"It's Just 25 Minutes a Day." "Just do the best that you can do." "It's just...a inch." "You need to FOCUS." Those are just a few of the fun catch phrases from our new project we have going on over here in our home. Rachel and I are working out. We have done it a few times in the past. We had one magical year back in California, right before the stock market blew up and sent our life into a tailspin, in which we made over $100,000 and we had the time to go to the gym every day once I was done for the day. Our monthly fee (which was subsidized by the company I worked for) provided childcare for SUPER cheap. I mean like $15 a month for 1.5 hours every day.
Thank heavens for the "at home gym revolution" in which programs like P90X, T25, and TurboFire made it so that you could pay one fee and then workout from home for as long you want. Without having to a gym, childcare wasn't necessary. Now that I type it out, programs like T25 actually save people a ton of money.
Why all the focus on working out and meals lately? (I'm sure you've seen my Facebook Page.)
It started last summer. I was trying to figure out how to improve. I usually grill Rachel with several questions about what I am doing well, poorly, too much, or not at all. Then I figure out the next thing I can work on to be better.
This time, I didn't have to ask any questions. I watch a lot of movies. That's probably an understatement even for me. I am in the phase of entering thousands of new parts into our system at work and the process is quite tedious. It's the same things over and over: description, cost, sale price, inventory level, reorder point, and preferred vendor...and repeat...and repeat...and repeat.
So, in order to stay up long nights and keep motivated, I watch
movies so that my brain has something to process while my fingers are
typing. It's a function of my ADHD.
One common theme in these movies is the scene where the couple falls in love, and they want to get physical. The woman thinks the man is so hot, that she rips, yanks, pulls, and tears (in extreme cases) his clothes off until they are naked and can proceed to do what married people do (have great sex).
I had to be honest with myself: Rachel has never ripped my clothes off...or wanted to. I don't blame her. This isn't one of those: "Your wife should like you more man, it's not you, it's her." This isn't something Rachel lacks. It's not her, it IS me. I have never given her a body worth ripping my clothes off to get to. Even after 4 years of college football I wasn't in "rip my clothes off shape".
I don't believe in being a victim. If I don't have something in my life, then I work on it until I have it. That isn't to say that no one ever gets taken advantage of. There are real victims. But I have found that most marriages aren't what people want them to be because they play the victim, rather than talk to their spouse about how and what they want to be different.
I started asking Rachel questions about her not really ever wanting to rip my clothes off and figured out there just wasn't much under the clothes worth getting to.
That doesn't mean we haven't had a fulfilling sex life. We have sex on a regular basis and it's come a long way from where we started. We do things we've added to it that we didn't do 12 years ago when we were married. We are more comfortable with each other than we ever were in the 1st 10 years of our marriage.
For you married folks out there that really do want to improve, I highly recommend going to a couples massage sometime when you can schedule some time. Then, once you both have a good idea of what a great massage looks and feels like, you can have couples massage weekly! Rachel and I have made it a priority every Sunday night, for at least a year, to give a great massage. She gets one every single Sunday and I get one when I really want one. I used to whine and complain about giving a massage. Turns out I was trying to play the victim: "My hands hurt if I do it for too long." "I never get a massage." "I never know what to do."
Blah, blah, blah. I had excuse after excuse. The bottom line: I wasn't committed to giving Rachel the experience she deserved, and so I didn't. When I "grew up" and got over it, the intimate portion of our marriage has grown and developed by leaps and bounds in the last 2 years. Who knew that when she was happy and fulfilled, I would be too.
Something to consider for married couples who have "lost the spark". That's the line I hear repeatedly in movies when one spouse decides to either cheat on or leave the other. Don't let it happen to you. Is that like saying: "If my spouse cheats on me, it's my fault." Yeah, it kind of is. And I'm willing to say that.
Like I said, there are real victims. People who do everything in their power and their spouse is either unfaithful, emotionally neglecting, etc. But if you have an amazing marriage, why on earth would they look elsewhere?
Make today the day you decide to have an amazing marriage. It might mean that you have to ask some questions you don't want to hear the answer to...but hey, that's how you are going to get where you want to go.
I promise you it's worth it. A few hours or days of uncomfortable conversation will get you amazing results. I guarantee it.
The other night, when we were having dinner, Rachel asked if I could eat dinner with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I said "sure". "I may even let you rip it off yourself." I might not have much to look at under my shirt now...but I will. And Rachel will want to rip my shirt off to get to it!
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