In the New Testament we read frequently that Jesus has laid his hands on another in order to heal them:
Mark 5:23
In this scene, a man in charge of the synagogue begs the Savior to come with him and heal his daughter. He asks specifically that He lay hands on her so that He can heal her so she may live.
Luke 4:40
Jesus traveled to Simon's house, to see his sick mother. He rebuked the fever and it left her. But, while He was there, those who were sick came to be healed. He laid his hands on each and everyone one of them, giving them a healing blessing.
Luke: 13:12-13
Here Jesus heals a woman on the Sabbath day who had been afflicted her whole life with a spine condition. Maybe muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy. He lays his hands on her and pronounces a blessing upon her and then has to contend with person who runs the synagogue.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Moses Blesses each of the Twelve Tribes of Israel
Priesthood blessings have been important as far back and can be found throughout recorded history. In Deuteronomy 33, Moses blesses each of the 12 Tribes of Israel:
Reuben (vs. 6)
Judah (vs. 7)
Levi (vs. 8)
Jacob/Israel (vs. 10)
Benjamin (vs. 12)
Joseph (vs. 13)
Ephraim/Manasseh (vs. 17)
Zebulun (vs. 18)
Gad (vs. 20)
Dan (vs. 22)
Naphtali (23)
Asher (24)
Pronouncing Death in a Folding Chair
"Please don't let it be another one of those," I say to myself as I pull out the folding chair. At least we have padded ones at home. I remember trying to get to Seminary early so that I could grab the ones with the red cushion. There were only a handful of them compared to the hordes of off-white hard plastic chairs every Church building seems to have an endless supply of. Thank heavens I don't have to make her sit in one of those.
It's a bit ironic that this is all going to take place in a folding chair. In this blessing I am supposed to use the Holy Ghost, to call upon the powers of heaven for the benefit of my wife. I wonder if Moses or Jesus would have used a folding chair. The laying on of hands to pronounce a blessing is big stuff. I know I need to use it more. Boyd K. Packer, one of the 12 apostles, has been clear that the men of the Church are failing to exercise the power of the priesthood, despite counting several million in our worldwide ranks.
The office chair Rachel normally sits in has more padding...kind of. Half of the foam from the seat is gone, right where your butt goes. It gets less and less comfortable every time I sit in it now, so I usually grab the padded black chair anyway. "Why did I offer to give her a blessing when I have no idea what I'm going to say?" I think to myself as I place the chair in the center of the room.
I remember when Bryan laid his hands on me to give me the Melchizedek Priesthood. I remember just a few weeks ago, after I had lost my job, Eli laying his hands on me to give me a blessing.
I remember the time I was asked to give a blessing to a dying man.
The seconds that precede a blessing are nerve-racking in most instances. As my hands moved towards the top of his head, I knew that I was to commend his Spirit to the next world. I fought the words that came into my head, pleading for inspiration on how to convey that Robert would be gone by morning...if not sooner. I talked about those who were waiting for him. HECK! The spirits waiting for him were right there in the room with us as I gave the blessing. I knew there was a chance Robert wouldn't make it. I really should have asked for advice before I headed to the hospital. I was afraid his wife would never talk to me again after I all but pronounced his death sentence. I wished I had been able to say that something amazing was going to happen or that I could tell him to "take up his bed and walk", but the words were not my own.
Here I am, back again, in the same situation. But this time, I am the husband, and this is my wife.
What am I going to say now? "Don't worry, your dead baby is all for the greater good." How about: "No biggie, I know you promised G_d another kid and all, but it's going to have to wait." The weight of the moment quietly bore down on my heart. I didn't even know what to do about the miscarriage myself. Emotionally, spiritually, practically...I had barely spoken to Rachel about it because I didn't know if it was "too soon". Do I hug her? Are we happy or sad? I mean, we didn't really want more kids to begin with. Is it wrong of me that I'm glad Rachel wont be a b*&%$ to me anymore? I know that sounds self-serving; but you didn't live with her for those 3 months. This wasn't like any of the other 4 pregnancies. Maybe that's it. Just maybe this was in the cards...
No, that sounds to trite...too contrived. We don't even believe in predestination. Maybe something was wrong with the baby and her body was efficient enough to terminate the fetus because it knew. She knew that something was wrong. It wasn't like the other pregnancies.
...More silence.
I wait.
I learned many years ago that the key to avoid speaking from yourself and saying something stupid was to wait. Wait until the words come...until the Holy Ghost speaks. I know that it sounds hokey. I know that it sounds far fetched and a it's a pill a little too hard to swallow. I wouldn't believe it either, if I didn't have to do it.
The words come, and it will be all right. The timing was wrong. It's not time for Rachel to have another baby. She has things that need to be finished. Work needs to be completed. The sacrifice was appreciated and there is no less love on account of things not working out. A few more lines of council were given and then...I opened my eyes and removed my hands.
...I stood back...waiting...watching her eyes. Did it work? Did she get her questions answered? Am I sleeping on the couch? Does she hate me that the baby really is gone and that she'll have to go through another pregnancy later? I wait and watch for a sign that all is well.
She looks into my eyes and tells me that it was nice to get her questions answered. She heard everything she needed. She thanks me and we go back to work.
That's what we do here at the Kelly house at night. We work. For months the work had come to a screeching halt. Instead of the sound of punched keys being heard long into the night, there was silence. Many books were read and movies watched...but the work...the work was missing. It had stopped. Everything had stopped. There was only anger, bitterness, and resentment. And now they are gone. Just like that. It is nice to finally have some answers, to frame some sort of perspective around the last 3 hard months of our life.
We don't spend too much more time thinking or talking about it. I pick up the folding chair, move it back behind my desk, put the music on, and sit down to work.
It's a bit ironic that this is all going to take place in a folding chair. In this blessing I am supposed to use the Holy Ghost, to call upon the powers of heaven for the benefit of my wife. I wonder if Moses or Jesus would have used a folding chair. The laying on of hands to pronounce a blessing is big stuff. I know I need to use it more. Boyd K. Packer, one of the 12 apostles, has been clear that the men of the Church are failing to exercise the power of the priesthood, despite counting several million in our worldwide ranks.
The office chair Rachel normally sits in has more padding...kind of. Half of the foam from the seat is gone, right where your butt goes. It gets less and less comfortable every time I sit in it now, so I usually grab the padded black chair anyway. "Why did I offer to give her a blessing when I have no idea what I'm going to say?" I think to myself as I place the chair in the center of the room.
I remember when Bryan laid his hands on me to give me the Melchizedek Priesthood. I remember just a few weeks ago, after I had lost my job, Eli laying his hands on me to give me a blessing.
I remember the time I was asked to give a blessing to a dying man.
The seconds that precede a blessing are nerve-racking in most instances. As my hands moved towards the top of his head, I knew that I was to commend his Spirit to the next world. I fought the words that came into my head, pleading for inspiration on how to convey that Robert would be gone by morning...if not sooner. I talked about those who were waiting for him. HECK! The spirits waiting for him were right there in the room with us as I gave the blessing. I knew there was a chance Robert wouldn't make it. I really should have asked for advice before I headed to the hospital. I was afraid his wife would never talk to me again after I all but pronounced his death sentence. I wished I had been able to say that something amazing was going to happen or that I could tell him to "take up his bed and walk", but the words were not my own.
Here I am, back again, in the same situation. But this time, I am the husband, and this is my wife.
What am I going to say now? "Don't worry, your dead baby is all for the greater good." How about: "No biggie, I know you promised G_d another kid and all, but it's going to have to wait." The weight of the moment quietly bore down on my heart. I didn't even know what to do about the miscarriage myself. Emotionally, spiritually, practically...I had barely spoken to Rachel about it because I didn't know if it was "too soon". Do I hug her? Are we happy or sad? I mean, we didn't really want more kids to begin with. Is it wrong of me that I'm glad Rachel wont be a b*&%$ to me anymore? I know that sounds self-serving; but you didn't live with her for those 3 months. This wasn't like any of the other 4 pregnancies. Maybe that's it. Just maybe this was in the cards...
No, that sounds to trite...too contrived. We don't even believe in predestination. Maybe something was wrong with the baby and her body was efficient enough to terminate the fetus because it knew. She knew that something was wrong. It wasn't like the other pregnancies.
...More silence.
I wait.
I learned many years ago that the key to avoid speaking from yourself and saying something stupid was to wait. Wait until the words come...until the Holy Ghost speaks. I know that it sounds hokey. I know that it sounds far fetched and a it's a pill a little too hard to swallow. I wouldn't believe it either, if I didn't have to do it.
The words come, and it will be all right. The timing was wrong. It's not time for Rachel to have another baby. She has things that need to be finished. Work needs to be completed. The sacrifice was appreciated and there is no less love on account of things not working out. A few more lines of council were given and then...I opened my eyes and removed my hands.
...I stood back...waiting...watching her eyes. Did it work? Did she get her questions answered? Am I sleeping on the couch? Does she hate me that the baby really is gone and that she'll have to go through another pregnancy later? I wait and watch for a sign that all is well.
She looks into my eyes and tells me that it was nice to get her questions answered. She heard everything she needed. She thanks me and we go back to work.
That's what we do here at the Kelly house at night. We work. For months the work had come to a screeching halt. Instead of the sound of punched keys being heard long into the night, there was silence. Many books were read and movies watched...but the work...the work was missing. It had stopped. Everything had stopped. There was only anger, bitterness, and resentment. And now they are gone. Just like that. It is nice to finally have some answers, to frame some sort of perspective around the last 3 hard months of our life.
We don't spend too much more time thinking or talking about it. I pick up the folding chair, move it back behind my desk, put the music on, and sit down to work.
I go to a Church in which it is "commonly understood" that we are to have families and make children.
It's not easy to do for everyone. There are all sorts of people who have a tough time in that culture if they don't have children. Some are single and others aren't able to have children. But the rarest of them all, is someone, a couple even, that doesn't want to have children.
You can almost say that we are that couple. We have never really been thrilled about having kids See "Baby Backstory" for more details. The goal was to have 4 kids, get them on a Mission and then home to be married. Then, Rachel made "The Deal"...
We had been barely making it financially for years. We own our own company and have been self employed for close to a decade. But the money it generates has never really been enough to live on. Some of the years were harder than others. When the stock market crashed in 2011 for the 2nd time in 10 years, it was time to do something other than what we were doing.
I saw an Episode of Mad Money from Williston, ND. Jim Cramer had 3 different CEOs on that all had the same message:
"If you will move to the Bakken, learn a new skill, and work out here; we will pay you $100,000 or more in a couple of years."
I don't know about you, but that statement resonated pretty darn well with me at the time. I was determined to do what I needed to in order to pull us out of this rut we had been in for years (thanks to one disaster after another on top of our student loans finally coming due). I can't remember now if "The Deal" was made with me knowing about it...or if I was told after the fact (I honestly can't remember how long after the fact it was if that was the case).
The deal is: If we are not broke all the time, Rachel would have more kids.
Wow...dang...not my favorite deal. I don't like the deal for many reasons:
1) I thought we were done having kids.
2) I can't stand the thought of an "odd" number of kids. We've had them in pairs, by design, and I love that each pair counts the other brother/sister as their closest friend in the world. What if Rachel is only willing to have 1 more?
3) How do I "hold Rachel to this deal"? I am a man, and therefor my "contribution to the process" of child bearing is minimal (and that's putting it politely). How do I "insist" she keep that deal (on account of who it was made with) without being a demanding husband who has to bear none of the consequences of keeping the deal for about a year.
4) I can't stand babies (again, see "Baby Backstory" for more details).
Well, after Keshet finally stopped breastfeeding, I wondered what my role was now.
Would we jump right into fulfilling our side of the deal?
Is it my "job" to remind Rachel of the deal she made?
How long is "acceptable" to wait once the deal CAN be fulfilled?
Normally, our kids have been 2 years apart. As the months ticked by I wondered if we were playing with fire. There are stories in the Hebrew Bible about folks who made deals with G_d and it didn't end well if you made a bad deal or broke your side of the deal. I wanted to avoid that fate myself.
So, after a few months past 2 went by, Rachel and I came up with a game plan to get her 1st Book out and then with Book 2 & 3 edited, we could start the process and Book 2 and maybe even 3 could be completed 100% before the child was born. Then she could take a break between Book 3 and 4 to get through the hardest part of having a new baby.
Like all of the previous "creation experiences", we were successful quite quickly and the pregnancy started.
Something wasn't right though.
In every single other birth I have prayed for two things:
1) The health of the baby to be well, free of disease and disorder.
2) The gender of the baby would be as I had planned my whole life.
I never really did either. And I was aware of it. On occasion I would feel terribly guilty when I remembered that I hadn't been praying for these things for weeks! We have 3 friends who are dealing with cancer and tumors right now. Two have children that have cancer/tumor and one is my brother's wife (cancer). My prayers have been dominated by those 3 people for months and months.
We fulfilled our end of the bargain and Rachel got pregnant. But something was wrong, very wrong. Rachel got distant and our relationship, which had been the best it had ever been at any point in the past 12 years quickly deteriorated.
Rachel hated me. I don't know if she really hated me, but she sure has never been a bigger B&*$% than she was during the pregnancy. She insisted that she had always been that way, but since she didn't have morning sickness, she must be able to focus on all the rage inside of her from being pregnant that she's able to point it directly at me.
It was hard, and I mean really hard. I felt the anger and the hate. All I wanted to do was to get the dumb pregnancy over. My concern about having an odd number of children was tossed out the door in favor of just trying to find a reason to stay married. At one point, after two weeks of absolutely no intimacy, and I mean of ANY kind: physical, emotional, spiritual...you name it...all gone; I started thinking about having an affair.
It seems like a bit much, don't you think? A pregnancy only lasts 9 months, so why jeopardize the past 12 years and millions more in the future over one 9 month period? Something was wrong, very wrong. My home teacher was out of town and I didn't want to let the thoughts that had been going through my mind come out my mouth because they sounded ridiculous. Why on earth would you cheat on your pregnant wife?
I say that I didn't really want to cheat on her, but if I'm honest with myself about the worst day in those 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I really wanted to. I wanted someone to love me and to treat me like I mattered, at nearly all costs.
So, I snapped, in a good way. I remembered back to the chapter in the 5 Love Languages at the very end, the one that talks about divorce. The advice the author gives the woman who tells him it's over and done is that if she wants any hope of saying the marriage, she has to speak her husband's love language without ever having any hope of being loved in return.
It's a tough road to hoe. Loving someone they way they want without being able to expect to hear your love language spoken back is a tough gig. What I decided to do was to clean up the kitchen every single night before I went to bed. When Rachel is pregnant, a lot of sleeping is involved. All sorts of things get thrown on the back burner in the interest of just making it through the next few months until the baby is born.
I would get off work 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 1am...didn't matter. No matter how tired I was or what was said (or unsaid) that day, I would clean the kitchen so that when Rachel came downstairs to get the kids ready for school, she wasn't already behind from yesterday's disaster. I also took over the cooking duties on Sunday. I made sure the kids had breakfast, lunch, & dinner (including snacks to Church) so that Rachel could relax.
After a few weeks, maybe 3, Rachel started smiling again. She expressed appreciation for my efforts and it felt like Rachel and I might just be OK. Finally, after magical Sunday night together (that's our 1 night a week that we don't work and we can be together and be intimate without worrying about deadlines, or the clock, or the needs of some child).
The next day she had a miscarriage.
She didn't say anything at first, but then the bleeding continued. I work 10-15 hours every day and often leave before everyone wakes up and come back when all the kids are asleep and Rachel is thinking about it pretty hard. So, it's easy to miss all sorts of things.
The next day she called me at work.
Rachel probably calls me 2 times a month...if that. So, when her ring tone went off, I instantly felt something was wrong. She explained the situation and told me she had an appointment for 2 days from then (in Williston, getting in to see a doctor isn't as easy as it is in other cities, even when it's serious). I felt terrible. Questions rushed through my mind:
Am I happy or sad?
Did I do this? (With Novan, Rachel and I found out we needed to be more careful towards the end of the pregnancy or WE will cause an early delivery).
Do we try again?
Will we get "penalized" in the deal Rachel made because it didn't work?
Do we try again?
How long can we have before we must/need to try again?
Why wasn't I praying for the baby every day like I usually do?
It's a hard thing to go through, not necessarily because we "lost the baby", but because all the questions I thought were answered were not only unanswered again, but even more complicated. I remembered thinking the week or two before...in my dark hour...that I wouldn't mind if the pregnancy fell apart on its own. I mean, if I didn't "do" anything to cause it, would it be my fault that I thought about it...maybe even wanted it?
I was pretty convinced that why my role in creating the baby was quite limited...my role in the miscarriage may have been much greater. How much can we "cause" by our thoughts? Is there really such a thing as a "prayer in your heart"? If so, I was pretty sure mine was heard without me ever uttering a word.
Obligation, duty, and sacrifice are 3 important principles of living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What I wanted to know at the end of all of this is what is my duty, how far does my obligation reach, and what exactly should I sacrifice to complete my obligation and duty?
I believe fully that we should ask "why". I do not believe we should ask "why me". We are told that we will never be given anything beyond what we can bear. So, the answer to "why me" is always the same: because you can handle it and I need to see you do it. It's part of the "test" of our mortal probation here on Earth. So asking it doesn't get us any closer to asking "why" is this happening.
In every disaster, there really is a silver lining. It, the disaster, is how we grow as human beings. It's how we progress and become like Jesus. It's how we become great, full of love, obedient, and happy. I was lost on the "why" until I got up the guts to ask Rachel if she needed/wanted a blessing.
That's a tough thing, giving a blessing. How do you "tell" a person you are "worthy" by offering one. It's almost like broadcasting that you think you are "holy". I don't mind being asked to give one at the drop of a hat, or in the middle of the night, but volunteering one is scary. I have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. It's scary because what if I reveal something terrible, like we can't have kids anymore. Then what happens to "the deal"? Do we "get in trouble"? What if I say that it's Rachel's disdain for the process that caused the baby to abort? I would want to smack myself if those words came out of my mouth.
The trick with a blessing is that it's not you speaking. And when something comes out that sounds like what you really wanted to hear, how do you know that wasn't you just "manifesting" something you really want, rather than inspiration? In a way, giving a blessing is a terrifying thing. You simply just never know. The only way to be prepared to give one is to live in a way that you are prepared to give you. It's also important to ask if one is needed as much as it is important to be "ready" to give one when the call comes.
Needless to say, the blessing went well and Rachel started receiving answers immediately. Just today she was able to complete all the pieces of the puzzle and knows EXACTLY when we will try again to have children. It sure was scary to make the offer, but the revelation that has come to us as a result has been nothing short of miraculous.
So, husbands, here is what I gleaned from my adventure that I hope to be of help to you one day:
1) When you start to really dislike you wife, or feel unloved; find a way to serve her every day.
2) Ask the question. You will never be able to dispel the terrible thoughts you have cooked up in your head until you ask the question of her and get the answer. Believe me, the truth is rarely as terrible as you imagine.
3) When you are being treated like dirt, there is a good possibility it's because she feels like dirt, and not because you are.
4) Regular and lengthy massages go a long way to easing tension, and not just the kind in her muscles on her body. It can also ease your relationship tension.
5) It is nearly impossible to hate someone you are intimate with. Find ways to touch her (hand, gentle kiss, brush her hair) that help to take down her guard. When the opportunity presents (as long as it can be done without risk to mom/child) find time, even if you schedule it, to be intimate with each other. The vulnerability that comes from these moments can often open the door for conversation that is equally as vulnerable.
6) It's not always about you. Sometimes she's in a bad mood because she is struggling with things. Do what you can to take things off her plate that you can do (dishes, dinner, laundry, etc.) and she can focus on what she needs to feel better.
Rachel was really honest about her feelings during the pregnancy. Depression is a very real struggle. I know my own mother didn't have more than 2 kids because she struggled with depression so deeply with my brother & I that my parents decided against any more kids to protect my Mom. This is a very real thing and we can do a lot as husbands to be open and aware to how our wives are hurting.
Sometimes you can't put a finger on what's wrong. Find ways to serve and moments will be provided where you can talk and learn more. I'm grateful to Rachel for sharing her side of it. Talking has always been the thing with us that has made everything "all better". See if it works for you.
It's not easy to do for everyone. There are all sorts of people who have a tough time in that culture if they don't have children. Some are single and others aren't able to have children. But the rarest of them all, is someone, a couple even, that doesn't want to have children.
You can almost say that we are that couple. We have never really been thrilled about having kids See "Baby Backstory" for more details. The goal was to have 4 kids, get them on a Mission and then home to be married. Then, Rachel made "The Deal"...
We had been barely making it financially for years. We own our own company and have been self employed for close to a decade. But the money it generates has never really been enough to live on. Some of the years were harder than others. When the stock market crashed in 2011 for the 2nd time in 10 years, it was time to do something other than what we were doing.
I saw an Episode of Mad Money from Williston, ND. Jim Cramer had 3 different CEOs on that all had the same message:
"If you will move to the Bakken, learn a new skill, and work out here; we will pay you $100,000 or more in a couple of years."
I don't know about you, but that statement resonated pretty darn well with me at the time. I was determined to do what I needed to in order to pull us out of this rut we had been in for years (thanks to one disaster after another on top of our student loans finally coming due). I can't remember now if "The Deal" was made with me knowing about it...or if I was told after the fact (I honestly can't remember how long after the fact it was if that was the case).
The deal is: If we are not broke all the time, Rachel would have more kids.
Wow...dang...not my favorite deal. I don't like the deal for many reasons:
1) I thought we were done having kids.
2) I can't stand the thought of an "odd" number of kids. We've had them in pairs, by design, and I love that each pair counts the other brother/sister as their closest friend in the world. What if Rachel is only willing to have 1 more?
3) How do I "hold Rachel to this deal"? I am a man, and therefor my "contribution to the process" of child bearing is minimal (and that's putting it politely). How do I "insist" she keep that deal (on account of who it was made with) without being a demanding husband who has to bear none of the consequences of keeping the deal for about a year.
4) I can't stand babies (again, see "Baby Backstory" for more details).
Well, after Keshet finally stopped breastfeeding, I wondered what my role was now.
Would we jump right into fulfilling our side of the deal?
Is it my "job" to remind Rachel of the deal she made?
How long is "acceptable" to wait once the deal CAN be fulfilled?
Normally, our kids have been 2 years apart. As the months ticked by I wondered if we were playing with fire. There are stories in the Hebrew Bible about folks who made deals with G_d and it didn't end well if you made a bad deal or broke your side of the deal. I wanted to avoid that fate myself.
So, after a few months past 2 went by, Rachel and I came up with a game plan to get her 1st Book out and then with Book 2 & 3 edited, we could start the process and Book 2 and maybe even 3 could be completed 100% before the child was born. Then she could take a break between Book 3 and 4 to get through the hardest part of having a new baby.
Like all of the previous "creation experiences", we were successful quite quickly and the pregnancy started.
Something wasn't right though.
In every single other birth I have prayed for two things:
1) The health of the baby to be well, free of disease and disorder.
2) The gender of the baby would be as I had planned my whole life.
I never really did either. And I was aware of it. On occasion I would feel terribly guilty when I remembered that I hadn't been praying for these things for weeks! We have 3 friends who are dealing with cancer and tumors right now. Two have children that have cancer/tumor and one is my brother's wife (cancer). My prayers have been dominated by those 3 people for months and months.
We fulfilled our end of the bargain and Rachel got pregnant. But something was wrong, very wrong. Rachel got distant and our relationship, which had been the best it had ever been at any point in the past 12 years quickly deteriorated.
Rachel hated me. I don't know if she really hated me, but she sure has never been a bigger B&*$% than she was during the pregnancy. She insisted that she had always been that way, but since she didn't have morning sickness, she must be able to focus on all the rage inside of her from being pregnant that she's able to point it directly at me.
It was hard, and I mean really hard. I felt the anger and the hate. All I wanted to do was to get the dumb pregnancy over. My concern about having an odd number of children was tossed out the door in favor of just trying to find a reason to stay married. At one point, after two weeks of absolutely no intimacy, and I mean of ANY kind: physical, emotional, spiritual...you name it...all gone; I started thinking about having an affair.
It seems like a bit much, don't you think? A pregnancy only lasts 9 months, so why jeopardize the past 12 years and millions more in the future over one 9 month period? Something was wrong, very wrong. My home teacher was out of town and I didn't want to let the thoughts that had been going through my mind come out my mouth because they sounded ridiculous. Why on earth would you cheat on your pregnant wife?
I say that I didn't really want to cheat on her, but if I'm honest with myself about the worst day in those 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I really wanted to. I wanted someone to love me and to treat me like I mattered, at nearly all costs.
So, I snapped, in a good way. I remembered back to the chapter in the 5 Love Languages at the very end, the one that talks about divorce. The advice the author gives the woman who tells him it's over and done is that if she wants any hope of saying the marriage, she has to speak her husband's love language without ever having any hope of being loved in return.
It's a tough road to hoe. Loving someone they way they want without being able to expect to hear your love language spoken back is a tough gig. What I decided to do was to clean up the kitchen every single night before I went to bed. When Rachel is pregnant, a lot of sleeping is involved. All sorts of things get thrown on the back burner in the interest of just making it through the next few months until the baby is born.
I would get off work 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 1am...didn't matter. No matter how tired I was or what was said (or unsaid) that day, I would clean the kitchen so that when Rachel came downstairs to get the kids ready for school, she wasn't already behind from yesterday's disaster. I also took over the cooking duties on Sunday. I made sure the kids had breakfast, lunch, & dinner (including snacks to Church) so that Rachel could relax.
After a few weeks, maybe 3, Rachel started smiling again. She expressed appreciation for my efforts and it felt like Rachel and I might just be OK. Finally, after magical Sunday night together (that's our 1 night a week that we don't work and we can be together and be intimate without worrying about deadlines, or the clock, or the needs of some child).
The next day she had a miscarriage.
She didn't say anything at first, but then the bleeding continued. I work 10-15 hours every day and often leave before everyone wakes up and come back when all the kids are asleep and Rachel is thinking about it pretty hard. So, it's easy to miss all sorts of things.
The next day she called me at work.
Rachel probably calls me 2 times a month...if that. So, when her ring tone went off, I instantly felt something was wrong. She explained the situation and told me she had an appointment for 2 days from then (in Williston, getting in to see a doctor isn't as easy as it is in other cities, even when it's serious). I felt terrible. Questions rushed through my mind:
Am I happy or sad?
Did I do this? (With Novan, Rachel and I found out we needed to be more careful towards the end of the pregnancy or WE will cause an early delivery).
Do we try again?
Will we get "penalized" in the deal Rachel made because it didn't work?
Do we try again?
How long can we have before we must/need to try again?
Why wasn't I praying for the baby every day like I usually do?
It's a hard thing to go through, not necessarily because we "lost the baby", but because all the questions I thought were answered were not only unanswered again, but even more complicated. I remembered thinking the week or two before...in my dark hour...that I wouldn't mind if the pregnancy fell apart on its own. I mean, if I didn't "do" anything to cause it, would it be my fault that I thought about it...maybe even wanted it?
I was pretty convinced that why my role in creating the baby was quite limited...my role in the miscarriage may have been much greater. How much can we "cause" by our thoughts? Is there really such a thing as a "prayer in your heart"? If so, I was pretty sure mine was heard without me ever uttering a word.
Obligation, duty, and sacrifice are 3 important principles of living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What I wanted to know at the end of all of this is what is my duty, how far does my obligation reach, and what exactly should I sacrifice to complete my obligation and duty?
I believe fully that we should ask "why". I do not believe we should ask "why me". We are told that we will never be given anything beyond what we can bear. So, the answer to "why me" is always the same: because you can handle it and I need to see you do it. It's part of the "test" of our mortal probation here on Earth. So asking it doesn't get us any closer to asking "why" is this happening.
In every disaster, there really is a silver lining. It, the disaster, is how we grow as human beings. It's how we progress and become like Jesus. It's how we become great, full of love, obedient, and happy. I was lost on the "why" until I got up the guts to ask Rachel if she needed/wanted a blessing.
That's a tough thing, giving a blessing. How do you "tell" a person you are "worthy" by offering one. It's almost like broadcasting that you think you are "holy". I don't mind being asked to give one at the drop of a hat, or in the middle of the night, but volunteering one is scary. I have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. It's scary because what if I reveal something terrible, like we can't have kids anymore. Then what happens to "the deal"? Do we "get in trouble"? What if I say that it's Rachel's disdain for the process that caused the baby to abort? I would want to smack myself if those words came out of my mouth.
The trick with a blessing is that it's not you speaking. And when something comes out that sounds like what you really wanted to hear, how do you know that wasn't you just "manifesting" something you really want, rather than inspiration? In a way, giving a blessing is a terrifying thing. You simply just never know. The only way to be prepared to give one is to live in a way that you are prepared to give you. It's also important to ask if one is needed as much as it is important to be "ready" to give one when the call comes.
Needless to say, the blessing went well and Rachel started receiving answers immediately. Just today she was able to complete all the pieces of the puzzle and knows EXACTLY when we will try again to have children. It sure was scary to make the offer, but the revelation that has come to us as a result has been nothing short of miraculous.
So, husbands, here is what I gleaned from my adventure that I hope to be of help to you one day:
1) When you start to really dislike you wife, or feel unloved; find a way to serve her every day.
2) Ask the question. You will never be able to dispel the terrible thoughts you have cooked up in your head until you ask the question of her and get the answer. Believe me, the truth is rarely as terrible as you imagine.
3) When you are being treated like dirt, there is a good possibility it's because she feels like dirt, and not because you are.
4) Regular and lengthy massages go a long way to easing tension, and not just the kind in her muscles on her body. It can also ease your relationship tension.
5) It is nearly impossible to hate someone you are intimate with. Find ways to touch her (hand, gentle kiss, brush her hair) that help to take down her guard. When the opportunity presents (as long as it can be done without risk to mom/child) find time, even if you schedule it, to be intimate with each other. The vulnerability that comes from these moments can often open the door for conversation that is equally as vulnerable.
6) It's not always about you. Sometimes she's in a bad mood because she is struggling with things. Do what you can to take things off her plate that you can do (dishes, dinner, laundry, etc.) and she can focus on what she needs to feel better.
Rachel was really honest about her feelings during the pregnancy. Depression is a very real struggle. I know my own mother didn't have more than 2 kids because she struggled with depression so deeply with my brother & I that my parents decided against any more kids to protect my Mom. This is a very real thing and we can do a lot as husbands to be open and aware to how our wives are hurting.
Sometimes you can't put a finger on what's wrong. Find ways to serve and moments will be provided where you can talk and learn more. I'm grateful to Rachel for sharing her side of it. Talking has always been the thing with us that has made everything "all better". See if it works for you.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Baby Backstory
Babies. I don't like them. I really don't like them. In our family (that being my wife and my 4 kids), we believe in breast feeding. It is what breasts are for (at least until age 40 or so). The sexualization or over-sexualization of the female breast is a whole other blog post. In fact, you should probably check out Britta Foster on that topic if you want to learn more (Britta's Blog). Bottom line on babies, since I can't do the breast feeding...I'm not a whole lot of help for the first 6-9 months.
I'll be even more honest, until the baby is mobile I don't really want anything to do with the baby. My wife can calm any crying baby by nursing it. I've seen it happen with 4 children. I SERIOUSLY lack that tool in the tool bag. I've found that until I can talk with and interact with my children, I have a hard time forming a real and lasting attachment. I am honestly worried I will do something stupid like drop the baby, drop something on the baby, or something I can't even imagine to hurt, injure, or kill the baby. In fact, when a baby is born, the LAST thing I want to do is hold the baby! Are you kidding, my wife just went through 9 months of misery and the 1st thing you want me to do is take a shot at ruining it?!?
I love teenagers. I can talk with, hang out with, and teach them all day long (and every day of the week); but babies worry me to no end. I pray that no one ever asks me if their baby is cute. Oh, please, if you are reading this, NEVER ask me about that! It bugs me that all a crawling baby wants to do is wiggle out of your arms, crawl for a minute, and then wine & cry until you pick them up. They then repeat that over and over for hours. I know guys at Church who will take babies they see to class and hold them. I am NOT that guy.
When we had our 1st child, it was after 3 years of being married without having any kids. We decided that life had been a little too easy, like being on cruise control. So, you take some obligation, a little bit of guilt for being D.I.N.K.s, and living in a "baby making culture" and we started having kids.
We have come a long way from those days. We have 4 kids and they are all awesome in their own way. Some are like me and some are like Rachel. Most of them are a mix-and-match with characteristics that are derived from both parents. We love and adore our kids.
I still never ask to hold anyone's baby, but I will volunteer to watch kids when the need arises because I've successfully kept 4 of them alive for over 8 years now (well, I've kept at least 1 alive for 8 years and now I can hang out with all 4 no problems). We have come a long way in how we teach and raise our children. I love when I am able to spend time with them.
BUT, the focus has always been to have 4 kids as quickly as we could (once we started) and then get them all on a Mission for our Church and then off to college where they can get married and move out.
That was the plan, until Rachel made a deal with the Folks Upstairs.
I'll be even more honest, until the baby is mobile I don't really want anything to do with the baby. My wife can calm any crying baby by nursing it. I've seen it happen with 4 children. I SERIOUSLY lack that tool in the tool bag. I've found that until I can talk with and interact with my children, I have a hard time forming a real and lasting attachment. I am honestly worried I will do something stupid like drop the baby, drop something on the baby, or something I can't even imagine to hurt, injure, or kill the baby. In fact, when a baby is born, the LAST thing I want to do is hold the baby! Are you kidding, my wife just went through 9 months of misery and the 1st thing you want me to do is take a shot at ruining it?!?
I love teenagers. I can talk with, hang out with, and teach them all day long (and every day of the week); but babies worry me to no end. I pray that no one ever asks me if their baby is cute. Oh, please, if you are reading this, NEVER ask me about that! It bugs me that all a crawling baby wants to do is wiggle out of your arms, crawl for a minute, and then wine & cry until you pick them up. They then repeat that over and over for hours. I know guys at Church who will take babies they see to class and hold them. I am NOT that guy.
When we had our 1st child, it was after 3 years of being married without having any kids. We decided that life had been a little too easy, like being on cruise control. So, you take some obligation, a little bit of guilt for being D.I.N.K.s, and living in a "baby making culture" and we started having kids.
We have come a long way from those days. We have 4 kids and they are all awesome in their own way. Some are like me and some are like Rachel. Most of them are a mix-and-match with characteristics that are derived from both parents. We love and adore our kids.
I still never ask to hold anyone's baby, but I will volunteer to watch kids when the need arises because I've successfully kept 4 of them alive for over 8 years now (well, I've kept at least 1 alive for 8 years and now I can hang out with all 4 no problems). We have come a long way in how we teach and raise our children. I love when I am able to spend time with them.
BUT, the focus has always been to have 4 kids as quickly as we could (once we started) and then get them all on a Mission for our Church and then off to college where they can get married and move out.
That was the plan, until Rachel made a deal with the Folks Upstairs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)