I am Brad Kelly and I am unofficially on the LDS Border Patrol.
We are a "Missionary Church" and so new people constantly come on Sunday to "investigate" the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to see if it's for them. We are one of only 2 churches on the Earth that claims to be "THE" Church. It's us and the Catholics who claim apostolic descent from different points in history.
But, being on the border means that I also see people leave. Up until recently, I've seen this only from the distance. But in the last year or so it's become pretty personal. I have had 6 people I really care about decide not to come back to Church or call themselves LDS anymore. This doesn't include the people I've known over the years who have left.
As a convert myself, and someone who choose to become a Latter-day Saint, I am making it my mission in life to find out why folks are leaving and what I can do personally to do a better job making people feel like a welcomed part of my church family.
Everyone I know personally that has "left the Church" has been born into it. They have all been raised LDS and have decided to leave a various points in their adult life.
It makes a lot of sense that most of the people that are leaving are "born into the Church". They didn't choose it and in varying degrees were "forced" into being a member. I suppose you can say that when they realized "it wasn't for them", they simply left and went elsewhere.
But, what I have found is that most of these folks didn't leave and go find the church that was right for them...they have left religion all together. It's not that they said this church isn't right for me, they said that organized religion isn't right for me. I don't have all the answers right now, but I'd sure like to.
I am an analytical guy. One of my favorite things is to say that "Numbers don't lie, people do." For me, the exercise of selecting a church was done over a process of attending many over a period of 5 years, lots of data, and plenty of testing. In the end, I'm really a religious pluralist. I may be a Latter-day Saint, but I attend religious services of other denominations every year. I regularly subscribe to beliefs held by the Eastern Religious Traditions and we treat nearly everything in my family we can with holistic, non-western medicine. I keep as close to a Kosher diet as I can. I side with atheists on all sorts of critiques of G_d and Religion in general. But for me, I took Gordon B. Hinkley seriously when he said: "Bring what you have and see if we can add to it." His statement was in reference to people of other faiths coming to investigate the Church to see if anything could be added to their existing religious beliefs.
Somehow, for many others, more and more people I know, the math isn't adding up. Instead of adding, they are choosing to leave everything behind and live their life without religion. For everyone reading this post, if you have ever joined or left a religion, I'd like to know why you did.
I am not out to convince anyone of anything. It's certainly a personal decision when it comes to matters of faith. Consider me a social scientist collecting data if you will. Consider me a concerned friend. It's clear that the American Church in general is failing it's people. There is a new movement to add a business to the Church in an effort to get people in the doors and then hopefully be able to provide them more than a school or a coffee shop.
At the end of the day, I'd like to think what you believe would be the determining factor for choosing a religion. But, I'm only one man, with a very peculiar way of doing things.
I'd really like to hear your story. Please respond to the post if you don't mind sharing or email me at NeonDion34@gmail.com. Please indicate if it's OK that I ask you follow-up questions or not. I'd really like to be able to push back a little...to poke or prod to uncover a few things. But, I will be grateful for your story either way.
Please do tell.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Sunday, May 4, 2014
12 Years of Bliss
I just had my 12 year wedding anniversary.
You know what I realized yesterday as I thought about where I am at in my life right now?
I am different. Really different.
I listen to things like Trap & Bass, Indie Pop, Dream Pop, Folktronica, Synthpop, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Jazz, Indie Rock, Space Rock, Electronic Rock, Industrial Metal, Trance, and Dubstep.
I own 4 pairs of jeans. To put that into context, prior to our trip to NYC, I had purchased one pair of Sean Jean jeans in the past 15 years. That's what I owned, 1 pair of jeans.
I now prefer a pile of vegetables to a pile of cheese (probably the hardest thing in my life to avoid).
I eat more vegetables than I knew existed 20 years ago.
I eat green leafs like Kale & Arugula.
The other day when I checked out at the grocery store, I had to teach my cashier what 5 of the vegetables even were so that she could ring me up.
I no longer to into "attack mode" when I ask questions.
I "reserve the right to be wrong" rather than insist that "I am always right".
I ask questions first and form opinions later.
I cook, do laundry, and grocery shop for our family on a very regular basis.
I buy nearly 100% of the clothes Rachel owns.
I watch a sports game maybe once a month.
We have family home evening every week.
I give Rachel weekly massages (more often when time allows).
I speak all 5 Love Languages to Rachel.
Rachel has forced me to answer questions about the Universe that I frankly didn't care about before.
Rachel has helped me sort out social issues, gender issues, and I posses a metaphysics that would shame my "former self" who I thought "had it together".
I am at least 158% of the man I used to be. I immensely proud of the man I am today. I am proud of the marriage Rachel and I have together. It is the most amazing thing on this Earth.
I owe the man I am today to the refining fire of marriage. Rachel has stuck by me, taught me patiently, and answered my questions on how to improve even more patiently. I am grateful for the opportunity I have each year to reflect on it each anniversary. There will be many more of them and I can't wait to see where I am as a person when we get there.
You know what I realized yesterday as I thought about where I am at in my life right now?
I am different. Really different.
I listen to things like Trap & Bass, Indie Pop, Dream Pop, Folktronica, Synthpop, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Jazz, Indie Rock, Space Rock, Electronic Rock, Industrial Metal, Trance, and Dubstep.
I own 4 pairs of jeans. To put that into context, prior to our trip to NYC, I had purchased one pair of Sean Jean jeans in the past 15 years. That's what I owned, 1 pair of jeans.
I now prefer a pile of vegetables to a pile of cheese (probably the hardest thing in my life to avoid).
I eat more vegetables than I knew existed 20 years ago.
I eat green leafs like Kale & Arugula.
The other day when I checked out at the grocery store, I had to teach my cashier what 5 of the vegetables even were so that she could ring me up.
I no longer to into "attack mode" when I ask questions.
I "reserve the right to be wrong" rather than insist that "I am always right".
I ask questions first and form opinions later.
I cook, do laundry, and grocery shop for our family on a very regular basis.
I buy nearly 100% of the clothes Rachel owns.
I watch a sports game maybe once a month.
We have family home evening every week.
I give Rachel weekly massages (more often when time allows).
I speak all 5 Love Languages to Rachel.
Rachel has forced me to answer questions about the Universe that I frankly didn't care about before.
Rachel has helped me sort out social issues, gender issues, and I posses a metaphysics that would shame my "former self" who I thought "had it together".
I am at least 158% of the man I used to be. I immensely proud of the man I am today. I am proud of the marriage Rachel and I have together. It is the most amazing thing on this Earth.
I owe the man I am today to the refining fire of marriage. Rachel has stuck by me, taught me patiently, and answered my questions on how to improve even more patiently. I am grateful for the opportunity I have each year to reflect on it each anniversary. There will be many more of them and I can't wait to see where I am as a person when we get there.
My Wife Will Rip My Clothes Off...soon!
"It's Just 25 Minutes a Day." "Just do the best that you can do." "It's just...a inch." "You need to FOCUS." Those are just a few of the fun catch phrases from our new project we have going on over here in our home. Rachel and I are working out. We have done it a few times in the past. We had one magical year back in California, right before the stock market blew up and sent our life into a tailspin, in which we made over $100,000 and we had the time to go to the gym every day once I was done for the day. Our monthly fee (which was subsidized by the company I worked for) provided childcare for SUPER cheap. I mean like $15 a month for 1.5 hours every day.
Thank heavens for the "at home gym revolution" in which programs like P90X, T25, and TurboFire made it so that you could pay one fee and then workout from home for as long you want. Without having to a gym, childcare wasn't necessary. Now that I type it out, programs like T25 actually save people a ton of money.
Why all the focus on working out and meals lately? (I'm sure you've seen my Facebook Page.)
It started last summer. I was trying to figure out how to improve. I usually grill Rachel with several questions about what I am doing well, poorly, too much, or not at all. Then I figure out the next thing I can work on to be better.
This time, I didn't have to ask any questions. I watch a lot of movies. That's probably an understatement even for me. I am in the phase of entering thousands of new parts into our system at work and the process is quite tedious. It's the same things over and over: description, cost, sale price, inventory level, reorder point, and preferred vendor...and repeat...and repeat...and repeat.
So, in order to stay up long nights and keep motivated, I watch movies so that my brain has something to process while my fingers are typing. It's a function of my ADHD.
One common theme in these movies is the scene where the couple falls in love, and they want to get physical. The woman thinks the man is so hot, that she rips, yanks, pulls, and tears (in extreme cases) his clothes off until they are naked and can proceed to do what married people do (have great sex).
I had to be honest with myself: Rachel has never ripped my clothes off...or wanted to. I don't blame her. This isn't one of those: "Your wife should like you more man, it's not you, it's her." This isn't something Rachel lacks. It's not her, it IS me. I have never given her a body worth ripping my clothes off to get to. Even after 4 years of college football I wasn't in "rip my clothes off shape".
I don't believe in being a victim. If I don't have something in my life, then I work on it until I have it. That isn't to say that no one ever gets taken advantage of. There are real victims. But I have found that most marriages aren't what people want them to be because they play the victim, rather than talk to their spouse about how and what they want to be different.
I started asking Rachel questions about her not really ever wanting to rip my clothes off and figured out there just wasn't much under the clothes worth getting to.
That doesn't mean we haven't had a fulfilling sex life. We have sex on a regular basis and it's come a long way from where we started. We do things we've added to it that we didn't do 12 years ago when we were married. We are more comfortable with each other than we ever were in the 1st 10 years of our marriage.
For you married folks out there that really do want to improve, I highly recommend going to a couples massage sometime when you can schedule some time. Then, once you both have a good idea of what a great massage looks and feels like, you can have couples massage weekly! Rachel and I have made it a priority every Sunday night, for at least a year, to give a great massage. She gets one every single Sunday and I get one when I really want one. I used to whine and complain about giving a massage. Turns out I was trying to play the victim: "My hands hurt if I do it for too long." "I never get a massage." "I never know what to do."
Blah, blah, blah. I had excuse after excuse. The bottom line: I wasn't committed to giving Rachel the experience she deserved, and so I didn't. When I "grew up" and got over it, the intimate portion of our marriage has grown and developed by leaps and bounds in the last 2 years. Who knew that when she was happy and fulfilled, I would be too.
Something to consider for married couples who have "lost the spark". That's the line I hear repeatedly in movies when one spouse decides to either cheat on or leave the other. Don't let it happen to you. Is that like saying: "If my spouse cheats on me, it's my fault." Yeah, it kind of is. And I'm willing to say that.
Like I said, there are real victims. People who do everything in their power and their spouse is either unfaithful, emotionally neglecting, etc. But if you have an amazing marriage, why on earth would they look elsewhere?
Make today the day you decide to have an amazing marriage. It might mean that you have to ask some questions you don't want to hear the answer to...but hey, that's how you are going to get where you want to go.
I promise you it's worth it. A few hours or days of uncomfortable conversation will get you amazing results. I guarantee it.
The other night, when we were having dinner, Rachel asked if I could eat dinner with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I said "sure". "I may even let you rip it off yourself." I might not have much to look at under my shirt now...but I will. And Rachel will want to rip my shirt off to get to it!
Thank heavens for the "at home gym revolution" in which programs like P90X, T25, and TurboFire made it so that you could pay one fee and then workout from home for as long you want. Without having to a gym, childcare wasn't necessary. Now that I type it out, programs like T25 actually save people a ton of money.
Why all the focus on working out and meals lately? (I'm sure you've seen my Facebook Page.)
It started last summer. I was trying to figure out how to improve. I usually grill Rachel with several questions about what I am doing well, poorly, too much, or not at all. Then I figure out the next thing I can work on to be better.
This time, I didn't have to ask any questions. I watch a lot of movies. That's probably an understatement even for me. I am in the phase of entering thousands of new parts into our system at work and the process is quite tedious. It's the same things over and over: description, cost, sale price, inventory level, reorder point, and preferred vendor...and repeat...and repeat...and repeat.
So, in order to stay up long nights and keep motivated, I watch movies so that my brain has something to process while my fingers are typing. It's a function of my ADHD.
One common theme in these movies is the scene where the couple falls in love, and they want to get physical. The woman thinks the man is so hot, that she rips, yanks, pulls, and tears (in extreme cases) his clothes off until they are naked and can proceed to do what married people do (have great sex).
I had to be honest with myself: Rachel has never ripped my clothes off...or wanted to. I don't blame her. This isn't one of those: "Your wife should like you more man, it's not you, it's her." This isn't something Rachel lacks. It's not her, it IS me. I have never given her a body worth ripping my clothes off to get to. Even after 4 years of college football I wasn't in "rip my clothes off shape".
I don't believe in being a victim. If I don't have something in my life, then I work on it until I have it. That isn't to say that no one ever gets taken advantage of. There are real victims. But I have found that most marriages aren't what people want them to be because they play the victim, rather than talk to their spouse about how and what they want to be different.
I started asking Rachel questions about her not really ever wanting to rip my clothes off and figured out there just wasn't much under the clothes worth getting to.
That doesn't mean we haven't had a fulfilling sex life. We have sex on a regular basis and it's come a long way from where we started. We do things we've added to it that we didn't do 12 years ago when we were married. We are more comfortable with each other than we ever were in the 1st 10 years of our marriage.
For you married folks out there that really do want to improve, I highly recommend going to a couples massage sometime when you can schedule some time. Then, once you both have a good idea of what a great massage looks and feels like, you can have couples massage weekly! Rachel and I have made it a priority every Sunday night, for at least a year, to give a great massage. She gets one every single Sunday and I get one when I really want one. I used to whine and complain about giving a massage. Turns out I was trying to play the victim: "My hands hurt if I do it for too long." "I never get a massage." "I never know what to do."
Blah, blah, blah. I had excuse after excuse. The bottom line: I wasn't committed to giving Rachel the experience she deserved, and so I didn't. When I "grew up" and got over it, the intimate portion of our marriage has grown and developed by leaps and bounds in the last 2 years. Who knew that when she was happy and fulfilled, I would be too.
Something to consider for married couples who have "lost the spark". That's the line I hear repeatedly in movies when one spouse decides to either cheat on or leave the other. Don't let it happen to you. Is that like saying: "If my spouse cheats on me, it's my fault." Yeah, it kind of is. And I'm willing to say that.
Like I said, there are real victims. People who do everything in their power and their spouse is either unfaithful, emotionally neglecting, etc. But if you have an amazing marriage, why on earth would they look elsewhere?
Make today the day you decide to have an amazing marriage. It might mean that you have to ask some questions you don't want to hear the answer to...but hey, that's how you are going to get where you want to go.
I promise you it's worth it. A few hours or days of uncomfortable conversation will get you amazing results. I guarantee it.
The other night, when we were having dinner, Rachel asked if I could eat dinner with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I said "sure". "I may even let you rip it off yourself." I might not have much to look at under my shirt now...but I will. And Rachel will want to rip my shirt off to get to it!
How my ADHD Works.
So, in order to stay up long nights and keep motivated, I watch
movies so that my brain has something to process while my fingers are
typing. I realize my experience is unique (not completely and
totally...but pretty rare) due to my ADHD. I actually heard that they
"officially" dropped the "H" from ADHD and now you are either ADD or
not. How dumb. The "H" for hyperactivity along with the "attention
deficit" is what gives me my superpower. They say that ADD means you
can't focus on anyone thing because your brain processes too much
outside stimulus all at once. It's like turning on 10 televisions at
once and asking you to focus on the one in front of you. Most "normal"
people can't do that anyway...but if you have ADD, your whole life is
like that: 10 televisions on all the time.
You know what I discovered? My "H" (hyperactivity) allowed me to have the energy to FOCUS ON ALL 10 TELEVISIONS AT THE SAME TIME! That's right, while you can only watch 1 or 2, my brain can "monitor" what is going on with all 10 televisions at the same time and bring the most relevant information to the "front" of my mind for processing. I work through things quickly, completing the easiest tasks first so that I can save more complex tasks for later. It allows me to then focus on the 2 or 3 remaining televisions that are on once I've completed the 5 or 6 easy things quickly (remember the hyperactivity).
Eventually, when all other stimuli have been removed (the "televisions" get turned off as I complete each task) I am able to focus on large/long complex tasks without being distracted by all the other little things that "need to be done"...since they are all complete.
That's the big problem with "treating" ADHD. Doctors want to focus on using drugs to "eliminate stimulus artificially". If the person with ADD/ADHD improved the processes and procedures by which they completed tasks, they could eliminate their own distracting stimulus by completing those tasks one by one until they only have large complex tasks left. THAT is how you treat ADHD: teach the person how to get and stay organized. No drugs are required.
I learned this about myself around 16/17 and now I have perfected the process. Every now and then there is simply too much to do and it's necessary to go to bed and then wake up when your mind is fresh and clear. That makes it easier to prioritize, when you are able to add things to your plate in the order you'd like to complete them.
Sometimes you have to just take a night off even when you don't want to because having fun will relax you and then rejuvenate your body so that you can "get back into it" the next day.
You know what I discovered? My "H" (hyperactivity) allowed me to have the energy to FOCUS ON ALL 10 TELEVISIONS AT THE SAME TIME! That's right, while you can only watch 1 or 2, my brain can "monitor" what is going on with all 10 televisions at the same time and bring the most relevant information to the "front" of my mind for processing. I work through things quickly, completing the easiest tasks first so that I can save more complex tasks for later. It allows me to then focus on the 2 or 3 remaining televisions that are on once I've completed the 5 or 6 easy things quickly (remember the hyperactivity).
Eventually, when all other stimuli have been removed (the "televisions" get turned off as I complete each task) I am able to focus on large/long complex tasks without being distracted by all the other little things that "need to be done"...since they are all complete.
That's the big problem with "treating" ADHD. Doctors want to focus on using drugs to "eliminate stimulus artificially". If the person with ADD/ADHD improved the processes and procedures by which they completed tasks, they could eliminate their own distracting stimulus by completing those tasks one by one until they only have large complex tasks left. THAT is how you treat ADHD: teach the person how to get and stay organized. No drugs are required.
I learned this about myself around 16/17 and now I have perfected the process. Every now and then there is simply too much to do and it's necessary to go to bed and then wake up when your mind is fresh and clear. That makes it easier to prioritize, when you are able to add things to your plate in the order you'd like to complete them.
Sometimes you have to just take a night off even when you don't want to because having fun will relax you and then rejuvenate your body so that you can "get back into it" the next day.
Damn I look good...and you can thank my wife for it!
145. YUUUUUUP! I just stepped off the scale and that's what it said before I sat down to write. I probably haven't weighed this little since I was in high school. It certainly wasn't on purpose that I lost 20 lbs, not entirely on purpose.
Last year, I promised Rachel that I'd give her a husband with rock hard abs for Christmas. It gave me a year to deliver on the promise and I started to work. Well, not immediately...since I had no idea how to get there and no proven method to do it. I can't even remember how I learned about T25, the Shaun T workout videos that were now only 25 minutes a day instead of the 90 minutes from P90X.
I work a lot. In your head, think about what working a lot is...and then double it. Rachel and I are educated. I mean really educated. I mean more student loans than you think is possible for someone who didn't go to Law School or Medical School educated. And since we obtained all this glorious education, we've been finding ways to pay for the education. The longer we've been out of school, the more the delayed, deferred, and graduated payments have kicked in. So, I am still doing every business venture I've done up to this point AND I have a full time job in the Bakken building a 2nd parts business for what we hope will be the largest non-branded Dealership for On-Highway Trucks and then later Heavy Equipment. Out of a possible 168 hours in a week, I only sleep 36 of those (instead of the usual 56 a person would sleep to get a "full night's sleep"). So, in a given week I work about 120-125 hours a week. Without T25, my goal simply wouldn't be possible. I just don't have the time to do anything more right now.
My Mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I directed her to my friend who is a BeachBody Coach, Tom Wolfe. We have all known Tom ever since the days when I racked up my 1st real batch of student loans with my Master's of Divinity at the Claremont School of Theology. The Wolfe's own the market (Wolfe's Market) across the street from the school and went to Church with us. We have eaten dinner at their house numerous times, hung out, played racquetball, been in Church callings together, stored my motorcycle/scooter in his boat storage unit over the last 10 years. Honestly, almost as long as I have been married to Rachel we have known the Wolfes. My Mom got with Tom and ordered me up T25, and it was there, under the tree, for Christmas.
The box sat idle for some time. It was Christmas, I was working my 120 hours, we were trying to get the print copy of Rachel's book (Colorworld) out and published. Her second book (Teleworld) still had to be finished and I was doing marketing for her books at night: asking for review requests, choosing where to advertise, contacting family and friends to read and review. We had a TON going on with Rachel's writing career finally making it to light after working for so many years without anyone really even knowing she was a writer.
In January, things kind of blew up at my old work. I had helped a friend build exactly what I said above and we were firing on all cylinders. It was amazing and we had a great thing going. Then, out of the blue, it got weird. I really don't know what happened...probably because I never really asked. I got some end of the year numbers and I sent back all my concerns: hours for this job or that were billed to parts instead of service, making it look worse than it was. All of the labor for our mobile hose unit should have gone to parts instead of service. Jobs my guys did that we got billed wages but didn't get credited for the revenue...blah, blah blah. Before you knew it, I fired myself. Not my favorite day of my life.
I was sick at the time, so I took a few days to sleep in and not work over 80 hours that week. I was nervous...probably a little scared if I'm honest with myself. Once I got over the sickness, I opened the T25 box out and started with the 1st video. I was almost really dumb. I seriously thought that because I thought I was in decent shape, I should probably just skip Alpha and go straight to Beta so that I can get rock hard abs faster. That would have ranked up there in my Top 10 Failures in life had I gone that route, by the way. Lucky, for me, I started on day 1 with video 1.
I haven't done T25 every single day. I have NEVER done the 2 workouts on Friday it calls for. Plenty of weeks I have worked out 6 days a week instead of 5 though. I have no idea if that makes up for it. Out of the 3 months I've done T25, I've only done the stretch video 3 or 4 times.
But, DANG! It didn't even occur to me I'd lose weight. I honestly have only had 1 expectation from the beginning: I will have rock hard abs for my wife for Christmas Day, 2014.
I've talked with Tom on and off regarding how I get there. I am done with Alpha and Beta and I don't have rock hard abs, so I wanted to make sure I was on track with only 8 months left to get my abs, so I got on the phone with Tom. He told me I'm going to HAVE to do the 5 meals a day and then space my water out. I drink water 30 minutes before I eat and wait until an hour after I eat to drink water again. I drink 100-125 oz of water a day to keep things flowing.
I look amazing. The other day Rachel sent me a text message to let me know she thought my hard work was paying off and that I looked great. :-)
Last night, after we did a T25 Beta workout together, we sat down to have our 12th Wedding Anniversary Dinner together and she asked me if I could eat with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I love it. I identified something I couldn't offer Rachel and got determined...hell bent, on fixing it. I'm close, and now it's starting to occur to Rachel that I might just get there.
I sure hope I do. That woman, my wife, is the most amazing woman in the world. And I promised her rock hard abs on her husband for Christmas. And she's going to get them.
Last year, I promised Rachel that I'd give her a husband with rock hard abs for Christmas. It gave me a year to deliver on the promise and I started to work. Well, not immediately...since I had no idea how to get there and no proven method to do it. I can't even remember how I learned about T25, the Shaun T workout videos that were now only 25 minutes a day instead of the 90 minutes from P90X.
I work a lot. In your head, think about what working a lot is...and then double it. Rachel and I are educated. I mean really educated. I mean more student loans than you think is possible for someone who didn't go to Law School or Medical School educated. And since we obtained all this glorious education, we've been finding ways to pay for the education. The longer we've been out of school, the more the delayed, deferred, and graduated payments have kicked in. So, I am still doing every business venture I've done up to this point AND I have a full time job in the Bakken building a 2nd parts business for what we hope will be the largest non-branded Dealership for On-Highway Trucks and then later Heavy Equipment. Out of a possible 168 hours in a week, I only sleep 36 of those (instead of the usual 56 a person would sleep to get a "full night's sleep"). So, in a given week I work about 120-125 hours a week. Without T25, my goal simply wouldn't be possible. I just don't have the time to do anything more right now.
My Mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I directed her to my friend who is a BeachBody Coach, Tom Wolfe. We have all known Tom ever since the days when I racked up my 1st real batch of student loans with my Master's of Divinity at the Claremont School of Theology. The Wolfe's own the market (Wolfe's Market) across the street from the school and went to Church with us. We have eaten dinner at their house numerous times, hung out, played racquetball, been in Church callings together, stored my motorcycle/scooter in his boat storage unit over the last 10 years. Honestly, almost as long as I have been married to Rachel we have known the Wolfes. My Mom got with Tom and ordered me up T25, and it was there, under the tree, for Christmas.
The box sat idle for some time. It was Christmas, I was working my 120 hours, we were trying to get the print copy of Rachel's book (Colorworld) out and published. Her second book (Teleworld) still had to be finished and I was doing marketing for her books at night: asking for review requests, choosing where to advertise, contacting family and friends to read and review. We had a TON going on with Rachel's writing career finally making it to light after working for so many years without anyone really even knowing she was a writer.
In January, things kind of blew up at my old work. I had helped a friend build exactly what I said above and we were firing on all cylinders. It was amazing and we had a great thing going. Then, out of the blue, it got weird. I really don't know what happened...probably because I never really asked. I got some end of the year numbers and I sent back all my concerns: hours for this job or that were billed to parts instead of service, making it look worse than it was. All of the labor for our mobile hose unit should have gone to parts instead of service. Jobs my guys did that we got billed wages but didn't get credited for the revenue...blah, blah blah. Before you knew it, I fired myself. Not my favorite day of my life.
I was sick at the time, so I took a few days to sleep in and not work over 80 hours that week. I was nervous...probably a little scared if I'm honest with myself. Once I got over the sickness, I opened the T25 box out and started with the 1st video. I was almost really dumb. I seriously thought that because I thought I was in decent shape, I should probably just skip Alpha and go straight to Beta so that I can get rock hard abs faster. That would have ranked up there in my Top 10 Failures in life had I gone that route, by the way. Lucky, for me, I started on day 1 with video 1.
I haven't done T25 every single day. I have NEVER done the 2 workouts on Friday it calls for. Plenty of weeks I have worked out 6 days a week instead of 5 though. I have no idea if that makes up for it. Out of the 3 months I've done T25, I've only done the stretch video 3 or 4 times.
But, DANG! It didn't even occur to me I'd lose weight. I honestly have only had 1 expectation from the beginning: I will have rock hard abs for my wife for Christmas Day, 2014.
I've talked with Tom on and off regarding how I get there. I am done with Alpha and Beta and I don't have rock hard abs, so I wanted to make sure I was on track with only 8 months left to get my abs, so I got on the phone with Tom. He told me I'm going to HAVE to do the 5 meals a day and then space my water out. I drink water 30 minutes before I eat and wait until an hour after I eat to drink water again. I drink 100-125 oz of water a day to keep things flowing.
I look amazing. The other day Rachel sent me a text message to let me know she thought my hard work was paying off and that I looked great. :-)
Last night, after we did a T25 Beta workout together, we sat down to have our 12th Wedding Anniversary Dinner together and she asked me if I could eat with my shirt off when I have rock hard abs. I love it. I identified something I couldn't offer Rachel and got determined...hell bent, on fixing it. I'm close, and now it's starting to occur to Rachel that I might just get there.
I sure hope I do. That woman, my wife, is the most amazing woman in the world. And I promised her rock hard abs on her husband for Christmas. And she's going to get them.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Jesus Laid Hands on Many During His Lifetime
In the New Testament we read frequently that Jesus has laid his hands on another in order to heal them:
Mark 5:23
In this scene, a man in charge of the synagogue begs the Savior to come with him and heal his daughter. He asks specifically that He lay hands on her so that He can heal her so she may live.
Luke 4:40
Jesus traveled to Simon's house, to see his sick mother. He rebuked the fever and it left her. But, while He was there, those who were sick came to be healed. He laid his hands on each and everyone one of them, giving them a healing blessing.
Luke: 13:12-13
Here Jesus heals a woman on the Sabbath day who had been afflicted her whole life with a spine condition. Maybe muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy. He lays his hands on her and pronounces a blessing upon her and then has to contend with person who runs the synagogue.
Mark 5:23
In this scene, a man in charge of the synagogue begs the Savior to come with him and heal his daughter. He asks specifically that He lay hands on her so that He can heal her so she may live.
Luke 4:40
Jesus traveled to Simon's house, to see his sick mother. He rebuked the fever and it left her. But, while He was there, those who were sick came to be healed. He laid his hands on each and everyone one of them, giving them a healing blessing.
Luke: 13:12-13
Here Jesus heals a woman on the Sabbath day who had been afflicted her whole life with a spine condition. Maybe muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy. He lays his hands on her and pronounces a blessing upon her and then has to contend with person who runs the synagogue.
Moses Blesses each of the Twelve Tribes of Israel
Priesthood blessings have been important as far back and can be found throughout recorded history. In Deuteronomy 33, Moses blesses each of the 12 Tribes of Israel:
Reuben (vs. 6)
Judah (vs. 7)
Levi (vs. 8)
Jacob/Israel (vs. 10)
Benjamin (vs. 12)
Joseph (vs. 13)
Ephraim/Manasseh (vs. 17)
Zebulun (vs. 18)
Gad (vs. 20)
Dan (vs. 22)
Naphtali (23)
Asher (24)
Pronouncing Death in a Folding Chair
"Please don't let it be another one of those," I say to myself as I pull out the folding chair. At least we have padded ones at home. I remember trying to get to Seminary early so that I could grab the ones with the red cushion. There were only a handful of them compared to the hordes of off-white hard plastic chairs every Church building seems to have an endless supply of. Thank heavens I don't have to make her sit in one of those.
It's a bit ironic that this is all going to take place in a folding chair. In this blessing I am supposed to use the Holy Ghost, to call upon the powers of heaven for the benefit of my wife. I wonder if Moses or Jesus would have used a folding chair. The laying on of hands to pronounce a blessing is big stuff. I know I need to use it more. Boyd K. Packer, one of the 12 apostles, has been clear that the men of the Church are failing to exercise the power of the priesthood, despite counting several million in our worldwide ranks.
The office chair Rachel normally sits in has more padding...kind of. Half of the foam from the seat is gone, right where your butt goes. It gets less and less comfortable every time I sit in it now, so I usually grab the padded black chair anyway. "Why did I offer to give her a blessing when I have no idea what I'm going to say?" I think to myself as I place the chair in the center of the room.
I remember when Bryan laid his hands on me to give me the Melchizedek Priesthood. I remember just a few weeks ago, after I had lost my job, Eli laying his hands on me to give me a blessing.
I remember the time I was asked to give a blessing to a dying man.
The seconds that precede a blessing are nerve-racking in most instances. As my hands moved towards the top of his head, I knew that I was to commend his Spirit to the next world. I fought the words that came into my head, pleading for inspiration on how to convey that Robert would be gone by morning...if not sooner. I talked about those who were waiting for him. HECK! The spirits waiting for him were right there in the room with us as I gave the blessing. I knew there was a chance Robert wouldn't make it. I really should have asked for advice before I headed to the hospital. I was afraid his wife would never talk to me again after I all but pronounced his death sentence. I wished I had been able to say that something amazing was going to happen or that I could tell him to "take up his bed and walk", but the words were not my own.
Here I am, back again, in the same situation. But this time, I am the husband, and this is my wife.
What am I going to say now? "Don't worry, your dead baby is all for the greater good." How about: "No biggie, I know you promised G_d another kid and all, but it's going to have to wait." The weight of the moment quietly bore down on my heart. I didn't even know what to do about the miscarriage myself. Emotionally, spiritually, practically...I had barely spoken to Rachel about it because I didn't know if it was "too soon". Do I hug her? Are we happy or sad? I mean, we didn't really want more kids to begin with. Is it wrong of me that I'm glad Rachel wont be a b*&%$ to me anymore? I know that sounds self-serving; but you didn't live with her for those 3 months. This wasn't like any of the other 4 pregnancies. Maybe that's it. Just maybe this was in the cards...
No, that sounds to trite...too contrived. We don't even believe in predestination. Maybe something was wrong with the baby and her body was efficient enough to terminate the fetus because it knew. She knew that something was wrong. It wasn't like the other pregnancies.
...More silence.
I wait.
I learned many years ago that the key to avoid speaking from yourself and saying something stupid was to wait. Wait until the words come...until the Holy Ghost speaks. I know that it sounds hokey. I know that it sounds far fetched and a it's a pill a little too hard to swallow. I wouldn't believe it either, if I didn't have to do it.
The words come, and it will be all right. The timing was wrong. It's not time for Rachel to have another baby. She has things that need to be finished. Work needs to be completed. The sacrifice was appreciated and there is no less love on account of things not working out. A few more lines of council were given and then...I opened my eyes and removed my hands.
...I stood back...waiting...watching her eyes. Did it work? Did she get her questions answered? Am I sleeping on the couch? Does she hate me that the baby really is gone and that she'll have to go through another pregnancy later? I wait and watch for a sign that all is well.
She looks into my eyes and tells me that it was nice to get her questions answered. She heard everything she needed. She thanks me and we go back to work.
That's what we do here at the Kelly house at night. We work. For months the work had come to a screeching halt. Instead of the sound of punched keys being heard long into the night, there was silence. Many books were read and movies watched...but the work...the work was missing. It had stopped. Everything had stopped. There was only anger, bitterness, and resentment. And now they are gone. Just like that. It is nice to finally have some answers, to frame some sort of perspective around the last 3 hard months of our life.
We don't spend too much more time thinking or talking about it. I pick up the folding chair, move it back behind my desk, put the music on, and sit down to work.
It's a bit ironic that this is all going to take place in a folding chair. In this blessing I am supposed to use the Holy Ghost, to call upon the powers of heaven for the benefit of my wife. I wonder if Moses or Jesus would have used a folding chair. The laying on of hands to pronounce a blessing is big stuff. I know I need to use it more. Boyd K. Packer, one of the 12 apostles, has been clear that the men of the Church are failing to exercise the power of the priesthood, despite counting several million in our worldwide ranks.
The office chair Rachel normally sits in has more padding...kind of. Half of the foam from the seat is gone, right where your butt goes. It gets less and less comfortable every time I sit in it now, so I usually grab the padded black chair anyway. "Why did I offer to give her a blessing when I have no idea what I'm going to say?" I think to myself as I place the chair in the center of the room.
I remember when Bryan laid his hands on me to give me the Melchizedek Priesthood. I remember just a few weeks ago, after I had lost my job, Eli laying his hands on me to give me a blessing.
I remember the time I was asked to give a blessing to a dying man.
The seconds that precede a blessing are nerve-racking in most instances. As my hands moved towards the top of his head, I knew that I was to commend his Spirit to the next world. I fought the words that came into my head, pleading for inspiration on how to convey that Robert would be gone by morning...if not sooner. I talked about those who were waiting for him. HECK! The spirits waiting for him were right there in the room with us as I gave the blessing. I knew there was a chance Robert wouldn't make it. I really should have asked for advice before I headed to the hospital. I was afraid his wife would never talk to me again after I all but pronounced his death sentence. I wished I had been able to say that something amazing was going to happen or that I could tell him to "take up his bed and walk", but the words were not my own.
Here I am, back again, in the same situation. But this time, I am the husband, and this is my wife.
What am I going to say now? "Don't worry, your dead baby is all for the greater good." How about: "No biggie, I know you promised G_d another kid and all, but it's going to have to wait." The weight of the moment quietly bore down on my heart. I didn't even know what to do about the miscarriage myself. Emotionally, spiritually, practically...I had barely spoken to Rachel about it because I didn't know if it was "too soon". Do I hug her? Are we happy or sad? I mean, we didn't really want more kids to begin with. Is it wrong of me that I'm glad Rachel wont be a b*&%$ to me anymore? I know that sounds self-serving; but you didn't live with her for those 3 months. This wasn't like any of the other 4 pregnancies. Maybe that's it. Just maybe this was in the cards...
No, that sounds to trite...too contrived. We don't even believe in predestination. Maybe something was wrong with the baby and her body was efficient enough to terminate the fetus because it knew. She knew that something was wrong. It wasn't like the other pregnancies.
...More silence.
I wait.
I learned many years ago that the key to avoid speaking from yourself and saying something stupid was to wait. Wait until the words come...until the Holy Ghost speaks. I know that it sounds hokey. I know that it sounds far fetched and a it's a pill a little too hard to swallow. I wouldn't believe it either, if I didn't have to do it.
The words come, and it will be all right. The timing was wrong. It's not time for Rachel to have another baby. She has things that need to be finished. Work needs to be completed. The sacrifice was appreciated and there is no less love on account of things not working out. A few more lines of council were given and then...I opened my eyes and removed my hands.
...I stood back...waiting...watching her eyes. Did it work? Did she get her questions answered? Am I sleeping on the couch? Does she hate me that the baby really is gone and that she'll have to go through another pregnancy later? I wait and watch for a sign that all is well.
She looks into my eyes and tells me that it was nice to get her questions answered. She heard everything she needed. She thanks me and we go back to work.
That's what we do here at the Kelly house at night. We work. For months the work had come to a screeching halt. Instead of the sound of punched keys being heard long into the night, there was silence. Many books were read and movies watched...but the work...the work was missing. It had stopped. Everything had stopped. There was only anger, bitterness, and resentment. And now they are gone. Just like that. It is nice to finally have some answers, to frame some sort of perspective around the last 3 hard months of our life.
We don't spend too much more time thinking or talking about it. I pick up the folding chair, move it back behind my desk, put the music on, and sit down to work.
I go to a Church in which it is "commonly understood" that we are to have families and make children.
It's not easy to do for everyone. There are all sorts of people who have a tough time in that culture if they don't have children. Some are single and others aren't able to have children. But the rarest of them all, is someone, a couple even, that doesn't want to have children.
You can almost say that we are that couple. We have never really been thrilled about having kids See "Baby Backstory" for more details. The goal was to have 4 kids, get them on a Mission and then home to be married. Then, Rachel made "The Deal"...
We had been barely making it financially for years. We own our own company and have been self employed for close to a decade. But the money it generates has never really been enough to live on. Some of the years were harder than others. When the stock market crashed in 2011 for the 2nd time in 10 years, it was time to do something other than what we were doing.
I saw an Episode of Mad Money from Williston, ND. Jim Cramer had 3 different CEOs on that all had the same message:
"If you will move to the Bakken, learn a new skill, and work out here; we will pay you $100,000 or more in a couple of years."
I don't know about you, but that statement resonated pretty darn well with me at the time. I was determined to do what I needed to in order to pull us out of this rut we had been in for years (thanks to one disaster after another on top of our student loans finally coming due). I can't remember now if "The Deal" was made with me knowing about it...or if I was told after the fact (I honestly can't remember how long after the fact it was if that was the case).
The deal is: If we are not broke all the time, Rachel would have more kids.
Wow...dang...not my favorite deal. I don't like the deal for many reasons:
1) I thought we were done having kids.
2) I can't stand the thought of an "odd" number of kids. We've had them in pairs, by design, and I love that each pair counts the other brother/sister as their closest friend in the world. What if Rachel is only willing to have 1 more?
3) How do I "hold Rachel to this deal"? I am a man, and therefor my "contribution to the process" of child bearing is minimal (and that's putting it politely). How do I "insist" she keep that deal (on account of who it was made with) without being a demanding husband who has to bear none of the consequences of keeping the deal for about a year.
4) I can't stand babies (again, see "Baby Backstory" for more details).
Well, after Keshet finally stopped breastfeeding, I wondered what my role was now.
Would we jump right into fulfilling our side of the deal?
Is it my "job" to remind Rachel of the deal she made?
How long is "acceptable" to wait once the deal CAN be fulfilled?
Normally, our kids have been 2 years apart. As the months ticked by I wondered if we were playing with fire. There are stories in the Hebrew Bible about folks who made deals with G_d and it didn't end well if you made a bad deal or broke your side of the deal. I wanted to avoid that fate myself.
So, after a few months past 2 went by, Rachel and I came up with a game plan to get her 1st Book out and then with Book 2 & 3 edited, we could start the process and Book 2 and maybe even 3 could be completed 100% before the child was born. Then she could take a break between Book 3 and 4 to get through the hardest part of having a new baby.
Like all of the previous "creation experiences", we were successful quite quickly and the pregnancy started.
Something wasn't right though.
In every single other birth I have prayed for two things:
1) The health of the baby to be well, free of disease and disorder.
2) The gender of the baby would be as I had planned my whole life.
I never really did either. And I was aware of it. On occasion I would feel terribly guilty when I remembered that I hadn't been praying for these things for weeks! We have 3 friends who are dealing with cancer and tumors right now. Two have children that have cancer/tumor and one is my brother's wife (cancer). My prayers have been dominated by those 3 people for months and months.
We fulfilled our end of the bargain and Rachel got pregnant. But something was wrong, very wrong. Rachel got distant and our relationship, which had been the best it had ever been at any point in the past 12 years quickly deteriorated.
Rachel hated me. I don't know if she really hated me, but she sure has never been a bigger B&*$% than she was during the pregnancy. She insisted that she had always been that way, but since she didn't have morning sickness, she must be able to focus on all the rage inside of her from being pregnant that she's able to point it directly at me.
It was hard, and I mean really hard. I felt the anger and the hate. All I wanted to do was to get the dumb pregnancy over. My concern about having an odd number of children was tossed out the door in favor of just trying to find a reason to stay married. At one point, after two weeks of absolutely no intimacy, and I mean of ANY kind: physical, emotional, spiritual...you name it...all gone; I started thinking about having an affair.
It seems like a bit much, don't you think? A pregnancy only lasts 9 months, so why jeopardize the past 12 years and millions more in the future over one 9 month period? Something was wrong, very wrong. My home teacher was out of town and I didn't want to let the thoughts that had been going through my mind come out my mouth because they sounded ridiculous. Why on earth would you cheat on your pregnant wife?
I say that I didn't really want to cheat on her, but if I'm honest with myself about the worst day in those 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I really wanted to. I wanted someone to love me and to treat me like I mattered, at nearly all costs.
So, I snapped, in a good way. I remembered back to the chapter in the 5 Love Languages at the very end, the one that talks about divorce. The advice the author gives the woman who tells him it's over and done is that if she wants any hope of saying the marriage, she has to speak her husband's love language without ever having any hope of being loved in return.
It's a tough road to hoe. Loving someone they way they want without being able to expect to hear your love language spoken back is a tough gig. What I decided to do was to clean up the kitchen every single night before I went to bed. When Rachel is pregnant, a lot of sleeping is involved. All sorts of things get thrown on the back burner in the interest of just making it through the next few months until the baby is born.
I would get off work 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 1am...didn't matter. No matter how tired I was or what was said (or unsaid) that day, I would clean the kitchen so that when Rachel came downstairs to get the kids ready for school, she wasn't already behind from yesterday's disaster. I also took over the cooking duties on Sunday. I made sure the kids had breakfast, lunch, & dinner (including snacks to Church) so that Rachel could relax.
After a few weeks, maybe 3, Rachel started smiling again. She expressed appreciation for my efforts and it felt like Rachel and I might just be OK. Finally, after magical Sunday night together (that's our 1 night a week that we don't work and we can be together and be intimate without worrying about deadlines, or the clock, or the needs of some child).
The next day she had a miscarriage.
She didn't say anything at first, but then the bleeding continued. I work 10-15 hours every day and often leave before everyone wakes up and come back when all the kids are asleep and Rachel is thinking about it pretty hard. So, it's easy to miss all sorts of things.
The next day she called me at work.
Rachel probably calls me 2 times a month...if that. So, when her ring tone went off, I instantly felt something was wrong. She explained the situation and told me she had an appointment for 2 days from then (in Williston, getting in to see a doctor isn't as easy as it is in other cities, even when it's serious). I felt terrible. Questions rushed through my mind:
Am I happy or sad?
Did I do this? (With Novan, Rachel and I found out we needed to be more careful towards the end of the pregnancy or WE will cause an early delivery).
Do we try again?
Will we get "penalized" in the deal Rachel made because it didn't work?
Do we try again?
How long can we have before we must/need to try again?
Why wasn't I praying for the baby every day like I usually do?
It's a hard thing to go through, not necessarily because we "lost the baby", but because all the questions I thought were answered were not only unanswered again, but even more complicated. I remembered thinking the week or two before...in my dark hour...that I wouldn't mind if the pregnancy fell apart on its own. I mean, if I didn't "do" anything to cause it, would it be my fault that I thought about it...maybe even wanted it?
I was pretty convinced that why my role in creating the baby was quite limited...my role in the miscarriage may have been much greater. How much can we "cause" by our thoughts? Is there really such a thing as a "prayer in your heart"? If so, I was pretty sure mine was heard without me ever uttering a word.
Obligation, duty, and sacrifice are 3 important principles of living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What I wanted to know at the end of all of this is what is my duty, how far does my obligation reach, and what exactly should I sacrifice to complete my obligation and duty?
I believe fully that we should ask "why". I do not believe we should ask "why me". We are told that we will never be given anything beyond what we can bear. So, the answer to "why me" is always the same: because you can handle it and I need to see you do it. It's part of the "test" of our mortal probation here on Earth. So asking it doesn't get us any closer to asking "why" is this happening.
In every disaster, there really is a silver lining. It, the disaster, is how we grow as human beings. It's how we progress and become like Jesus. It's how we become great, full of love, obedient, and happy. I was lost on the "why" until I got up the guts to ask Rachel if she needed/wanted a blessing.
That's a tough thing, giving a blessing. How do you "tell" a person you are "worthy" by offering one. It's almost like broadcasting that you think you are "holy". I don't mind being asked to give one at the drop of a hat, or in the middle of the night, but volunteering one is scary. I have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. It's scary because what if I reveal something terrible, like we can't have kids anymore. Then what happens to "the deal"? Do we "get in trouble"? What if I say that it's Rachel's disdain for the process that caused the baby to abort? I would want to smack myself if those words came out of my mouth.
The trick with a blessing is that it's not you speaking. And when something comes out that sounds like what you really wanted to hear, how do you know that wasn't you just "manifesting" something you really want, rather than inspiration? In a way, giving a blessing is a terrifying thing. You simply just never know. The only way to be prepared to give one is to live in a way that you are prepared to give you. It's also important to ask if one is needed as much as it is important to be "ready" to give one when the call comes.
Needless to say, the blessing went well and Rachel started receiving answers immediately. Just today she was able to complete all the pieces of the puzzle and knows EXACTLY when we will try again to have children. It sure was scary to make the offer, but the revelation that has come to us as a result has been nothing short of miraculous.
So, husbands, here is what I gleaned from my adventure that I hope to be of help to you one day:
1) When you start to really dislike you wife, or feel unloved; find a way to serve her every day.
2) Ask the question. You will never be able to dispel the terrible thoughts you have cooked up in your head until you ask the question of her and get the answer. Believe me, the truth is rarely as terrible as you imagine.
3) When you are being treated like dirt, there is a good possibility it's because she feels like dirt, and not because you are.
4) Regular and lengthy massages go a long way to easing tension, and not just the kind in her muscles on her body. It can also ease your relationship tension.
5) It is nearly impossible to hate someone you are intimate with. Find ways to touch her (hand, gentle kiss, brush her hair) that help to take down her guard. When the opportunity presents (as long as it can be done without risk to mom/child) find time, even if you schedule it, to be intimate with each other. The vulnerability that comes from these moments can often open the door for conversation that is equally as vulnerable.
6) It's not always about you. Sometimes she's in a bad mood because she is struggling with things. Do what you can to take things off her plate that you can do (dishes, dinner, laundry, etc.) and she can focus on what she needs to feel better.
Rachel was really honest about her feelings during the pregnancy. Depression is a very real struggle. I know my own mother didn't have more than 2 kids because she struggled with depression so deeply with my brother & I that my parents decided against any more kids to protect my Mom. This is a very real thing and we can do a lot as husbands to be open and aware to how our wives are hurting.
Sometimes you can't put a finger on what's wrong. Find ways to serve and moments will be provided where you can talk and learn more. I'm grateful to Rachel for sharing her side of it. Talking has always been the thing with us that has made everything "all better". See if it works for you.
It's not easy to do for everyone. There are all sorts of people who have a tough time in that culture if they don't have children. Some are single and others aren't able to have children. But the rarest of them all, is someone, a couple even, that doesn't want to have children.
You can almost say that we are that couple. We have never really been thrilled about having kids See "Baby Backstory" for more details. The goal was to have 4 kids, get them on a Mission and then home to be married. Then, Rachel made "The Deal"...
We had been barely making it financially for years. We own our own company and have been self employed for close to a decade. But the money it generates has never really been enough to live on. Some of the years were harder than others. When the stock market crashed in 2011 for the 2nd time in 10 years, it was time to do something other than what we were doing.
I saw an Episode of Mad Money from Williston, ND. Jim Cramer had 3 different CEOs on that all had the same message:
"If you will move to the Bakken, learn a new skill, and work out here; we will pay you $100,000 or more in a couple of years."
I don't know about you, but that statement resonated pretty darn well with me at the time. I was determined to do what I needed to in order to pull us out of this rut we had been in for years (thanks to one disaster after another on top of our student loans finally coming due). I can't remember now if "The Deal" was made with me knowing about it...or if I was told after the fact (I honestly can't remember how long after the fact it was if that was the case).
The deal is: If we are not broke all the time, Rachel would have more kids.
Wow...dang...not my favorite deal. I don't like the deal for many reasons:
1) I thought we were done having kids.
2) I can't stand the thought of an "odd" number of kids. We've had them in pairs, by design, and I love that each pair counts the other brother/sister as their closest friend in the world. What if Rachel is only willing to have 1 more?
3) How do I "hold Rachel to this deal"? I am a man, and therefor my "contribution to the process" of child bearing is minimal (and that's putting it politely). How do I "insist" she keep that deal (on account of who it was made with) without being a demanding husband who has to bear none of the consequences of keeping the deal for about a year.
4) I can't stand babies (again, see "Baby Backstory" for more details).
Well, after Keshet finally stopped breastfeeding, I wondered what my role was now.
Would we jump right into fulfilling our side of the deal?
Is it my "job" to remind Rachel of the deal she made?
How long is "acceptable" to wait once the deal CAN be fulfilled?
Normally, our kids have been 2 years apart. As the months ticked by I wondered if we were playing with fire. There are stories in the Hebrew Bible about folks who made deals with G_d and it didn't end well if you made a bad deal or broke your side of the deal. I wanted to avoid that fate myself.
So, after a few months past 2 went by, Rachel and I came up with a game plan to get her 1st Book out and then with Book 2 & 3 edited, we could start the process and Book 2 and maybe even 3 could be completed 100% before the child was born. Then she could take a break between Book 3 and 4 to get through the hardest part of having a new baby.
Like all of the previous "creation experiences", we were successful quite quickly and the pregnancy started.
Something wasn't right though.
In every single other birth I have prayed for two things:
1) The health of the baby to be well, free of disease and disorder.
2) The gender of the baby would be as I had planned my whole life.
I never really did either. And I was aware of it. On occasion I would feel terribly guilty when I remembered that I hadn't been praying for these things for weeks! We have 3 friends who are dealing with cancer and tumors right now. Two have children that have cancer/tumor and one is my brother's wife (cancer). My prayers have been dominated by those 3 people for months and months.
We fulfilled our end of the bargain and Rachel got pregnant. But something was wrong, very wrong. Rachel got distant and our relationship, which had been the best it had ever been at any point in the past 12 years quickly deteriorated.
Rachel hated me. I don't know if she really hated me, but she sure has never been a bigger B&*$% than she was during the pregnancy. She insisted that she had always been that way, but since she didn't have morning sickness, she must be able to focus on all the rage inside of her from being pregnant that she's able to point it directly at me.
It was hard, and I mean really hard. I felt the anger and the hate. All I wanted to do was to get the dumb pregnancy over. My concern about having an odd number of children was tossed out the door in favor of just trying to find a reason to stay married. At one point, after two weeks of absolutely no intimacy, and I mean of ANY kind: physical, emotional, spiritual...you name it...all gone; I started thinking about having an affair.
It seems like a bit much, don't you think? A pregnancy only lasts 9 months, so why jeopardize the past 12 years and millions more in the future over one 9 month period? Something was wrong, very wrong. My home teacher was out of town and I didn't want to let the thoughts that had been going through my mind come out my mouth because they sounded ridiculous. Why on earth would you cheat on your pregnant wife?
I say that I didn't really want to cheat on her, but if I'm honest with myself about the worst day in those 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I really wanted to. I wanted someone to love me and to treat me like I mattered, at nearly all costs.
So, I snapped, in a good way. I remembered back to the chapter in the 5 Love Languages at the very end, the one that talks about divorce. The advice the author gives the woman who tells him it's over and done is that if she wants any hope of saying the marriage, she has to speak her husband's love language without ever having any hope of being loved in return.
It's a tough road to hoe. Loving someone they way they want without being able to expect to hear your love language spoken back is a tough gig. What I decided to do was to clean up the kitchen every single night before I went to bed. When Rachel is pregnant, a lot of sleeping is involved. All sorts of things get thrown on the back burner in the interest of just making it through the next few months until the baby is born.
I would get off work 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 1am...didn't matter. No matter how tired I was or what was said (or unsaid) that day, I would clean the kitchen so that when Rachel came downstairs to get the kids ready for school, she wasn't already behind from yesterday's disaster. I also took over the cooking duties on Sunday. I made sure the kids had breakfast, lunch, & dinner (including snacks to Church) so that Rachel could relax.
After a few weeks, maybe 3, Rachel started smiling again. She expressed appreciation for my efforts and it felt like Rachel and I might just be OK. Finally, after magical Sunday night together (that's our 1 night a week that we don't work and we can be together and be intimate without worrying about deadlines, or the clock, or the needs of some child).
The next day she had a miscarriage.
She didn't say anything at first, but then the bleeding continued. I work 10-15 hours every day and often leave before everyone wakes up and come back when all the kids are asleep and Rachel is thinking about it pretty hard. So, it's easy to miss all sorts of things.
The next day she called me at work.
Rachel probably calls me 2 times a month...if that. So, when her ring tone went off, I instantly felt something was wrong. She explained the situation and told me she had an appointment for 2 days from then (in Williston, getting in to see a doctor isn't as easy as it is in other cities, even when it's serious). I felt terrible. Questions rushed through my mind:
Am I happy or sad?
Did I do this? (With Novan, Rachel and I found out we needed to be more careful towards the end of the pregnancy or WE will cause an early delivery).
Do we try again?
Will we get "penalized" in the deal Rachel made because it didn't work?
Do we try again?
How long can we have before we must/need to try again?
Why wasn't I praying for the baby every day like I usually do?
It's a hard thing to go through, not necessarily because we "lost the baby", but because all the questions I thought were answered were not only unanswered again, but even more complicated. I remembered thinking the week or two before...in my dark hour...that I wouldn't mind if the pregnancy fell apart on its own. I mean, if I didn't "do" anything to cause it, would it be my fault that I thought about it...maybe even wanted it?
I was pretty convinced that why my role in creating the baby was quite limited...my role in the miscarriage may have been much greater. How much can we "cause" by our thoughts? Is there really such a thing as a "prayer in your heart"? If so, I was pretty sure mine was heard without me ever uttering a word.
Obligation, duty, and sacrifice are 3 important principles of living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What I wanted to know at the end of all of this is what is my duty, how far does my obligation reach, and what exactly should I sacrifice to complete my obligation and duty?
I believe fully that we should ask "why". I do not believe we should ask "why me". We are told that we will never be given anything beyond what we can bear. So, the answer to "why me" is always the same: because you can handle it and I need to see you do it. It's part of the "test" of our mortal probation here on Earth. So asking it doesn't get us any closer to asking "why" is this happening.
In every disaster, there really is a silver lining. It, the disaster, is how we grow as human beings. It's how we progress and become like Jesus. It's how we become great, full of love, obedient, and happy. I was lost on the "why" until I got up the guts to ask Rachel if she needed/wanted a blessing.
That's a tough thing, giving a blessing. How do you "tell" a person you are "worthy" by offering one. It's almost like broadcasting that you think you are "holy". I don't mind being asked to give one at the drop of a hat, or in the middle of the night, but volunteering one is scary. I have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth. It's scary because what if I reveal something terrible, like we can't have kids anymore. Then what happens to "the deal"? Do we "get in trouble"? What if I say that it's Rachel's disdain for the process that caused the baby to abort? I would want to smack myself if those words came out of my mouth.
The trick with a blessing is that it's not you speaking. And when something comes out that sounds like what you really wanted to hear, how do you know that wasn't you just "manifesting" something you really want, rather than inspiration? In a way, giving a blessing is a terrifying thing. You simply just never know. The only way to be prepared to give one is to live in a way that you are prepared to give you. It's also important to ask if one is needed as much as it is important to be "ready" to give one when the call comes.
Needless to say, the blessing went well and Rachel started receiving answers immediately. Just today she was able to complete all the pieces of the puzzle and knows EXACTLY when we will try again to have children. It sure was scary to make the offer, but the revelation that has come to us as a result has been nothing short of miraculous.
So, husbands, here is what I gleaned from my adventure that I hope to be of help to you one day:
1) When you start to really dislike you wife, or feel unloved; find a way to serve her every day.
2) Ask the question. You will never be able to dispel the terrible thoughts you have cooked up in your head until you ask the question of her and get the answer. Believe me, the truth is rarely as terrible as you imagine.
3) When you are being treated like dirt, there is a good possibility it's because she feels like dirt, and not because you are.
4) Regular and lengthy massages go a long way to easing tension, and not just the kind in her muscles on her body. It can also ease your relationship tension.
5) It is nearly impossible to hate someone you are intimate with. Find ways to touch her (hand, gentle kiss, brush her hair) that help to take down her guard. When the opportunity presents (as long as it can be done without risk to mom/child) find time, even if you schedule it, to be intimate with each other. The vulnerability that comes from these moments can often open the door for conversation that is equally as vulnerable.
6) It's not always about you. Sometimes she's in a bad mood because she is struggling with things. Do what you can to take things off her plate that you can do (dishes, dinner, laundry, etc.) and she can focus on what she needs to feel better.
Rachel was really honest about her feelings during the pregnancy. Depression is a very real struggle. I know my own mother didn't have more than 2 kids because she struggled with depression so deeply with my brother & I that my parents decided against any more kids to protect my Mom. This is a very real thing and we can do a lot as husbands to be open and aware to how our wives are hurting.
Sometimes you can't put a finger on what's wrong. Find ways to serve and moments will be provided where you can talk and learn more. I'm grateful to Rachel for sharing her side of it. Talking has always been the thing with us that has made everything "all better". See if it works for you.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Baby Backstory
Babies. I don't like them. I really don't like them. In our family (that being my wife and my 4 kids), we believe in breast feeding. It is what breasts are for (at least until age 40 or so). The sexualization or over-sexualization of the female breast is a whole other blog post. In fact, you should probably check out Britta Foster on that topic if you want to learn more (Britta's Blog). Bottom line on babies, since I can't do the breast feeding...I'm not a whole lot of help for the first 6-9 months.
I'll be even more honest, until the baby is mobile I don't really want anything to do with the baby. My wife can calm any crying baby by nursing it. I've seen it happen with 4 children. I SERIOUSLY lack that tool in the tool bag. I've found that until I can talk with and interact with my children, I have a hard time forming a real and lasting attachment. I am honestly worried I will do something stupid like drop the baby, drop something on the baby, or something I can't even imagine to hurt, injure, or kill the baby. In fact, when a baby is born, the LAST thing I want to do is hold the baby! Are you kidding, my wife just went through 9 months of misery and the 1st thing you want me to do is take a shot at ruining it?!?
I love teenagers. I can talk with, hang out with, and teach them all day long (and every day of the week); but babies worry me to no end. I pray that no one ever asks me if their baby is cute. Oh, please, if you are reading this, NEVER ask me about that! It bugs me that all a crawling baby wants to do is wiggle out of your arms, crawl for a minute, and then wine & cry until you pick them up. They then repeat that over and over for hours. I know guys at Church who will take babies they see to class and hold them. I am NOT that guy.
When we had our 1st child, it was after 3 years of being married without having any kids. We decided that life had been a little too easy, like being on cruise control. So, you take some obligation, a little bit of guilt for being D.I.N.K.s, and living in a "baby making culture" and we started having kids.
We have come a long way from those days. We have 4 kids and they are all awesome in their own way. Some are like me and some are like Rachel. Most of them are a mix-and-match with characteristics that are derived from both parents. We love and adore our kids.
I still never ask to hold anyone's baby, but I will volunteer to watch kids when the need arises because I've successfully kept 4 of them alive for over 8 years now (well, I've kept at least 1 alive for 8 years and now I can hang out with all 4 no problems). We have come a long way in how we teach and raise our children. I love when I am able to spend time with them.
BUT, the focus has always been to have 4 kids as quickly as we could (once we started) and then get them all on a Mission for our Church and then off to college where they can get married and move out.
That was the plan, until Rachel made a deal with the Folks Upstairs.
I'll be even more honest, until the baby is mobile I don't really want anything to do with the baby. My wife can calm any crying baby by nursing it. I've seen it happen with 4 children. I SERIOUSLY lack that tool in the tool bag. I've found that until I can talk with and interact with my children, I have a hard time forming a real and lasting attachment. I am honestly worried I will do something stupid like drop the baby, drop something on the baby, or something I can't even imagine to hurt, injure, or kill the baby. In fact, when a baby is born, the LAST thing I want to do is hold the baby! Are you kidding, my wife just went through 9 months of misery and the 1st thing you want me to do is take a shot at ruining it?!?
I love teenagers. I can talk with, hang out with, and teach them all day long (and every day of the week); but babies worry me to no end. I pray that no one ever asks me if their baby is cute. Oh, please, if you are reading this, NEVER ask me about that! It bugs me that all a crawling baby wants to do is wiggle out of your arms, crawl for a minute, and then wine & cry until you pick them up. They then repeat that over and over for hours. I know guys at Church who will take babies they see to class and hold them. I am NOT that guy.
When we had our 1st child, it was after 3 years of being married without having any kids. We decided that life had been a little too easy, like being on cruise control. So, you take some obligation, a little bit of guilt for being D.I.N.K.s, and living in a "baby making culture" and we started having kids.
We have come a long way from those days. We have 4 kids and they are all awesome in their own way. Some are like me and some are like Rachel. Most of them are a mix-and-match with characteristics that are derived from both parents. We love and adore our kids.
I still never ask to hold anyone's baby, but I will volunteer to watch kids when the need arises because I've successfully kept 4 of them alive for over 8 years now (well, I've kept at least 1 alive for 8 years and now I can hang out with all 4 no problems). We have come a long way in how we teach and raise our children. I love when I am able to spend time with them.
BUT, the focus has always been to have 4 kids as quickly as we could (once we started) and then get them all on a Mission for our Church and then off to college where they can get married and move out.
That was the plan, until Rachel made a deal with the Folks Upstairs.
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