Deal" was made with me knowing about it...or if I was told after the fact (I honestly can't remember how long after the fact it was if that was the case).
The deal is: If we are not broke all the time, Rachel would have more kids.
Wow...dang...not my favorite deal. I don't like the deal for many reasons:
1) I thought we were done having kids.
2) I can't stand the thought of an "odd" number of kids. We've had them in pairs, by design, and I love that each pair counts the other brother/sister as their closest friend in the world. What if Rachel is only willing to have 1 more?
3) How do I "hold Rachel to this deal"? I am a man, and therefor my "contribution to the process" of child bearing is minimal (and that's putting it politely). How do I "insist" she keep that deal (on account of who it was made with) without being a demanding husband who has to bear none of the consequences of keeping the deal for about a year.
4) I can't stand babies (again, see "Baby Backstory" for more details).
Well, after Keshet finally stopped breastfeeding, I wondered what my role was now.
Would we jump right into fulfilling our side of the deal?
Is it my "job" to remind Rachel of the deal she made?
How long is "acceptable" to wait once the deal CAN be fulfilled?
Normally, our kids have been 2 years apart. As the months ticked by I wondered if we were playing with fire. There are stories in the Hebrew Bible about folks who made deals with G_d and it didn't end well if you made a bad deal or broke your side of the deal. I wanted to avoid that fate myself.
So, after a few months past 2 went by, Rachel and I came up with a game plan to get her 1st Book out and then with Book 2 & 3 edited, we could start the process and Book 2 and maybe even 3 could be completed 100% before the child was born. Then she could take a break between Book 3 and 4 to get through the hardest part of having a new baby.
Like all of the previous "creation experiences", we were successful quite quickly and the pregnancy started.
Something wasn't right though.
In every single other birth I have prayed for two things:
1) The health of the baby to be well, free of disease and disorder.
2) The gender of the baby would be as I had planned my whole life.
I never really did either. And I was aware of it. On occasion I would feel terribly guilty when I remembered that I hadn't been praying for these things for weeks! We have 3 friends who are dealing with cancer and tumors right now. Two have children that have cancer/tumor and one is my brother's wife (cancer). My prayers have been dominated by those 3 people for months and months.
We fulfilled our end of the bargain and Rachel got pregnant. But something was wrong, very wrong. Rachel got distant and our relationship, which had been the best it had ever been at any point in the past 12 years quickly deteriorated.
Rachel hated me. I don't know if she really hated me, but she sure has never been a bigger B&*$% than she was during the pregnancy. She insisted that she had always been that way, but since she didn't have morning sickness, she must be able to focus on all the rage inside of her from being pregnant that she's able to point it directly at me.
It was hard, and I mean really hard. I felt the anger and the hate. All I wanted to do was to get the dumb pregnancy over. My concern about having an odd number of children was tossed out the door in favor of just trying to find a reason to stay married. At one point, after two weeks of absolutely no intimacy, and I mean of ANY kind: physical, emotional, spiritual...you name it...all gone; I started thinking about having an affair.
It seems like a bit much, don't you think? A pregnancy only lasts 9 months, so why jeopardize the past 12 years and millions more in the future over one 9 month period? Something was wrong, very wrong. My home teacher was out of town and I didn't want to let the thoughts that had been going through my mind come out my mouth because they sounded ridiculous. Why on earth would you cheat on your pregnant wife?
I say that I didn't really want to cheat on her, but if I'm honest with myself about the worst day in those 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I really wanted to. I wanted someone to love me and to treat me like I mattered, at nearly all costs.
So, I snapped, in a good way. I remembered back to the chapter in the 5 Love Languages at the very end, the one that talks about divorce. The advice the author gives the woman who tells him it's over and done is that if she wants any hope of saying the marriage, she has to speak her husband's love language without ever having any hope of being loved in return.
It's a tough road to hoe. Loving someone they way they want without being able to expect to hear your love language spoken back is a tough gig. What I decided to do was to clean up the kitchen every single night before I went to bed. When Rachel is pregnant, a lot of sleeping is involved. All sorts of things get thrown on the back burner in the interest of just making it through the next few months until the baby is born.
I would get off work 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 1am...didn't matter. No matter how tired I was or what was said (or unsaid) that day, I would clean the kitchen so that when Rachel came downstairs to get the kids ready for school, she wasn't already behind from yesterday's disaster. I also took over the cooking duties on Sunday. I made sure the kids had breakfast, lunch, & dinner (including snacks to Church) so that Rachel could relax.
After a few weeks, maybe 3, Rachel started smiling again. She expressed appreciation for my efforts and it felt like Rachel and I might just be OK. Finally, after magical Sunday night together (that's our 1 night a week that we don't work and we can be together and be intimate without worrying about deadlines, or the clock, or the needs of some child).
The next day she had a miscarriage.
She didn't say anything at first, but then the bleeding continued. I work 10-15 hours every day and often leave before everyone wakes up and come back when all the kids are asleep and Rachel is thinking about it pretty hard. So, it's easy to miss all sorts of things.
The next day she called me at work.
Rachel probably calls me 2 times a month...if that. So, when her ring tone went off, I instantly felt something was wrong. She explained the situation and told me she had an appointment for 2 days from then (in Williston, getting in to see a doctor isn't as easy as it is in other cities, even when it's serious). I felt terrible. Questions rushed through my mind:
Am I happy or sad?
Did I do this? (With Novan, Rachel and I found out we needed to be more careful towards the end of the pregnancy or WE will cause an early delivery).
Do we try again?
Will we get "penalized" in the deal Rachel made because it didn't work?
Do we try again?
How long can we have before we must/need to try again?
Why wasn't I praying for the baby every day like I usually do?
It's a hard thing to go through, not necessarily because we "lost the baby", but because all the questions I thought were answered were not only unanswered again, but even more complicated. I remembered thinking the week or two before...in my dark hour...that I wouldn't mind if the pregnancy fell apart on its own. I mean, if I didn't "do" anything to cause it, would it be my fault that I thought about it...maybe even wanted it?
I was pretty convinced that why my role in creating the baby was quite limited...my role in the miscarriage may have been much greater. How much can we "cause" by our thoughts? Is there really such a thing as a "prayer in your heart"? If so, I was pretty sure mine was heard without me ever uttering a word.
Obligation, duty, and sacrifice are 3 important principles of living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What I wanted to know at the end of all of this is what is my duty, how far does my obligation reach, and what exactly should I sacrifice to complete my obligation and duty?
I believe fully that we should ask "why". I do not believe we should ask "why me". We are told that we will never be given anything beyond what we can bear. So, the answer to "why me" is always the same: because you can handle it and I need to see you do it. It's part of the "test" of our mortal probation here on Earth. So asking it doesn't get us any closer to asking "why" is this happening.
In every disaster, there really is a silver lining. It, the disaster, is how we grow as human beings. It's how we progress and become like Jesus. It's how we become great, full of love, obedient, and happy. I was lost on the "why" until I got up the guts to ask Rachel if she needed/wanted a blessing.
That's a tough thing, giving a blessing. How do you "tell" a person you are "worthy" by offering one. It's almost like broadcasting that you think you are "holy". I don't mind being asked to give one at the drop of a hat, or in the middle of the night, but volunteering one is scary. I have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. It's scary because what if I reveal something terrible, like we can't have kids anymore. Then what happens to "the deal"? Do we "get in trouble"? What if I say that it's Rachel's disdain for the process that caused the baby to abort? I would want to smack myself if those words came out of my mouth.
The trick with a blessing is that it's not you speaking. And when something comes out that sounds like what you really wanted to hear, how do you know that wasn't you just "manifesting" something you really want, rather than inspiration? In a way, giving a blessing is a terrifying thing. You simply just never know. The only way to be prepared to give one is to live in a way that you are prepared to give you. It's also important to ask if one is needed as much as it is important to be "ready" to give one when the call comes.
Needless to say, the blessing went well and Rachel started receiving answers immediately. Just today she was able to complete all the pieces of the puzzle and knows EXACTLY when we will try again to have children. It sure was scary to make the offer, but the revelation that has come to us as a result has been nothing short of miraculous.
So, husbands, here is what I gleaned from my adventure that I hope to be of help to you one day:
1) When you start to really dislike you wife, or feel unloved; find a way to serve her every day.
2) Ask the question. You will never be able to dispel the terrible thoughts you have cooked up in your head until you ask the question of her and get the answer. Believe me, the truth is rarely as terrible as you imagine.
3) When you are being treated like dirt, there is a good possibility it's because she feels like dirt, and not because you are.
4) Regular and lengthy massages go a long way to easing tension, and not just the kind in her muscles on her body. It can also ease your relationship tension.
5) It is nearly impossible to hate someone you are intimate with. Find ways to touch her (hand, gentle kiss, brush her hair) that help to take down her guard. When the opportunity presents (as long as it can be done without risk to mom/child) find time, even if you schedule it, to be intimate with each other. The vulnerability that comes from these moments can often open the door for conversation that is equally as vulnerable.
6) It's not always about you. Sometimes she's in a bad mood because she is struggling with things. Do what you can to take things off her plate that you can do (dishes, dinner, laundry, etc.) and she can focus on what she needs to feel better.
Rachel was really honest about her feelings during the pregnancy. Depression is a very real struggle. I know my own mother didn't have more than 2 kids because she struggled with depression so deeply with my brother & I that my parents decided against any more kids to protect my Mom. This is a very real thing and we can do a lot as husbands to be open and aware to how our wives are hurting.
Sometimes you can't put a finger on what's wrong. Find ways to serve and moments will be provided where you can talk and learn more. I'm grateful to Rachel for sharing her side of it. Talking has always been the thing with us that has made everything "all better". See if it works for you.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Baby Backstory
Babies. I don't like them. I really don't like them. In our family (that being my wife and my 4 kids), we believe in breast feeding. It is what breasts are for (at least until age 40 or so). The sexualization or over-sexualization of the female breast is a whole other blog post. In fact, you should probably check out Britta Foster on that topic if you want to learn more (Britta's Blog). Bottom line on babies, since I can't do the breast feeding...I'm not a whole lot of help for the first 6-9 months.
I'll be even more honest, until the baby is mobile I don't really want anything to do with the baby. My wife can calm any crying baby by nursing it. I've seen it happen with 4 children. I SERIOUSLY lack that tool in the tool bag. I've found that until I can talk with and interact with my children, I have a hard time forming a real and lasting attachment. I am honestly worried I will do something stupid like drop the baby, drop something on the baby, or something I can't even imagine to hurt, injure, or kill the baby. In fact, when a baby is born, the LAST thing I want to do is hold the baby! Are you kidding, my wife just went through 9 months of misery and the 1st thing you want me to do is take a shot at ruining it?!?
I love teenagers. I can talk with, hang out with, and teach them all day long (and every day of the week); but babies worry me to no end. I pray that no one ever asks me if their baby is cute. Oh, please, if you are reading this, NEVER ask me about that! It bugs me that all a crawling baby wants to do is wiggle out of your arms, crawl for a minute, and then wine & cry until you pick them up. They then repeat that over and over for hours. I know guys at Church who will take babies they see to class and hold them. I am NOT that guy.
When we had our 1st child, it was after 3 years of being married without having any kids. We decided that life had been a little too easy, like being on cruise control. So, you take some obligation, a little bit of guilt for being D.I.N.K.s, and living in a "baby making culture" and we started having kids.
We have come a long way from those days. We have 4 kids and they are all awesome in their own way. Some are like me and some are like Rachel. Most of them are a mix-and-match with characteristics that are derived from both parents. We love and adore our kids.
I still never ask to hold anyone's baby, but I will volunteer to watch kids when the need arises because I've successfully kept 4 of them alive for over 8 years now (well, I've kept at least 1 alive for 8 years and now I can hang out with all 4 no problems). We have come a long way in how we teach and raise our children. I love when I am able to spend time with them.
BUT, the focus has always been to have 4 kids as quickly as we could (once we started) and then get them all on a Mission for our Church and then off to college where they can get married and move out.
That was the plan, until Rachel made a deal with the Folks Upstairs.
I'll be even more honest, until the baby is mobile I don't really want anything to do with the baby. My wife can calm any crying baby by nursing it. I've seen it happen with 4 children. I SERIOUSLY lack that tool in the tool bag. I've found that until I can talk with and interact with my children, I have a hard time forming a real and lasting attachment. I am honestly worried I will do something stupid like drop the baby, drop something on the baby, or something I can't even imagine to hurt, injure, or kill the baby. In fact, when a baby is born, the LAST thing I want to do is hold the baby! Are you kidding, my wife just went through 9 months of misery and the 1st thing you want me to do is take a shot at ruining it?!?
I love teenagers. I can talk with, hang out with, and teach them all day long (and every day of the week); but babies worry me to no end. I pray that no one ever asks me if their baby is cute. Oh, please, if you are reading this, NEVER ask me about that! It bugs me that all a crawling baby wants to do is wiggle out of your arms, crawl for a minute, and then wine & cry until you pick them up. They then repeat that over and over for hours. I know guys at Church who will take babies they see to class and hold them. I am NOT that guy.
When we had our 1st child, it was after 3 years of being married without having any kids. We decided that life had been a little too easy, like being on cruise control. So, you take some obligation, a little bit of guilt for being D.I.N.K.s, and living in a "baby making culture" and we started having kids.
We have come a long way from those days. We have 4 kids and they are all awesome in their own way. Some are like me and some are like Rachel. Most of them are a mix-and-match with characteristics that are derived from both parents. We love and adore our kids.
I still never ask to hold anyone's baby, but I will volunteer to watch kids when the need arises because I've successfully kept 4 of them alive for over 8 years now (well, I've kept at least 1 alive for 8 years and now I can hang out with all 4 no problems). We have come a long way in how we teach and raise our children. I love when I am able to spend time with them.
BUT, the focus has always been to have 4 kids as quickly as we could (once we started) and then get them all on a Mission for our Church and then off to college where they can get married and move out.
That was the plan, until Rachel made a deal with the Folks Upstairs.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Why Brigham Young was a Racist
For many years, even in meetings like Gospel Doctrine and Elders Quorum, I have said out loud (sometimes quite emphatically) that the solution to why Blacks were denied the Priesthood is that Brigham Young was a racist.
It seems like a terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad thing to say about someone who is a "Prophet of the Lord"...but it keeps G_d very nice and clean, and puts all the blame for the "Priesthood Ban" on man (where I like to place most blame for the terrible things we do to each other). But, after I declare Brigham is a racist, I launch into my history lesson in which I point out that everyone in that time period (everyone is obviously used loosely, but a very high percentage to be less specific than "everyone") was racist. Heck, as an "American Culture" we bought, owned, and sold other human beings to and from each other. It's a despicable time period in human history that resulted in the Civil War (one of the bloodiest wars ever fought in North America). So, in reality, Brigham Young is a product of his time, and really no more racist than any other American of his time.
While there are certainly those who were "less" racist than Brigham, he wouldn't necessarily stand out as any "worse" for being a Racist than say George Washington or Abraham Lincoln, both of whom owned slaves (and are American "Heroes"). Yes, the "Lion of Zion" was merely as big a Bigot as everyone else who grew up and lived around.
This doesn't "excuse" his actions, but it certainly puts them in a lot more familiar right.
Something really awesome happened today, a new article on the official "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" website popped up addressing this very issue: Race and the Priesthood (PLEASE READ!). It has made official several fiercely held beliefs that I have:
1) There has never been, nor ever will be a "Church Policy" or even a "Doctrine" of Racism and any attempt to "legitimize" it is wrong: "Over time, Church leaders and members advanced many theories to explain the priesthood and temple restrictions. None of these explanations is accepted today as the official doctrine of the Church."
2) Joseph Smith had no such prejudices and did, in fact, ordain black elders (this is not just hearsay): "During the first two decades of the Church’s existence, a few black men were ordained to the priesthood. One of these men, Elijah Abel, also participated in temple ceremonies in Kirtland, Ohio, and was later baptized as proxy for deceased relatives in Nauvoo, Illinois. There is no evidence that any black men were denied the priesthood during Joseph Smith’s lifetime."
3) Perhaps best of all, the Church outright condemns racism in any or all of its forms past, present, and future: "Today, the Church disavows the theories advanced in the past that black skin is a sign of divine disfavor or curse, or that it reflects actions in a premortal life; that mixed-race marriages are a sin; or that blacks or people of any other race or ethnicity are inferior in any way to anyone else. Church leaders today unequivocally condemn all racism, past and present, in any form."
The Church stopped short of outright calling Brigham a racist, as I have done, outright in the article. No big deal, Doctrine & Covenants 58:26 says clearly: "26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is (a)compelled in all things, the same is a (b)slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward." So I have no idea drawing a couple lines between what I have believed for years, and what was put in print by the Church today.
Well, by now, you have to be thinking that this sounds a whole lot like a prideful victory lap for good ol' Brad at this point. If I stopped here, you'd be totally correct. Heck, if I stopped an hour ago, it might just have been that tomorrow at Church. BUT, let us go one step forward and examine the events in light of Peter "denying" the Christ 3 times.
Let's open our New Testament to Luke 22, where we read in verses 60-62:
60 And Peter said, Man, I know not what thou sayest. And immediately, while he yet spake, the cock crew.
61 And the (a)Lord turned, and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.
62 And Peter went out, and wept bitterly.
Sure, it's easy to throw stones at Peter right. I mean, the guy denied the Son of G_d right in front of Him, after he was warned he would do so, and he vehemently disagreed with the Savior.
How about this? Peter is asked to deny his relationship to Jesus of Nazareth because he is to be the leader of the Church after the crucifixion. He argues with Jesus and tells him: "No way, bub! I'm not letting them take you without a fight!" Jesus insists that he MUST deny him, even 3 times, in order for them to believe it and for Peter to remain safe enough to continue leading the Church. Peter gets through the first two times without too much hardship...but the 3rd one hurt. The rooster crowed and it was too much. It went down just like Jesus said it was going to and now Peter knows He told the truth and the Savior of the world is going to be crucified and he couldn't die with him. He had to look like a backstabbing jerk to all the world, even though he loved Jesus with all his heart. In fact, it broke his heart and he ran away crying as they then blindfolded Jesus and beat him.
How hard that must have been for Peter, to pretend to not know who Jesus was. What he really wanted to do was to grab a sword and free Jesus. Instead, he was charged with the safety and well-being of the Church. He HAD to deny him or the Church would be destroyed.
Lets flip to 1952 when Brigham Young issued the "command" that no one who was of African descent can hold the Priesthood. What if he was "asked to do it" in order to ensure the survival of the Church? Brigham, one of Joseph Smith's best friends has to go against his Prophet/Friend and become the most famous racist in the LDS Church. Declaring it as he does saves Utah from being drawn into a Civil War in 1861 that led to the death of 600,000 Americans. The Civil War had divided the US almost up to modern times when as recently as the Civil Rights Movement didn't "conclude" it's work until 1968. This still hasn't ended widespread racism that has been a feature of "Southern Culture" into modern times.
It is conceivable that the "Church" as a whole wasn't ready to deal with racism in 1852 as the Saints had escaped Utah to avoid being eradicated by mobs and other hostiles back East. Governor Boggs had ordered Missouri Executive Order 44, also known as the Extermination Order, in 1838 in which he wished to kill every Saint in Missouri (the state he was Governor of). It's not far fetched to believe that the safety of the Church itself was threatened to the point that it didn't need a "Civil War" caliber problem to deal with while it was fighting for it's very survival.
So, rather than continue down the path Joseph started by ordaining Black Elders, Brigham "falls on the sword" and becomes the biggest racist in Church History, denying an entire race of people access to all G_d had recently revealed. Brigham himself stated that there would be a time they would have access to everything the rest of the membership enjoyed (ordination and temple ordinances).
So, for those who are totally uncomfortable with calling Brigham a flat out racist...it does seem interesting that the Church doesn't do so in the recent article. We will never be spoon fed everything we are to know or believe in this life. It's up to each of us to decide what we will do with things we learn, especially hard ones. For decades I've simply called Brigham a racist and moved on. How do you make congruent the stupid things he said regarding those who weren't white and the Priesthood Ban if he was simply "falling on the sword"? Who knows. Maybe he had to "make it believable" so that overturning the ban wasn't brought up repeatedly. It was nearly 10 years before the Civil War even started officially. That's a long time to dance around an issue that, for the safety of the Church's future, didn't have a good explanation.
It's nice for me to think, after all these years, that there might have been more to Brigham's ban than meets the eye. I don't have any definitive answers either way. Heck, I just thought about it. I now have to pray about it and work it out over the next few weeks.
What I will say is that I am excited to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For a Church that doesn't change its doctrine, we sure have come a long way, even in the last 2 or 3 years! It's an exciting time to be LDS. With race and gender issues at the forefront of what is moving forward right now, it's wonderful to KNOW that the 12 Apostles who lead this Church are listening. They are listening to the LDS people. They are listening to answers from their prayers. They are listening. It's amazing and I can't wait to see how we we all be better next year than we were this year.
It seems like a terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad thing to say about someone who is a "Prophet of the Lord"...but it keeps G_d very nice and clean, and puts all the blame for the "Priesthood Ban" on man (where I like to place most blame for the terrible things we do to each other). But, after I declare Brigham is a racist, I launch into my history lesson in which I point out that everyone in that time period (everyone is obviously used loosely, but a very high percentage to be less specific than "everyone") was racist. Heck, as an "American Culture" we bought, owned, and sold other human beings to and from each other. It's a despicable time period in human history that resulted in the Civil War (one of the bloodiest wars ever fought in North America). So, in reality, Brigham Young is a product of his time, and really no more racist than any other American of his time.
While there are certainly those who were "less" racist than Brigham, he wouldn't necessarily stand out as any "worse" for being a Racist than say George Washington or Abraham Lincoln, both of whom owned slaves (and are American "Heroes"). Yes, the "Lion of Zion" was merely as big a Bigot as everyone else who grew up and lived around.
This doesn't "excuse" his actions, but it certainly puts them in a lot more familiar right.
Something really awesome happened today, a new article on the official "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" website popped up addressing this very issue: Race and the Priesthood (PLEASE READ!). It has made official several fiercely held beliefs that I have:
1) There has never been, nor ever will be a "Church Policy" or even a "Doctrine" of Racism and any attempt to "legitimize" it is wrong: "Over time, Church leaders and members advanced many theories to explain the priesthood and temple restrictions. None of these explanations is accepted today as the official doctrine of the Church."
2) Joseph Smith had no such prejudices and did, in fact, ordain black elders (this is not just hearsay): "During the first two decades of the Church’s existence, a few black men were ordained to the priesthood. One of these men, Elijah Abel, also participated in temple ceremonies in Kirtland, Ohio, and was later baptized as proxy for deceased relatives in Nauvoo, Illinois. There is no evidence that any black men were denied the priesthood during Joseph Smith’s lifetime."
3) Perhaps best of all, the Church outright condemns racism in any or all of its forms past, present, and future: "Today, the Church disavows the theories advanced in the past that black skin is a sign of divine disfavor or curse, or that it reflects actions in a premortal life; that mixed-race marriages are a sin; or that blacks or people of any other race or ethnicity are inferior in any way to anyone else. Church leaders today unequivocally condemn all racism, past and present, in any form."
The Church stopped short of outright calling Brigham a racist, as I have done, outright in the article. No big deal, Doctrine & Covenants 58:26 says clearly: "26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is (a)compelled in all things, the same is a (b)slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward." So I have no idea drawing a couple lines between what I have believed for years, and what was put in print by the Church today.
Well, by now, you have to be thinking that this sounds a whole lot like a prideful victory lap for good ol' Brad at this point. If I stopped here, you'd be totally correct. Heck, if I stopped an hour ago, it might just have been that tomorrow at Church. BUT, let us go one step forward and examine the events in light of Peter "denying" the Christ 3 times.
Let's open our New Testament to Luke 22, where we read in verses 60-62:
60 And Peter said, Man, I know not what thou sayest. And immediately, while he yet spake, the cock crew.
61 And the (a)Lord turned, and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.
62 And Peter went out, and wept bitterly.
Sure, it's easy to throw stones at Peter right. I mean, the guy denied the Son of G_d right in front of Him, after he was warned he would do so, and he vehemently disagreed with the Savior.
How about this? Peter is asked to deny his relationship to Jesus of Nazareth because he is to be the leader of the Church after the crucifixion. He argues with Jesus and tells him: "No way, bub! I'm not letting them take you without a fight!" Jesus insists that he MUST deny him, even 3 times, in order for them to believe it and for Peter to remain safe enough to continue leading the Church. Peter gets through the first two times without too much hardship...but the 3rd one hurt. The rooster crowed and it was too much. It went down just like Jesus said it was going to and now Peter knows He told the truth and the Savior of the world is going to be crucified and he couldn't die with him. He had to look like a backstabbing jerk to all the world, even though he loved Jesus with all his heart. In fact, it broke his heart and he ran away crying as they then blindfolded Jesus and beat him.
How hard that must have been for Peter, to pretend to not know who Jesus was. What he really wanted to do was to grab a sword and free Jesus. Instead, he was charged with the safety and well-being of the Church. He HAD to deny him or the Church would be destroyed.
Lets flip to 1952 when Brigham Young issued the "command" that no one who was of African descent can hold the Priesthood. What if he was "asked to do it" in order to ensure the survival of the Church? Brigham, one of Joseph Smith's best friends has to go against his Prophet/Friend and become the most famous racist in the LDS Church. Declaring it as he does saves Utah from being drawn into a Civil War in 1861 that led to the death of 600,000 Americans. The Civil War had divided the US almost up to modern times when as recently as the Civil Rights Movement didn't "conclude" it's work until 1968. This still hasn't ended widespread racism that has been a feature of "Southern Culture" into modern times.
It is conceivable that the "Church" as a whole wasn't ready to deal with racism in 1852 as the Saints had escaped Utah to avoid being eradicated by mobs and other hostiles back East. Governor Boggs had ordered Missouri Executive Order 44, also known as the Extermination Order, in 1838 in which he wished to kill every Saint in Missouri (the state he was Governor of). It's not far fetched to believe that the safety of the Church itself was threatened to the point that it didn't need a "Civil War" caliber problem to deal with while it was fighting for it's very survival.
So, rather than continue down the path Joseph started by ordaining Black Elders, Brigham "falls on the sword" and becomes the biggest racist in Church History, denying an entire race of people access to all G_d had recently revealed. Brigham himself stated that there would be a time they would have access to everything the rest of the membership enjoyed (ordination and temple ordinances).
So, for those who are totally uncomfortable with calling Brigham a flat out racist...it does seem interesting that the Church doesn't do so in the recent article. We will never be spoon fed everything we are to know or believe in this life. It's up to each of us to decide what we will do with things we learn, especially hard ones. For decades I've simply called Brigham a racist and moved on. How do you make congruent the stupid things he said regarding those who weren't white and the Priesthood Ban if he was simply "falling on the sword"? Who knows. Maybe he had to "make it believable" so that overturning the ban wasn't brought up repeatedly. It was nearly 10 years before the Civil War even started officially. That's a long time to dance around an issue that, for the safety of the Church's future, didn't have a good explanation.
It's nice for me to think, after all these years, that there might have been more to Brigham's ban than meets the eye. I don't have any definitive answers either way. Heck, I just thought about it. I now have to pray about it and work it out over the next few weeks.
What I will say is that I am excited to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For a Church that doesn't change its doctrine, we sure have come a long way, even in the last 2 or 3 years! It's an exciting time to be LDS. With race and gender issues at the forefront of what is moving forward right now, it's wonderful to KNOW that the 12 Apostles who lead this Church are listening. They are listening to the LDS people. They are listening to answers from their prayers. They are listening. It's amazing and I can't wait to see how we we all be better next year than we were this year.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Worst Priesthood Session Ever
I am a Mormon Feminist. I don't really like MoFem, and no one asked me to vote on what we should be called...so I'm afraid that one just doesn't work for me.
There are a few things I look forward to all year:
1) The Turkey Bowl - It's the one day a year I get to push, shove, hit, and tackle people and no one takes it personally. 3 or 4 years ago, I think I tackled Brooks Smith, who is one of my favorite people of all time, probably 5 or 6 times in a "2 hand touch" Turkey Bowl football game...my favorite one of all time. I can't even remember who won...just how many tackles I made. :-)
2) Christmas - We do not do Birthdays in my family. Growing, it was SUCH a big deal. Every time I didn't remember my Mom's Birthday, it's like I didn't love her. I'm happy to say we are over that now. Needless to say, we don't do much beyond let our kids pick their meal & desert for the day and take them on a Walmart shopping spree...that's it folks. No fanfare or parties. But if we are going to celebrate someone's birthday...JESUS IS IT! Plus, can you believe they moved His Birthday to my favorite season of the year!!! It's usually snowing around Christmas (winter is my FAVORITE season of the year) and the white makes everything look clean & pure. I love to give people things and blame it on Jesus. I love how everyone seems to be happier and friendlier at Christmas. I LOVE IT!
3) Priesthood Session - I played sports growing up...mostly football (well really mostly basketball, but football is my favorite since you get to hit people and no one thinks anything of it (see #1 above)), and I really love the pregame atmosphere. There is a lot of hitting and yelling. People get fired up. Pregame speeches and all that rah rah stuff. Twice a year, men gather in the LDS Church to get semi-publicly berated in front of each other over being a lame husband, a lackluster home teacher, and a college dropout (at least compared to the number of degrees women are getting these days in higher education). It's good for us. Guys react a certain way when they are told "you suck". It's a motivator. You kind of say: "Well I'll show you what kind of man I am." It's like good machismo stuff where we "Cowboy Up" and resolve to actually do a better job being a husband, father, employer, employee, student, etc.
I was SO fired up today when I heard Carole M. Stephens talk today, right off the bat she said: "Each of us is a son or daughter of Heavenly Parents." YES! Right off the bat, 1st session, talking about having a Heavenly Mother. I mean, lets all face it folks, G_d is really a married couple and not just the "dude" 1/2. Heavenly Father refers to the male/father 1/2 and Heavenly Mother obviously makes up the female/mother 1/2. TOGETHER, they are "G_d". I dig it.
She quoted Wilford Woodruff when he said: "Every Man or Woman who has ever entered in to the Church of G_d, being baptized for the remission of sins, has a right to revelation." Preach it SISTER! I can see where you are headed and I like it!
"The Holy Ghost is not restricted to men, nor Apostles and Prophets. It belongs to every faithful, man, and woman, and child..." say more, say more!
"We need to receive the Temple Endowment." You are ALMOST THERE (I screamed at my iPhone as I listed while I drove!
She quoted M. Russel Ballard said: "When men and women go to the Temple, they are endowed with the same power. This, by definition, is Priesthood Power. The endowment is literally a gift of power." THAT'S IT!!! That's what I have been waiting for!
We have been telling Beya for weeks now that while she sees men officiating in the Priesthood outside of the Temple, BOTH genders officiate in the Priesthood inside the Temple. We have been working to teach all the kids the difference between the Priesthood Power, which is used by both Genders everywhere, and the officiating of the Priesthood, which is largely conducted by men outside of the Temple (and both Genders inside the Temple). I refused to give up on the idea that women don't hold the Priesthood. If they didn't, there would be no way for them to conduct the ordinances in the Temple (initiatories) and to pass along the sacred information in the Temple during the Endowment if they didn't possess the necessary Priesthood to officiate in the ordinance. Sister Stephens confirmed, out loud, in General Conference, that men AND women are BOTH endowed with the SAME Priesthood Power in the Endowment.
I was thrilled with General Conference today, thinking that it is amazing how "current" and "relevant" the topics are. It is clear the General Authorities are aware and listening to what people are struggling with in the Church, especially Gender Issues.
But, Saturday night Priesthood was the WORST Priesthood Session I have ever watched. It was flat, boring, didn't contain a rallying call (OK, there was a "Do your hometeaching" talk...but it wasn't the same. It left me severely lacking. Then, I found out that a large number of women got in line tonight for the Session to watch from the Conference Center. After 200 years, they broadcast Priesthood live via BYU TV and online at LDS.ORG and the SAME DAY, right after the Church made it available for anyone to watch, live, there are women who want to go that night.
I'm sorry, I am a feminist, I REALLY AM (just ask my wife). But having women at "Priesthood Meeting" is like watching a sex scene with your wife AND Mom there...really hard to enjoy. And maybe women are saying they totally agree and I shouldn't be watching that period and that's the problem with Priesthood. It's like giving birth to a Child and having your neighbor from 5 doors down that you don't know pop by just to see what it looks like down there because they haven't had kids yet. It's not that having people at these times is bad or good. But, for certain events, like Marriages, Funerals, Graduation, etc...there is always an "intended" audience for the event. Having the guy who failed and will be back next year for 12th grade again...it's uncomfortable for everyone.
If you are speaking in "Priesthood Session", do you talk to both Genders because they are both watching? Well then, what's the point of having a separate Relief Society Session and Priesthood. I LIKE that we each get talked to from "our leaders" on gender specific issues. I think it's helpful! I WANT to be a better husband, and I want to hear how to do it from a good husband. Same with someone who's a successful business person who wants to tell me how to be good at my job. Same with home teaching, being a father, etc.
Heck, it'd be nice to have someone in the Relief Society Presidency or Primary Presidency, or Young Woman's Presidency come to Priesthood to tell me how to be a good husband, father, or Dad to a teenage daughter. PLEASE COME AND TELL ME!!!
But having just one more session of general conference with everyone there...it ruins it. It's not the same. It may be tradition, but it's helpful to get gender and role specific instruction. It's available for everyone to watch online...heck, most of the men will probably watch it online now. But why do women have to BE there? I don't see what is gained? I don't see why "crashing the party" moves the cause of equality forward. Please help. I'm sad. I'm bummed. Priesthood sucked and I could have used a good "pep talk" tonight. Maybe we should rebrand it and call it something else. It's been Priesthood and Relief Society for over 100 years...it can change, no problem.
But I do find a lot of value into "splitting up" for the 3rd hour. I think both genders need it and I hope we keep it.
There are a few things I look forward to all year:
1) The Turkey Bowl - It's the one day a year I get to push, shove, hit, and tackle people and no one takes it personally. 3 or 4 years ago, I think I tackled Brooks Smith, who is one of my favorite people of all time, probably 5 or 6 times in a "2 hand touch" Turkey Bowl football game...my favorite one of all time. I can't even remember who won...just how many tackles I made. :-)
2) Christmas - We do not do Birthdays in my family. Growing, it was SUCH a big deal. Every time I didn't remember my Mom's Birthday, it's like I didn't love her. I'm happy to say we are over that now. Needless to say, we don't do much beyond let our kids pick their meal & desert for the day and take them on a Walmart shopping spree...that's it folks. No fanfare or parties. But if we are going to celebrate someone's birthday...JESUS IS IT! Plus, can you believe they moved His Birthday to my favorite season of the year!!! It's usually snowing around Christmas (winter is my FAVORITE season of the year) and the white makes everything look clean & pure. I love to give people things and blame it on Jesus. I love how everyone seems to be happier and friendlier at Christmas. I LOVE IT!
3) Priesthood Session - I played sports growing up...mostly football (well really mostly basketball, but football is my favorite since you get to hit people and no one thinks anything of it (see #1 above)), and I really love the pregame atmosphere. There is a lot of hitting and yelling. People get fired up. Pregame speeches and all that rah rah stuff. Twice a year, men gather in the LDS Church to get semi-publicly berated in front of each other over being a lame husband, a lackluster home teacher, and a college dropout (at least compared to the number of degrees women are getting these days in higher education). It's good for us. Guys react a certain way when they are told "you suck". It's a motivator. You kind of say: "Well I'll show you what kind of man I am." It's like good machismo stuff where we "Cowboy Up" and resolve to actually do a better job being a husband, father, employer, employee, student, etc.
I was SO fired up today when I heard Carole M. Stephens talk today, right off the bat she said: "Each of us is a son or daughter of Heavenly Parents." YES! Right off the bat, 1st session, talking about having a Heavenly Mother. I mean, lets all face it folks, G_d is really a married couple and not just the "dude" 1/2. Heavenly Father refers to the male/father 1/2 and Heavenly Mother obviously makes up the female/mother 1/2. TOGETHER, they are "G_d". I dig it.
She quoted Wilford Woodruff when he said: "Every Man or Woman who has ever entered in to the Church of G_d, being baptized for the remission of sins, has a right to revelation." Preach it SISTER! I can see where you are headed and I like it!
"The Holy Ghost is not restricted to men, nor Apostles and Prophets. It belongs to every faithful, man, and woman, and child..." say more, say more!
"We need to receive the Temple Endowment." You are ALMOST THERE (I screamed at my iPhone as I listed while I drove!
She quoted M. Russel Ballard said: "When men and women go to the Temple, they are endowed with the same power. This, by definition, is Priesthood Power. The endowment is literally a gift of power." THAT'S IT!!! That's what I have been waiting for!
We have been telling Beya for weeks now that while she sees men officiating in the Priesthood outside of the Temple, BOTH genders officiate in the Priesthood inside the Temple. We have been working to teach all the kids the difference between the Priesthood Power, which is used by both Genders everywhere, and the officiating of the Priesthood, which is largely conducted by men outside of the Temple (and both Genders inside the Temple). I refused to give up on the idea that women don't hold the Priesthood. If they didn't, there would be no way for them to conduct the ordinances in the Temple (initiatories) and to pass along the sacred information in the Temple during the Endowment if they didn't possess the necessary Priesthood to officiate in the ordinance. Sister Stephens confirmed, out loud, in General Conference, that men AND women are BOTH endowed with the SAME Priesthood Power in the Endowment.
I was thrilled with General Conference today, thinking that it is amazing how "current" and "relevant" the topics are. It is clear the General Authorities are aware and listening to what people are struggling with in the Church, especially Gender Issues.
But, Saturday night Priesthood was the WORST Priesthood Session I have ever watched. It was flat, boring, didn't contain a rallying call (OK, there was a "Do your hometeaching" talk...but it wasn't the same. It left me severely lacking. Then, I found out that a large number of women got in line tonight for the Session to watch from the Conference Center. After 200 years, they broadcast Priesthood live via BYU TV and online at LDS.ORG and the SAME DAY, right after the Church made it available for anyone to watch, live, there are women who want to go that night.
I'm sorry, I am a feminist, I REALLY AM (just ask my wife). But having women at "Priesthood Meeting" is like watching a sex scene with your wife AND Mom there...really hard to enjoy. And maybe women are saying they totally agree and I shouldn't be watching that period and that's the problem with Priesthood. It's like giving birth to a Child and having your neighbor from 5 doors down that you don't know pop by just to see what it looks like down there because they haven't had kids yet. It's not that having people at these times is bad or good. But, for certain events, like Marriages, Funerals, Graduation, etc...there is always an "intended" audience for the event. Having the guy who failed and will be back next year for 12th grade again...it's uncomfortable for everyone.
If you are speaking in "Priesthood Session", do you talk to both Genders because they are both watching? Well then, what's the point of having a separate Relief Society Session and Priesthood. I LIKE that we each get talked to from "our leaders" on gender specific issues. I think it's helpful! I WANT to be a better husband, and I want to hear how to do it from a good husband. Same with someone who's a successful business person who wants to tell me how to be good at my job. Same with home teaching, being a father, etc.
Heck, it'd be nice to have someone in the Relief Society Presidency or Primary Presidency, or Young Woman's Presidency come to Priesthood to tell me how to be a good husband, father, or Dad to a teenage daughter. PLEASE COME AND TELL ME!!!
But having just one more session of general conference with everyone there...it ruins it. It's not the same. It may be tradition, but it's helpful to get gender and role specific instruction. It's available for everyone to watch online...heck, most of the men will probably watch it online now. But why do women have to BE there? I don't see what is gained? I don't see why "crashing the party" moves the cause of equality forward. Please help. I'm sad. I'm bummed. Priesthood sucked and I could have used a good "pep talk" tonight. Maybe we should rebrand it and call it something else. It's been Priesthood and Relief Society for over 100 years...it can change, no problem.
But I do find a lot of value into "splitting up" for the 3rd hour. I think both genders need it and I hope we keep it.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Follow the Rules and Work Like Hell
I hate Disney (DIS). All right, that is actually a complete lie; but I'll tell you why I would say such a thing. I was speaking with someone the other day and they were laying out for me their ill fated life and all that is going wrong therin. Then, they stopped and commented how they wanted the wife, and the house, and the kids, and the job, and the fairy tail ending.
My advice, which was completely unappreciated, as I found out when the conversation ended abruptly shortly thereafter, was simple: go to work. I was then told that a job had already been obtained and that work had commenced. I told my conversation partner to work more, work all the time. If the current job didn't afford 15-18 hours a day of work, then go get more work. I then said work, work, work, work, & work. At which point I was told, not so politely, how this person felt and the conversation was over. And I have known this person for over 20 years!
THIS is why I hate Disney. People grow up watching fairy tales, thinking that by the time they hit adulthood that their "happy ever after can begin". Is it just me or does everyone forget that Rapunzle was locked up for decades in a tower? What about Simba watching his Uncle kill his Father and then being chased off by Hyena's and living in squalor (at least compared with being King) for decades until he gets his act together and takes on his responsibilities? In the Princess and the Frog, she is heroine is a waitress her working life and gets turned into a frog and is wooed by a swindler until they both grow up and fall in love. People seem to equate the 1st hour of the movie to their youth and the magic should happen sometime in your twenties, and then it's smooth sailing from there.
The reality is that the part of the movie that we NEVER see is the years of work that got each character to the point where something "miraculous" can happen. Most professional comedians starve themselves, and their family (if they have one)before they ever make it big. They tell jokes at every hole in the wall in the world before they "get their break". All we ever see is when they break onto the "big stage", the "magical" moment. The reality is that life is flippin' hard, and you MUST do two things to succeed:
1) Follow the Rules
2) Work like Hell
You don't have to do them both all the time, but you MUST do one of them at ALL times. When you don't, and you give up on both...you are going to regret it.
What do I mean by the rules? Pick a religion, ANY religion, and live by it. Live it to a T. Now, (here's the hard sell coming), I think you should be a Latter-Day Saint (a Mormon if you like). After going to 17 different denominations over the coarse of 4 years, I proved to myself that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has THE best set of rules for anyone to follow. But, in the end, I'm not picky. You must have a belief system that can guide you through life's choices. Do you drink or not drink? Do you have sex with whomever you want or wait until marriage? Are you faithful to your spouse? Do you have children? Do you let those children eat while sitting on the table? Can they jump on the couch or the bed? How important is it to work? All of those questions are going to be determined by how you see the world, your Metaphysics. Your Metaphysics is developed as you live your life of faith and get answers to life's big questions: Why are we here? What did we do before we got here? What happens after we are no longer here? As you begin to answer those, you'll find answers to all of the other questions above.
The last one, "How do I view work?" is of supreme importance. You MUST work like hell. You must work all the time. We are either going forwards or going backwards. If you are not working, and not participating in wholesome entertainment (which is a lot of work these days to find something that isn't trashy), then you ARE going backwards. You must work to pay rent, eat food, buy clothes, fill your car with gas to get to work, heat/cool your dwelling, cell phone to talk/text/tweet, internet for your computer to talk to you relatives and friends that are far away. Then there is your education....DANG does that cost a lot. What about fun? Besides nature, and by that I mean simply looking at it or walking around, every other activity cost money biking, skiing, canoeing, running, basketball...none of it is free. The problem with money is that if you see it as the end in and of itself, rather than a means to getting back to Rule Number 1 (Follow the rules), you are going to have a hard time. Work is about improving yourself. Shooting free-throws makes you a better basketball player. Playing Wii Tennis gives you better hand-eye coordination. Reading books improves your vocabulary and understanding of the world around you. Reading helps you examine the human condition from other angles not your own (still kind of talking about Rule #`again).
The more work you do, the less time you have to make mistakes. Less free time means: less time wasted surfing social media, endless posts of things you could waste your money on with Craig's List, fewer levels to beat in your video game that will rob you of valuable time with those you love and care about. Less free time means fewer dollars spent on things you don't really need and more money you can give to charities you care about based on Rule #1. It means avoiding addictions like gambling, pornography, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, video games, and the countless other things this world attempts to tell you that you need through advertising. Work keeps you out of trouble and out of debt. Work keeps you focused on improvement. Work can take dozens of forms and isn't all "for pay".
Work is a means to an end as well, that end being money affords you time to spend on Rule #1, which is "following the rules". For what seems like all of time, the vast majority of philosophers are well to do...they are rich people. Those are the only ones who have enough money to get to spend time thinking about morality, how the world works, and whether or not G_d actually exists and what kind of being G_d is.
I've gone on and on about the benefits of Following the Rules and Working like Hell. What's the bottom line? When you see a terrific marriage, a happy family, and someone with a good job who enjoys their work; it's not because they woke up after 20 years with a kiss and it was handed to them. No one came to rescue them from a tower. People who enjoy life do so because they find a belief system and keep it and they work hard. Marriage is hard people, and it takes effort. I go days without seeing my kids because of the amount of work I do. When I asked Rachel (my wife) if I should find a way to be at home more, she told me she has everything handled and it's good for the kids to see my example of hard work. They treasure the time that they do get to spend with me and it means I can do things like offer advice and council because of how my kids see me. Rachel also works very hard to establish the rules for the kids. She gives them Rule #1 and I give them Rule #2. Rachel is also deep in the middle of writing a 7 book series and there is no shortage of work that she has to do. The kids are a constant witness of endless amounts of work that get done by both Mom and Dad. It's good for them to see that.
That's what bugs me about Disney. No one really wants to see a movie about the 1st 20 years of life, or 30, BEFORE the happy ending comes in 118 minutes. It's really not Disney's fault. Too many of us live in a microwave society where we imagine we can just ZAP whatever we want into existence. We want all the gain without any of the pain. Real life doesn't work that way. It's hard. It's really hard.
Life is beautiful and the beauty is in the journey of arriving, not in the end of the journey. Who waits until the credits roll to enjoy the film? Who gets to the end of the bowl of ice cream before you enjoy the taste? Who wants to wait until the music stops to dance? Don't, don't wait to dance...do it while the music is playing, even if you don't know the song. It doesn't matter if anyone is watching or not. Pick a partner you can work with, get married, and dance all night long. One day the music will stop and you want to be able to look back on all the fun you had dancing.
Oh, and I actually love Disney. The now own all the Marvel Super Heroes AND Star Wars. They are going to put a new Star Wars Movie out every year starting in 2015!!! That is going to make them rich and a lot of people very happy. So, when stocks sell off this summer, go by yourself or your kids lots of Disney stock, symbol DIS.
My advice, which was completely unappreciated, as I found out when the conversation ended abruptly shortly thereafter, was simple: go to work. I was then told that a job had already been obtained and that work had commenced. I told my conversation partner to work more, work all the time. If the current job didn't afford 15-18 hours a day of work, then go get more work. I then said work, work, work, work, & work. At which point I was told, not so politely, how this person felt and the conversation was over. And I have known this person for over 20 years!
THIS is why I hate Disney. People grow up watching fairy tales, thinking that by the time they hit adulthood that their "happy ever after can begin". Is it just me or does everyone forget that Rapunzle was locked up for decades in a tower? What about Simba watching his Uncle kill his Father and then being chased off by Hyena's and living in squalor (at least compared with being King) for decades until he gets his act together and takes on his responsibilities? In the Princess and the Frog, she is heroine is a waitress her working life and gets turned into a frog and is wooed by a swindler until they both grow up and fall in love. People seem to equate the 1st hour of the movie to their youth and the magic should happen sometime in your twenties, and then it's smooth sailing from there.
The reality is that the part of the movie that we NEVER see is the years of work that got each character to the point where something "miraculous" can happen. Most professional comedians starve themselves, and their family (if they have one)before they ever make it big. They tell jokes at every hole in the wall in the world before they "get their break". All we ever see is when they break onto the "big stage", the "magical" moment. The reality is that life is flippin' hard, and you MUST do two things to succeed:
1) Follow the Rules
2) Work like Hell
You don't have to do them both all the time, but you MUST do one of them at ALL times. When you don't, and you give up on both...you are going to regret it.
What do I mean by the rules? Pick a religion, ANY religion, and live by it. Live it to a T. Now, (here's the hard sell coming), I think you should be a Latter-Day Saint (a Mormon if you like). After going to 17 different denominations over the coarse of 4 years, I proved to myself that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has THE best set of rules for anyone to follow. But, in the end, I'm not picky. You must have a belief system that can guide you through life's choices. Do you drink or not drink? Do you have sex with whomever you want or wait until marriage? Are you faithful to your spouse? Do you have children? Do you let those children eat while sitting on the table? Can they jump on the couch or the bed? How important is it to work? All of those questions are going to be determined by how you see the world, your Metaphysics. Your Metaphysics is developed as you live your life of faith and get answers to life's big questions: Why are we here? What did we do before we got here? What happens after we are no longer here? As you begin to answer those, you'll find answers to all of the other questions above.
The last one, "How do I view work?" is of supreme importance. You MUST work like hell. You must work all the time. We are either going forwards or going backwards. If you are not working, and not participating in wholesome entertainment (which is a lot of work these days to find something that isn't trashy), then you ARE going backwards. You must work to pay rent, eat food, buy clothes, fill your car with gas to get to work, heat/cool your dwelling, cell phone to talk/text/tweet, internet for your computer to talk to you relatives and friends that are far away. Then there is your education....DANG does that cost a lot. What about fun? Besides nature, and by that I mean simply looking at it or walking around, every other activity cost money biking, skiing, canoeing, running, basketball...none of it is free. The problem with money is that if you see it as the end in and of itself, rather than a means to getting back to Rule Number 1 (Follow the rules), you are going to have a hard time. Work is about improving yourself. Shooting free-throws makes you a better basketball player. Playing Wii Tennis gives you better hand-eye coordination. Reading books improves your vocabulary and understanding of the world around you. Reading helps you examine the human condition from other angles not your own (still kind of talking about Rule #`again).
The more work you do, the less time you have to make mistakes. Less free time means: less time wasted surfing social media, endless posts of things you could waste your money on with Craig's List, fewer levels to beat in your video game that will rob you of valuable time with those you love and care about. Less free time means fewer dollars spent on things you don't really need and more money you can give to charities you care about based on Rule #1. It means avoiding addictions like gambling, pornography, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, video games, and the countless other things this world attempts to tell you that you need through advertising. Work keeps you out of trouble and out of debt. Work keeps you focused on improvement. Work can take dozens of forms and isn't all "for pay".
Work is a means to an end as well, that end being money affords you time to spend on Rule #1, which is "following the rules". For what seems like all of time, the vast majority of philosophers are well to do...they are rich people. Those are the only ones who have enough money to get to spend time thinking about morality, how the world works, and whether or not G_d actually exists and what kind of being G_d is.
I've gone on and on about the benefits of Following the Rules and Working like Hell. What's the bottom line? When you see a terrific marriage, a happy family, and someone with a good job who enjoys their work; it's not because they woke up after 20 years with a kiss and it was handed to them. No one came to rescue them from a tower. People who enjoy life do so because they find a belief system and keep it and they work hard. Marriage is hard people, and it takes effort. I go days without seeing my kids because of the amount of work I do. When I asked Rachel (my wife) if I should find a way to be at home more, she told me she has everything handled and it's good for the kids to see my example of hard work. They treasure the time that they do get to spend with me and it means I can do things like offer advice and council because of how my kids see me. Rachel also works very hard to establish the rules for the kids. She gives them Rule #1 and I give them Rule #2. Rachel is also deep in the middle of writing a 7 book series and there is no shortage of work that she has to do. The kids are a constant witness of endless amounts of work that get done by both Mom and Dad. It's good for them to see that.
That's what bugs me about Disney. No one really wants to see a movie about the 1st 20 years of life, or 30, BEFORE the happy ending comes in 118 minutes. It's really not Disney's fault. Too many of us live in a microwave society where we imagine we can just ZAP whatever we want into existence. We want all the gain without any of the pain. Real life doesn't work that way. It's hard. It's really hard.
Life is beautiful and the beauty is in the journey of arriving, not in the end of the journey. Who waits until the credits roll to enjoy the film? Who gets to the end of the bowl of ice cream before you enjoy the taste? Who wants to wait until the music stops to dance? Don't, don't wait to dance...do it while the music is playing, even if you don't know the song. It doesn't matter if anyone is watching or not. Pick a partner you can work with, get married, and dance all night long. One day the music will stop and you want to be able to look back on all the fun you had dancing.
Oh, and I actually love Disney. The now own all the Marvel Super Heroes AND Star Wars. They are going to put a new Star Wars Movie out every year starting in 2015!!! That is going to make them rich and a lot of people very happy. So, when stocks sell off this summer, go by yourself or your kids lots of Disney stock, symbol DIS.
Friday, August 24, 2012
It's not all about the RULES you big dummy!
I get it, I get it. I really get it on Friday night as everyone at work heads for the bar, a party, or to sit at home & drink away the 60-80 hour work week. Actually, we kind of laugh at 60 hour work weeks out here in North Dakota...but that's a WHOLE other post.
You get it right, what I'm talking about? People are SO ready to go home, get wasted, & forget about another insane week of work that they can't possibly fathom someone wouldn't want to do the same.
In fact, when it comes to meeting & talking to a Latter-day Saint (you probably call them Mormons), it seems like all anyone wants to talk about is what we "can" and "can't" do.
First, the idea the "the Church tells you what to do" means that a person saying that has never been to a 3-hour meeting block & certainly hasn't watched a full 2-hour session of General Conference. Church is much more about sharing our experience with each other and offering helpful advice and spiritual insights we have gained as a result of our own earthly experience.
Second, no one will ever be barred from coming to Church because they drink, or smoke, or cuss, or a multitude of other "sins". We don't have a confessional (although breaking the law of chastity, or severely breaking the word of wisdom in the form of alcoholism and/or drugs probably means you'll want to talk with a Bishop to get help to get back on track), so there is no place for you to go to openly admit your guilt for anything. For some reason, people will talk about their sins from the pulpit during "Fast & Testimony Meeting" on the 1st Sunday of each month when there is an "open pulpit"...but we actually prefer you don't do that. It's usually never fast, and it's not much of a testimony either. If you have a serious issue that needs resolving, start with your spouse & family, then your home teachers if you need outside help, & then the Bishop if you need Priesthood Authority...but DON'T talk about it from the pulpit.
Third, when it comes to "rulebooks" in the Church, they are usually more about "how to" then "what to" or "what not to". BUT, despite our lived experience, those not of our faith constantly ask: "Can you do this?" "Are you allowed to do that?" "If this happens then can you...?" They always want to talk about things we can't do...it boggles many minds to think that we would so voluntarily give up "fun" things. That's where the...well, no on would ever give that up, so they must be FORCED to stop doing all those things.
People...people...people, you have it all wrong. It's not about what we can or can't do; it's about what we do and don't believe. THAT is why everyone who ultimately becomes a Latter-day Saint (a Mormon) STAYS a Saint. See, what we really want you to ask about are the following:
What or who was I before I lived here on Earth?
Does G_d REALLY have a body?
Is G_d REALLY omnipotent...or omniscient...or omnipresent?
Why do terrible, horrible things happen to good people?
Does G_d interact with the world, and to what degree?
Should I be scared that at my wedding they said: "till death do you part"?
Is it true that your Church says I can still be married when I'm resurrected?
Can I have my children after this life as my children?
Is G_d married?
See, the answer to ALL of these questions are REALLY important. Their answers and the sum of our experience that often confirm the truthfulness of the answers is why so many of us (now over 14 million people world wide) are Latter-day Saints.
It's the DOCTRINE silly! Imagine that you are interviewing for a new job. You go, they ask you questions, you ask them questions, they tell you a little about the job. You are presented with an offer that is better than what you currently have and you start going to work without really knowing the full range of everything you'll be asked to for work. You are excited because you know it's a better job.
But, in the beginning, things are tough. There are all sorts of new people and procedures to work through. You often find you have questions about what to do next or if this or that should be avoided. You even learn that there are some people at work that you probably don't want to have to work with. You have to learn who to listen to (who has good advice) and who should be avoided as much as possible. You get a few questions and you just end up with more questions the more you work.
Eventually, you settle into your grove, you feel good about your new life, & you handle challenges when they come up. You put out fires as they pop up. You don't necessarily look for a promotion, but if you do a good job you may get offered one. You learn who the other people are that are committed to excellence and you work with them as often as possible. They make you feel good about being a part of the team.
One day you may even do well enough that the company offers you your own store, or a district, or area to be in charge of. YOU get to be the boss now that you've proven yourself able to be trusted with the responsibility of running your own show...even though you still technically have a boss.
Yes, being a Latter-day Saint is like that. You start a new believe system because it offers you a promise of a better life. You don't have all the answers up front, but you learn and grow. You become "part of the team". Eventually you have lots of questions, all of which get answered. It's the answered questions that endures us to the LDS Church. It's like Radio Shack (not the going bankrupt part), where they say: "You've got questions and we've got answers."
The "rules" are the result of someone saying: "OK, I did this thing...I'm a Mormon now...what do I do differently now?" The "rules" help people answer the question of what changes should I make in my life now that I'm LDS? What should I eat? What should I drink? What should I watch or listen to?
The rules don't come first & then you become LDS. You become LDS and you learn HOW to be a Latter-day Saint. It's a process. The rules don't keep you from happiness. Once you have happiness, the rules help you stay there. It's like buying something from Walmart...if you aren't completely satisfied, you can go back to your old life...but I bet you won't. Not if you are looking for a promotion you wont.
We all know the people that you have worked with that were there for a week and realized that it was a lot more hard work than they planned on. Then they never show up the 2nd week & before you know it they've moved on, were fired, or quit. If you can make it six months, coming to Church every week, reading your scriptures, and attend General Conference. You'll get it...it's not about the rules at all. It's about what we believe.
We can answer all the questions up above...and so many more. Even better YOU can have the answers to all those questions. You can find out for yourself as you ask in prayer and then read the scriptures and words of the modern prophets. See, we do think that one can have true happiness...right now...in this world. All they have to do is ask a few questions and get some answers. Then, if they decide they want more...we can help them learn how to live a different life. The rules are reminders of what will take our eye "off the prize". The rules help you stay out of trouble...out of jail...and out of despair.
So, the next time you find out someone you know is a Mormon. Instead of asking them what they can and can't do...consider asking them what they can and do believe.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
My Favorite Month
I just couldn't shake this darn cold. It had been with me for weeks and didn't seem to be getting better any time soon. On Tuesday night I had to change sleepwear 3 times in the middle of the night. I kept waking up soaking wet and I didn't get anywhere close to a full night's sleep. When I got to work I was determined to make it to the end of the day. I get paid good money to work, but I get a whole lot more when I make it into overtime & double time...that's where the bills get paid.
At around 11am though I was in terrible shape and was using wet paper towels to wipe my nose. I couldn't use a dry cloth or towel because it would tear up my nose in the shape I was in. I was starting to get some looks from the guys I work with on the desk. By the time lpm rolled around, I couldn't stop shivering. I was back & forth between hot flashes and cold sweats. I couldn't keep my temperature regulated and it was getting hard to type on the keyboard.
By 3pm I couldn't take it much longer and I needed to get home and sleep this off. By 7pm I was asleep for the night. I went through a few more sets of clothes Wednesday night and woke up around 7am the next day. I felt like someone had shot me in the chest when I was fully awake. I had already text messaged work to let them know I had to see the doctor before I made it in to work. I couldn't stop shivering and I felt like something was in my lungs. I know that when it comes to not being able to breath that things become serious.
I waited for hours in the waiting room and had one goal when someone finally saw me: get a chest x-ray to prove that I had fluid in my lungs. I managed to convince them that my condition was serious enough to necessitate a chest x-ray. We finally made our way to the lab and within 30 minutes the doctor was writing me a prescription for medicine to help me get over pneumonia. I had talked with my Mom, a nurse, before hand and she had given me a probably diagnosis of pneumonia...so I knew exactly what I wanted to get from the doctor. It worked out perfectly...and I wasn't going to be headed back to work soon...not until I wasn't contagious any more.
My biggest concern was being ready for Monday. A week or so earlier I had been asked to teach Seminary. Seminary is where high school students at our Church show up at 6:30am to learn about the Scriptures (Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, & the Doctrine & Covenants). It goes for close to an hour and it's a ton of fun. Thanks to all my education in philosophy & religion and my Masters of Divinity, the hard part has never been preparing for a lesson. The most difficult thing about teaching Seminary is waking up before 6am every day. I tried waking up at 6am and just couldn't get prepared for the lesson, dressed, & to Church on time. This wasn't the first time I've taught Seminary. I taught for an entire year in California and it was a tremendous experience. Seminary is actually what introduced me to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Whenever I'm asked why I joined the LDS Church I tell them two things: doughnuts & girls. My friend, Nick Thomas, gave me a copy of the Book of Mormon when I was searching for a Church. After reading some of it I asked him what I could do to learn more and he told me they get doughnuts on Fridays. I wasn't doing anything at 6:30am and thought...why not. I was impressed with the ladies I met when I showed up that Friday and I never stopped coming. Eventually I came to the conclusion that there was something to the Book of Mormon and the LDS Church. I asked the Seminary teacher to baptize me and I became a Latter-day Saint myself.
When I taught Seminary in California, I encouraged my students to invite those who were not of our faith on Fridays when we had doughnuts. They did just that and it worked for me, just as it had for my teacher in high school all those years ago. It didn't hurt that we had a 1/2 dozen or so young women in our class just like I had all those years ago when I was in high school. Before the year was over, I was asked to baptize one of my students, Max Sneery. It was pretty terrific to see the story play out all over again with another young person. The magic formula of doughnuts and girls worked again.
All this tradition and history was in jeopardy if I couldn't get healthy enough by Monday to get out of bed. I spent nearly all weekend reading the Old Testament and sleeping. By the time Monday rolled around...I was in good enough shape to show up for the first day with my box of medicines I had to take 3 times a day...but I made it.
The month was amazing. I'm a stickler for footnotes and I try to have the kids go to them whenever something doesn't make sense the first time you read it. I may just have to do a separate post for my themes of the Hebrew Bible (or Old Testament). It's always a tremendous experience to teach Seminary and bonds are formed between teacher and student. It's a special experience to arise early with the students...part of the benefit of shared sacrifice. I wouldn't miss teaching Seminary for the world...but it has it's price.
Half-way through my Month of substituting, I moved to the 10am-10pm shift. This means that getting in bed by 11pm would be a best case scenario. It also meant that I'd have to wake up at 5:15am in order to be prepared for the class each morning. Despite burning my candle at both ends I made it the entire month after getting hit with pneumonia right before I started teaching.
I sailed through...that is until the last day I taught. It felt like a Friday. Even though I had work the next day, I didn't have to wake up at 5:15am thanks to a school holiday on Good Friday and I was pumped. I had waited a month to be able to sleep in. I'm a big fan of staying up late to get done what needs to be done. I am not, however, that excited about getting up early. I really can't stand it. When I went to work on Thursday, everyone kept asking what was up with my eye. My right eye looked a little bit like pink eye and I hadn't got to sleep until close to 1am that Thursday morning because of an exceptionally late night at work. I knew I was close to getting sick all week...I could feel it. Well, by the time noon rolled around I had the wet cloths out and was dabbing at my eyes. Closer to 3/4pm I was having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so to clean the mucus out of my eyes so that I could see straight and keep my eyes open. By the time 7pm rolled around my eyes were watering constantly and it was clear I was going to need to get something done about this before I came to work on Friday morning.
When I woke up on Friday morning I couldn't open my eyes at all. During the night I had kept my eyes closed as I had woken up twice in the middle of the night twice to use the bathroom. I know the room well enough to navigate it with my eyes closed without falling over anything or walking into anything. It took a hot shower in the morning to wash out whatever was keeping my eyes shut. When I finally was able to open them up and look in the mirror it was clear they weren't going to let me come in looking like I did. It was a cross between being stung by a bee (swelling) and being turned into a Vampire (with blood red eyes). They were desperate to brand me with pink eye the day before at work. I was desperate to find something to put on my eyes so that I could get back to work.
I had managed to get a bacterial infection of both eyes and was told several times: "it wasn't pink eye" and "you are not going back to work". Once again...it looked like I wasn't headed back to work thanks to my latest contracted sickness. When was driving around town to get my prescription and some things I needed at Walmart it finally hit me. Despite how hard I had pushed myself for the month I taught Seminary, I had been protected the entire time I taught Seminary. I went for weeks without getting a full nights sleep. I magically managed to get to the Church each morning on time or a few minutes after despite going to bed way after I should have. Each day I was able to arrive prepared to teach. Most importantly, the students and parents thanked me at several junctures along the way for the effort I was putting in. It's not hard to keep going when you get encouragement like that from those you are teaching.
Despite really putting the pedal down for weeks on end; I managed to both start when I needed and and make it all the way to the end of my month of teaching. As I left Walmart it was hard to tell the difference in the tears coming down my face from the infection and those coming from the realization that I had been watched over and protected for a month so that I could assist in the work of the Lord. It's a tremendous feeling to know that you've been watched over like I was. I don't believe in coincidences...but I do believe in G_dincidences. I'm grateful for the experience I had teaching Seminary and even more so to know that the Lord was with me in my journey. That means that the students got a lot more than just the words that came out of my mouth. I may not be ready to jump back in there and teach Seminary right now...but I hope this isn't the last time. The next time might not be so obviously, but I don't think it's the last time I'll find out after the fact that I've been watched over either. I look forward to both experiences.
At around 11am though I was in terrible shape and was using wet paper towels to wipe my nose. I couldn't use a dry cloth or towel because it would tear up my nose in the shape I was in. I was starting to get some looks from the guys I work with on the desk. By the time lpm rolled around, I couldn't stop shivering. I was back & forth between hot flashes and cold sweats. I couldn't keep my temperature regulated and it was getting hard to type on the keyboard.
By 3pm I couldn't take it much longer and I needed to get home and sleep this off. By 7pm I was asleep for the night. I went through a few more sets of clothes Wednesday night and woke up around 7am the next day. I felt like someone had shot me in the chest when I was fully awake. I had already text messaged work to let them know I had to see the doctor before I made it in to work. I couldn't stop shivering and I felt like something was in my lungs. I know that when it comes to not being able to breath that things become serious.
I waited for hours in the waiting room and had one goal when someone finally saw me: get a chest x-ray to prove that I had fluid in my lungs. I managed to convince them that my condition was serious enough to necessitate a chest x-ray. We finally made our way to the lab and within 30 minutes the doctor was writing me a prescription for medicine to help me get over pneumonia. I had talked with my Mom, a nurse, before hand and she had given me a probably diagnosis of pneumonia...so I knew exactly what I wanted to get from the doctor. It worked out perfectly...and I wasn't going to be headed back to work soon...not until I wasn't contagious any more.
My biggest concern was being ready for Monday. A week or so earlier I had been asked to teach Seminary. Seminary is where high school students at our Church show up at 6:30am to learn about the Scriptures (Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, & the Doctrine & Covenants). It goes for close to an hour and it's a ton of fun. Thanks to all my education in philosophy & religion and my Masters of Divinity, the hard part has never been preparing for a lesson. The most difficult thing about teaching Seminary is waking up before 6am every day. I tried waking up at 6am and just couldn't get prepared for the lesson, dressed, & to Church on time. This wasn't the first time I've taught Seminary. I taught for an entire year in California and it was a tremendous experience. Seminary is actually what introduced me to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Whenever I'm asked why I joined the LDS Church I tell them two things: doughnuts & girls. My friend, Nick Thomas, gave me a copy of the Book of Mormon when I was searching for a Church. After reading some of it I asked him what I could do to learn more and he told me they get doughnuts on Fridays. I wasn't doing anything at 6:30am and thought...why not. I was impressed with the ladies I met when I showed up that Friday and I never stopped coming. Eventually I came to the conclusion that there was something to the Book of Mormon and the LDS Church. I asked the Seminary teacher to baptize me and I became a Latter-day Saint myself.
When I taught Seminary in California, I encouraged my students to invite those who were not of our faith on Fridays when we had doughnuts. They did just that and it worked for me, just as it had for my teacher in high school all those years ago. It didn't hurt that we had a 1/2 dozen or so young women in our class just like I had all those years ago when I was in high school. Before the year was over, I was asked to baptize one of my students, Max Sneery. It was pretty terrific to see the story play out all over again with another young person. The magic formula of doughnuts and girls worked again.
All this tradition and history was in jeopardy if I couldn't get healthy enough by Monday to get out of bed. I spent nearly all weekend reading the Old Testament and sleeping. By the time Monday rolled around...I was in good enough shape to show up for the first day with my box of medicines I had to take 3 times a day...but I made it.
The month was amazing. I'm a stickler for footnotes and I try to have the kids go to them whenever something doesn't make sense the first time you read it. I may just have to do a separate post for my themes of the Hebrew Bible (or Old Testament). It's always a tremendous experience to teach Seminary and bonds are formed between teacher and student. It's a special experience to arise early with the students...part of the benefit of shared sacrifice. I wouldn't miss teaching Seminary for the world...but it has it's price.
Half-way through my Month of substituting, I moved to the 10am-10pm shift. This means that getting in bed by 11pm would be a best case scenario. It also meant that I'd have to wake up at 5:15am in order to be prepared for the class each morning. Despite burning my candle at both ends I made it the entire month after getting hit with pneumonia right before I started teaching.
I sailed through...that is until the last day I taught. It felt like a Friday. Even though I had work the next day, I didn't have to wake up at 5:15am thanks to a school holiday on Good Friday and I was pumped. I had waited a month to be able to sleep in. I'm a big fan of staying up late to get done what needs to be done. I am not, however, that excited about getting up early. I really can't stand it. When I went to work on Thursday, everyone kept asking what was up with my eye. My right eye looked a little bit like pink eye and I hadn't got to sleep until close to 1am that Thursday morning because of an exceptionally late night at work. I knew I was close to getting sick all week...I could feel it. Well, by the time noon rolled around I had the wet cloths out and was dabbing at my eyes. Closer to 3/4pm I was having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so to clean the mucus out of my eyes so that I could see straight and keep my eyes open. By the time 7pm rolled around my eyes were watering constantly and it was clear I was going to need to get something done about this before I came to work on Friday morning.
When I woke up on Friday morning I couldn't open my eyes at all. During the night I had kept my eyes closed as I had woken up twice in the middle of the night twice to use the bathroom. I know the room well enough to navigate it with my eyes closed without falling over anything or walking into anything. It took a hot shower in the morning to wash out whatever was keeping my eyes shut. When I finally was able to open them up and look in the mirror it was clear they weren't going to let me come in looking like I did. It was a cross between being stung by a bee (swelling) and being turned into a Vampire (with blood red eyes). They were desperate to brand me with pink eye the day before at work. I was desperate to find something to put on my eyes so that I could get back to work.
I had managed to get a bacterial infection of both eyes and was told several times: "it wasn't pink eye" and "you are not going back to work". Once again...it looked like I wasn't headed back to work thanks to my latest contracted sickness. When was driving around town to get my prescription and some things I needed at Walmart it finally hit me. Despite how hard I had pushed myself for the month I taught Seminary, I had been protected the entire time I taught Seminary. I went for weeks without getting a full nights sleep. I magically managed to get to the Church each morning on time or a few minutes after despite going to bed way after I should have. Each day I was able to arrive prepared to teach. Most importantly, the students and parents thanked me at several junctures along the way for the effort I was putting in. It's not hard to keep going when you get encouragement like that from those you are teaching.
Despite really putting the pedal down for weeks on end; I managed to both start when I needed and and make it all the way to the end of my month of teaching. As I left Walmart it was hard to tell the difference in the tears coming down my face from the infection and those coming from the realization that I had been watched over and protected for a month so that I could assist in the work of the Lord. It's a tremendous feeling to know that you've been watched over like I was. I don't believe in coincidences...but I do believe in G_dincidences. I'm grateful for the experience I had teaching Seminary and even more so to know that the Lord was with me in my journey. That means that the students got a lot more than just the words that came out of my mouth. I may not be ready to jump back in there and teach Seminary right now...but I hope this isn't the last time. The next time might not be so obviously, but I don't think it's the last time I'll find out after the fact that I've been watched over either. I look forward to both experiences.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Eternal Perspective Part II
My friend Chuck will be happy to hear me remind everyone that "only the Sith deal in absolutes". I'll have to agree with Yoda on that one, & after I finished writing about how I felt about having an Eternal Perspective in my previous post...I'm going to take some of those words back...and I'll tell you why.
While I maintain that using the idea of an Eternal Perspective to call a people or congregation into submission is far from ideal; the idea works quite well when you apply it to yourself. How can that be possible? Before we dive in, check out the video so that we can start with the same knowledge:
See, the problem with this life is that it's hard...terribly hard. You will be tried, tested, brought to your knees...even the very breaking point when you want to give up. This is hard to take. It's hard to go to sleep at night without those you love. It's hard to sleep in your car, to work all night long, to give and give when it feels like you need to just get for once. All of us will go there at some point. In fact...we should hope that we do. See, we've been told clearly that we will not be tested beyond what we can bear. If you have not been brought to your knees...then it is possible that more work needs to be done. I suppose it's possible to make it through this existence without really being tested...but I doubt it.
We are better for the refiners fire. Bones once broken are stronger. Metal with proper welds applied is stronger. Knowledge tested repeatedly and used frequently is stronger. When rules are broken and we repent, our resolve to avoid future mistakes is...you guessed it...stronger. It is part of the process, and despite the pain we feel while we reside in the midst of the burning trial by fire...we will in fact be stronger for it. There was a talk recently given in which the speaker spoke of a young boy going through chemotherapy. The boy asked the doctor if he will be back to normal when the treatment is over. The doctor replied, I'm afraid not...you will be better than you were before. The same holds true for us as we are tried by life. I am reminded of the Lord's answer to Joseph Smith in D&C 122 when he pleaded with Him to end his suffering in Liberty Jail. The Lord responded in D&C 122:8 "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"
The answer, however difficult it is to utter, is no...we are not greater than He. But that is of great importance to Him, for we know from Moses 1:39 that "For behold, this is my work and my glory -- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." That great God, for which we are no better...God's only goal is our immortality and eternal life. THIS, US, is what creates, grows, and IS God's glory. How do we connect the dots now?
When I child dies, the worst thing we could say to the parent is that it's all part of God's plan...absolute worst. But, to those parents, the only thing that may get them through the day is that they can be united with that child again one day through the sealing power of the Temple. When long hours at work separate husband from wife and children...it is important to remember that this will not always be the case. When the fire of affliction and trial burn hottest, it is comforting to know that the suffering does not last indefinitely. When a spouse dies and the future may be faced alone...there is comfort in knowing that the ability to be reunited is possible...all is not lost thanks again to the sealing power of the Temple.
When life is at it's darkest moments, having an eternal perspective is often the only way to make it through with a smile. Because things will be different after this life, it's possible to laugh when life kicks you. It's possible to smile instead of cry when the thought of a deceased loved one crosses our consciousness. My grand parents are gone and I didn't leave my Grandad on the best terms. This has haunted me for over a decade at this point. But I know that he has already forgiven my ill informed decision made at a young age. I know that one day, if I make good decisions going forward, he'll tell me he's proud of the man I've become. I know one day, maybe even soon, my Dad will leave this Earth and it will be up to me to take care of my Mom. I look forward to the day that I will be able to return and report to him that the task was executed to the greatest extent I possibly could. One day, I may have to face the loss of Rachel, Novan, Beya, Iyov, or Keshet...and it will hurt like hell...and the only thing that will get me through each day is the eternal perspective that they are far from lost to me. Death is simply the temporary separation of people who love each other.
Death is forever temporary. While Lucifer lorded death over our heads for centuries...he lost that battle at the point Christ was resurrected. And if we will but let ourselves see through the fleetingness of this life and have an eternal perspective...death will never haunt us again. For if your faith does not provide for the belief in an after life...consider a change. Who even cares if it's true? I sure don't. If someone managed to provide proof to me that everything I believed was false...I'd live it anyway.
Why do such an irrational thing? If you, like Job, lost everyone you loved by the end of next week. You tell me what thought will get you through the day: 1) You will never see them again or 2) You'll be reunited with them forever if you can follow some basic rules of governing self behavior. I don't know how you would choose...but I'll take that chance that my faith is in fact true. I have too much at stake to loose. I have an amazing wife, 4 beautiful children, 2 sets of parents, 4 sets of grandparents, 8 siblings. I either go through life thinking that these 40, 50, 60, maybe 70 or 80 years with them is it...or I believe that I can be with them forever.
I have lost Rachel's Dad and one set of Grandparents in this life. I miss them tremendously. But I refuse to give up the hope that I will see them again; AND that they participate in my life even now. Even if it's not true, I'd rather just believe that it is. It gives me hope. The death of my Grandfather has motivated decisions I've made since 1998. If I count up the accomplishments I've had since that fateful day...it's enough to write a book. I didn't do all those things for me, to achieve greatness, glory, or even popularity. I did them to right a wrong, to honor my father & mother, to support, love, and protect my spouse & children. If I die and it was all a lie...who cares...I'll be dead. But while I live in this life, if life chooses to keep trying to kick me, I'm going to kick back. I'm going to believe that things will get better. I'm going to believe that I'll get back the people I've lost. I will believe that wrongs will be righted and relationships will be restored. I'm going to believe that ultimately we will all return to our God that loves us. I'm going to believe all those things, not because someone told me to, or benefits from me if I do; but, because I BENEFIT because I believe those things.
I have an eternal perspective because it gives me hope and gets me through my day. So what if I give up on a few things because I've made covenants to avoid certain things. "Wickedness never was happiness." I hear all the gossip at work about all the things I could be doing if I chose to live that way...honestly...it doesn't seem any better than what I choose to spend my time on. When I stated before that what happens in this life matters right now, while we are still here. I meant it. And when life gets hard, that eternal perspective matters...and it matters right now.
While I maintain that using the idea of an Eternal Perspective to call a people or congregation into submission is far from ideal; the idea works quite well when you apply it to yourself. How can that be possible? Before we dive in, check out the video so that we can start with the same knowledge:
See, the problem with this life is that it's hard...terribly hard. You will be tried, tested, brought to your knees...even the very breaking point when you want to give up. This is hard to take. It's hard to go to sleep at night without those you love. It's hard to sleep in your car, to work all night long, to give and give when it feels like you need to just get for once. All of us will go there at some point. In fact...we should hope that we do. See, we've been told clearly that we will not be tested beyond what we can bear. If you have not been brought to your knees...then it is possible that more work needs to be done. I suppose it's possible to make it through this existence without really being tested...but I doubt it.
We are better for the refiners fire. Bones once broken are stronger. Metal with proper welds applied is stronger. Knowledge tested repeatedly and used frequently is stronger. When rules are broken and we repent, our resolve to avoid future mistakes is...you guessed it...stronger. It is part of the process, and despite the pain we feel while we reside in the midst of the burning trial by fire...we will in fact be stronger for it. There was a talk recently given in which the speaker spoke of a young boy going through chemotherapy. The boy asked the doctor if he will be back to normal when the treatment is over. The doctor replied, I'm afraid not...you will be better than you were before. The same holds true for us as we are tried by life. I am reminded of the Lord's answer to Joseph Smith in D&C 122 when he pleaded with Him to end his suffering in Liberty Jail. The Lord responded in D&C 122:8 "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"
The answer, however difficult it is to utter, is no...we are not greater than He. But that is of great importance to Him, for we know from Moses 1:39 that "For behold, this is my work and my glory -- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." That great God, for which we are no better...God's only goal is our immortality and eternal life. THIS, US, is what creates, grows, and IS God's glory. How do we connect the dots now?
When I child dies, the worst thing we could say to the parent is that it's all part of God's plan...absolute worst. But, to those parents, the only thing that may get them through the day is that they can be united with that child again one day through the sealing power of the Temple. When long hours at work separate husband from wife and children...it is important to remember that this will not always be the case. When the fire of affliction and trial burn hottest, it is comforting to know that the suffering does not last indefinitely. When a spouse dies and the future may be faced alone...there is comfort in knowing that the ability to be reunited is possible...all is not lost thanks again to the sealing power of the Temple.
When life is at it's darkest moments, having an eternal perspective is often the only way to make it through with a smile. Because things will be different after this life, it's possible to laugh when life kicks you. It's possible to smile instead of cry when the thought of a deceased loved one crosses our consciousness. My grand parents are gone and I didn't leave my Grandad on the best terms. This has haunted me for over a decade at this point. But I know that he has already forgiven my ill informed decision made at a young age. I know that one day, if I make good decisions going forward, he'll tell me he's proud of the man I've become. I know one day, maybe even soon, my Dad will leave this Earth and it will be up to me to take care of my Mom. I look forward to the day that I will be able to return and report to him that the task was executed to the greatest extent I possibly could. One day, I may have to face the loss of Rachel, Novan, Beya, Iyov, or Keshet...and it will hurt like hell...and the only thing that will get me through each day is the eternal perspective that they are far from lost to me. Death is simply the temporary separation of people who love each other.
Death is forever temporary. While Lucifer lorded death over our heads for centuries...he lost that battle at the point Christ was resurrected. And if we will but let ourselves see through the fleetingness of this life and have an eternal perspective...death will never haunt us again. For if your faith does not provide for the belief in an after life...consider a change. Who even cares if it's true? I sure don't. If someone managed to provide proof to me that everything I believed was false...I'd live it anyway.
Why do such an irrational thing? If you, like Job, lost everyone you loved by the end of next week. You tell me what thought will get you through the day: 1) You will never see them again or 2) You'll be reunited with them forever if you can follow some basic rules of governing self behavior. I don't know how you would choose...but I'll take that chance that my faith is in fact true. I have too much at stake to loose. I have an amazing wife, 4 beautiful children, 2 sets of parents, 4 sets of grandparents, 8 siblings. I either go through life thinking that these 40, 50, 60, maybe 70 or 80 years with them is it...or I believe that I can be with them forever.
I have lost Rachel's Dad and one set of Grandparents in this life. I miss them tremendously. But I refuse to give up the hope that I will see them again; AND that they participate in my life even now. Even if it's not true, I'd rather just believe that it is. It gives me hope. The death of my Grandfather has motivated decisions I've made since 1998. If I count up the accomplishments I've had since that fateful day...it's enough to write a book. I didn't do all those things for me, to achieve greatness, glory, or even popularity. I did them to right a wrong, to honor my father & mother, to support, love, and protect my spouse & children. If I die and it was all a lie...who cares...I'll be dead. But while I live in this life, if life chooses to keep trying to kick me, I'm going to kick back. I'm going to believe that things will get better. I'm going to believe that I'll get back the people I've lost. I will believe that wrongs will be righted and relationships will be restored. I'm going to believe that ultimately we will all return to our God that loves us. I'm going to believe all those things, not because someone told me to, or benefits from me if I do; but, because I BENEFIT because I believe those things.
I have an eternal perspective because it gives me hope and gets me through my day. So what if I give up on a few things because I've made covenants to avoid certain things. "Wickedness never was happiness." I hear all the gossip at work about all the things I could be doing if I chose to live that way...honestly...it doesn't seem any better than what I choose to spend my time on. When I stated before that what happens in this life matters right now, while we are still here. I meant it. And when life gets hard, that eternal perspective matters...and it matters right now.
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